My life feels unbearable

[SausageSimon]

There isn't an area of my life that brings me joy, it feels like every thing is a problem beyond my help and I don't think I can cope for much longer

I'm skint, and in a few thousand pounds of debt I'm struggling to shift. I left university two years ago (I'm 26 now) and basically realised my life wasn't going to turn out to be anything decent at all. My life was the exact same back then in the same rented house with DS, but the difference was back then I had hope for the future and now I have none at all

I took out a start up business loan to buy my own business with the intention of being able to earn and also be there for DS. It was well planned out and thought through, it was something I'd been planning for years. The job is great but I'm at risk at getting into further debt there as I'm not earning much which is terrifying

I can't remember the last time I felt truly close to anybody, friendships have faded out and my relationships have been crap. Always really lovely men, but they don't want me essentially. So it's just me by myself in life, I could cope without one of those but to have nobody is devastating. I can't see me ever having a close friend or a man who wants to spend more than ten minutes in my company, yet everyone I know is buying houses, having kids and getting engaged

I have a wonderful 6yo DS but I don't even get to enjoy him truly which absolutely kills me because I'm so desperately unhappy in every other area of my life. I'm also gutted he will probably be an only child especially when all I want is a family and he's missing out on so much growing up with just me at home. It's not like I even have close friends to spend time with us and he notices how upset and moody I am which breaks my heart

I have no security in my life emotionally or financially and I'm just at the point now where I wish it would all end. I don't see any way out of any of this, I have nothing and I can't find a way to change.

I've always been a very logical and proactive person when it's comes to problems in life. I'd always sit down after the emotions had passed and figure out a plan to resolve it but how can you resolve being unloved and a failure

Do you get financial support or shared time with DSs dad?

Sorry it sounds like you're having a shit time

I feel like I am surrounded by people going "things will get better it won't always be like this" but my life literally hasn't improved in 6 years. That's such a long time for no improvement despite trying, I feel worn down and my life literally feels like suffering every day

People say of course I'll meet someone's d things will work out eventually but life isn't a fairy tale where everyone gets a lovely partner and what they want out of life and so far things have been pretty shit so how could you just assume things will get better

I cry most nights wishing I wouldn't wake up the next day, which breaks my heart for my beautiful son that I honestly adore but what is the point of being here just to suffer and bring everyone else down with me

Also you finished uni with a kid which is a great achievement tbf

@NewNameGuy he sees his dad sometimes and he has helped more lately because I've told him how much I am struggling. But he comes and goes as he pleases really based on what shifts he's working and what's happening with his band so he's no real support

I have lovely parents but I feel like such a burden on them

Have you talked to your GP?

I think you may have depression.

From what you've written, you sound like anything but a failure. You also sound like you have very high expectations of yourself. You need to give yourself a break. Do you think you might have depression? It can suck the colour out of everything and make things look bleak. Have you spoken to your GP?

OP, you say your life hasn't improved in 6 years - but your DS is 6 years old. The early years of child rearing are pretty stagnant for so many people. It sounds as though you managed ot get a degree during that time too.

At some stage you will look back on this tough period in your life and admire your own tenacity for raising a child, studying for a degree and attempting to start a business. You may not have succeeded immediately in all of these yet but you show enormous tenacity and grit to have attempted.

Please try to enjoy just being with your DS. Enjoy being a parent without judging yourself or expecting yourself to be better/more successful. At that age, children are so gorgeously unjudgemental. You can have great fun with your DS doing stuff for free. Just going for a bus ride to see the Christmas light, telling each other silly stories at bath time, watching CBeebies together, making pancakes etc. Whenever you do small stuff like this and see your DS smile or his eyes light up or hear enthusiasm in his voice or hear him laugh, give yourself an enormous pat on the back. Imo there is no greater achievement or success than this. And it costs little.

What is your start up business? I do some work in marketing and would be happy to offer you some help if you want to PM me some details.

@somebrightmorning I've struggled with my mental health on and off since 18 but this feels different. I don't feel unwell this time just desperately unhappy with how my life is, where before I've been able to recognise I wasn't well. Maybe I'm just wrong this time I don't know

I started counselling this morning and felt positive just after but tonight I feel panicky and terrified of the future

Hey, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Depression and the black hole that comes with it really is absolute shit and it's so hard to get out of it as a lot of things feel very hopeless.
I would first really really encourage you to see a doctor about depression. Medication and therapy will really help you to not feel this way all the time.
Secondly your parents definitely won't see you as a burden, they love you unconditionally and would probably want to help you in whatever way they can.
Try not to focus on the bigger picture as it can be very overwhelming. Take each day as it comes, enjoy small moments with your son, plan a small, manageable activity to spend time happy times together, like finger painting or baking some cakes.
Please don't give up, your son loves you and needs you more than anything, you just need to get the right help and you'll start seeing the changes.

