My life feels unbearable

[SausageSimon]

There isn't an area of my life that brings me joy, it feels like every thing is a problem beyond my help and I don't think I can cope for much longer

I'm skint, and in a few thousand pounds of debt I'm struggling to shift. I left university two years ago (I'm 26 now) and basically realised my life wasn't going to turn out to be anything decent at all. My life was the exact same back then in the same rented house with DS, but the difference was back then I had hope for the future and now I have none at all

I took out a start up business loan to buy my own business with the intention of being able to earn and also be there for DS. It was well planned out and thought through, it was something I'd been planning for years. The job is great but I'm at risk at getting into further debt there as I'm not earning much which is terrifying

I can't remember the last time I felt truly close to anybody, friendships have faded out and my relationships have been crap. Always really lovely men, but they don't want me essentially. So it's just me by myself in life, I could cope without one of those but to have nobody is devastating. I can't see me ever having a close friend or a man who wants to spend more than ten minutes in my company, yet everyone I know is buying houses, having kids and getting engaged

I have a wonderful 6yo DS but I don't even get to enjoy him truly which absolutely kills me because I'm so desperately unhappy in every other area of my life. I'm also gutted he will probably be an only child especially when all I want is a family and he's missing out on so much growing up with just me at home. It's not like I even have close friends to spend time with us and he notices how upset and moody I am which breaks my heart

I have no security in my life emotionally or financially