💐 So sorry you are having such a difficult time. Life can be so hard. When I have had awful times and just haven’t been able to see a way forward I basically fall asleep praying, I am embarrassed in a way to write it down because I’m not outwardly religious, but I ask relatives who have passed to help and also kind of literally feel myself ‘handing it over to the universe’ type thing. And I have often felt that things get better in unexpected ways from then on. sorry I hope you get some more practical advice from others but I just really relate to your description of just feeling all out of ideas and hope.

Op you sound depressed -takes one to know one - please speak to your gp - you would be amazed the difference a little med can make. Any history of depression in family?

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

I've just seen your mention of having lovely parents. This is a really positive thing - having a parent who loved you means that you have a decent shot of maintaining a healthy relationship and friendships when you get the chance of meeting some people you click with.

You sound like things have been tough and lonely for a good long while, and you're exhausted. When things are like that, it's hard to not feel like they will stay that way forever. That's not true though, that's depressive thinking arising from years of struggle. Long term struggle dents your confidence, it makes you think you won't ever be able to figure stuff out.

Antidepressants might help to give you some headspace - some downtime away from the constant oppressive feeling of failure, so that you could maybe open up some other ways of thinking about your life and situation. Of course they aren't for everyone, but could be worth considering. Similar with counselling.

Have an unMNetty hug

Thank you all for taking the time to respond it honestly means so much to me. I have cried through all of them because I know I really do want my life and I want to enjoy it and especially enjoy my son. I don't want him to grow up with a mum that snaps at him and shouts, or that he finds crying in the kitchen.

I always felt proud of myself for trying so hard at uni whilst juggling having a 1yo when I started etc but I just can't see how I'm ever going to change how things have turned out.

I don't want much from life just a family and to earn a living. But as it stands I'm an unwanted scrounger

I feel like I was raised to believe if you are a good, honest and kind person that works hard you'll be ok. But that's all I've ever been but I have nothing to feel good about as it stands.

And through uni I honestly believed I'd meet someone and get a good job where maybe I'd even meet a few likeminded friends and buy a little house. But now I feel all I believe is my life will be exactly the same as it has been for the past 6 years in another 6 years

@Sorrybutyourewrong it's funny I was thinking about something similar the other day to what you said. Where I don't pray to relatives I end up deciding that life is testing me so badly that I am 100% convinced that I will be rewarded greatly very soon. Not religious in the slightest and I don't believe in karma or fate etc so I don't know where it comes from but it only lasts a day or so

You are not unloved and you are not a failure . You’ve got through Uni - brought up your son and obtained the startup business loan plus are working towards building up your business . These things take time and are stressful . You have a DS whom you love and parents who you say are lovely . You have lost heart is all . That feeling will pass . But you need to ask for help too .
You are just 26 years old - you have time to sort all the financial side of things out and should be confiding in your parents .
I’m sure they don’t see you or DS as a burden .
You say things have been difficult over the last six years which coincide with bringing up your DS . It’s tough essentially being a single Mum . He’s looking to you to be the one constant in his life - it’s a terrific responsibility when you feel as low as this . All of it is a burden you need to share .
There’s only one situation worse in not having the loving partner you long for - having the wrong partner .
Concentrate on making your DS happy and the things you can change - in time the rest will fall into place .

Sorry to hear you're having such a crap time.
Definitely worth speaking to your GP and seeing if you can arrange to speak with a counsellor.
Life is really hard at times, sometimes it feels like you won't ever get out the black hole but you will.
You sound lovely, and I'm sure your child thinks that about you too, even if you can't see it yourself, I'm sure you are their whole world!

JK Rowling has talked about how she contemplated suicide when she was a single parent and unemployed. She has also talked about how counselling helped her and she has donated to counselling services for many years. Not saying you will become like her in any way but I find it helps to know that others have been there and turned things around.

SausageSimon
You don't sound like a failure, you sound like someone who has done it all single handedly. Please remember that men are not expected to do it alone; this is why they have wives.

I can completely relate to this. I found my life unbearable when I was an unemployed single parent. I received nothing but job rejections for a year and had mental health difficulties. They sort of got worse and developed into a psychotic episode because things were so, so bad in my head. I remember having this realisation hit me that life isn’t like a film and things won’t just get better. This was really just my life. I also remember trying to train myself to enjoy daytime tv because I didn’t think my life would ever be anything other than sitting in my shitty house, existing on the minimum amount of money possible with no prospects for improvement. I also used to cry when I woke up in the morning and found that I was still alive. I wouldn’t say I wanted to kill myself exactly, just not be alive. And I felt that way even though I absolutely adored my child. I felt guilty that he was lumbered with me as his only parent and was convinced that he would be better off without me.

And I was wrong! I’m a few years on from that now. My child is twelve and I am married with another younger child. I own my own home, I’ve gained qualifications and I have recently secured an opportunity which is likely to improve my life and bring job prospects.

None of it happened overnight or was a sort of noticeable revelation where I could say “oh, my life is actually starting up properly now” but I’ve got to a place I would never have dreamt possible. I suppose my life is quite boring and small by many people’s standards, but I am so content I have to pinch myself. I feel incredibly lucky. It did take years of my life feeling that way, but as a previous poster said, your life can be kind of stagnant for a while when children are young.

And I know you’ve said that people are always saying to just hang on in there and things will get better, but I’m going to also say it! It sounds trite and hollow but it is true and I am living proof. Just keep going. Your child loves you more than anything. You are their absolute world and you need to keep going for their sake.

I found that therapy and medication helped, but my life gradually changing and improving was the biggest help. And your life won’t stay the same forever, nobody’s does. You are not going to be living the same life when your child is twenty as you are now that they are six.

Have you told your parents how you are really feeling. If I were them I would want to know and I would want to help.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so down. 💐💐💐💐

Just want to add my support OP, was also a single parent, children grown up now, and completely understand your feelings, there can be times of despair and feeling locked into a tough existence, I’m not one for cliches but honestly this too will pass and I know that sounds glib and meaningless when it all feels too hard, but you have achieved an incredible amount in raising your son, going through uni, etc, that’s already way more than many and shows your strength, keep on keeping on and that better life will find you xx

Thank you for your messages it was nice to have something to wake up to to read.

Tuesday is the first day of the week for my business and I dread it because it's hard work rushing against the clock to get set up but at least it goes quickly.
Sometimes I wish I'd stuck at working 16 hours for someone else and I can see myself having to go back to that in the new year. I don't think my business will be able to survive a quiet January sadly so I know a lot more stress and shame is on its way

It's nice to hear your stories (and JK Rowlings) and know there hopefully will be a way out.

The thing is I really don't struggle because of DS, it's the lack of any thing else at all in my life. I talk to my mum about how I feel sometimes but she doesn't know I wish I was dead at some point every day that would crush her.
I was saying to her yesterday I could cope with struggling with my business if I had anything to come home to. Whether that was a decent couple of friends I really loved, or a supportive partner or even a few kids where I'd feel I had a family.

But I come home to DS alone and I feel sad that he's missing out on having a sibling or a step dad. And I feel like I'm missing out too, on the odd occasion his dad is here a bit more the different is huge. He can help with jobs or I just enjoy hearing them talking or playing together. DS will be 10+ by the time he has a sibling if ever, I don't think I'll ever have another child which makes me miserable

It sounds ridiculous but I find myself getting very wound up by other women too. I can only name one woman I know personally that earns more than her husband.

The rest all either don't work, or have only ever worked part time. Yet they have a mortgage paid by their husband or partner and I find it really winds me up because nobody loves me and wants to provide that for me but everyone acts like it's their right.

Like my mum for example, she married my dad and has only ever worked part time. Yet she's living in a house where you'd need an income of about 60k to afford on your own but tells me my life will get better and that everything is alright

I don't see myself ever earning 20k by myself so how is everything ok, where is my man who swoops in and pays for everything?

My neighbour was telling me he wishes he never bought a house where we live and that his partner is pushing for them to get a 4 bed detached house. But here we are again she works part time on minimum wage but wants the earth because her sister lives in a massive new build and doesn't even work.

The only other women I know who have their own business aren't earning much either but their partner pays for their large beautiful homes so I truly feel like one on my own. I don't know a single other person in this situation as everyone else who was a single parent has gone on to meet someone and have more kids

It's a ridiculous thing to think about but I find myself noticing it in all the women I know now and it makes me angry. I suppose it's the feeling of injustice that I'm working harder or as hard as them but I don't get a nice life cause a man doesn't love me so I feel punished that I can only ever achieve a shit life by myself

“@somebrightmorning I've struggled with my mental health on and off since 18 but this feels different. I don't feel unwell this time just desperately unhappy with how my life is, where before I've been able to recognise I wasn't well. Maybe I'm just wrong this time I don't know”

I don’t know either but I would say this to a GP. It may be situational but I suspect you’re feelings lots of the taboo emotions (resentment of those who seem to have it better, feeling unloved, etc). I think it’s harder to feel those emotions because people in real life are much less sympathetic.

Your feelings are totally understandable and valid and it's good that you're expressing them here.

I also want to say though, it is for certain that some of those people you resent have big problems that you can't see. Their relationships may be unhappy. They may have unfulfilled dreams. I bet they sometimes look at you and think that they wish they could be as independent and strong.

Also, these kind of thoughts and resentments, which are absolutely fine and normal to have, can get stuck in your head going round and round when you are dealing with something like depression and that's not so good for you because you don't want to have to feel those negative emotions multiple times a day. Hopefully counselling can help but there are a lot of other things that might as well, like CBT or medication, which you could discuss with your GP.

You are in a tough situation and it's totally understandable why you would feel like it's all gotten too much. Talking about it and asking for help are definitely really good steps to making a change.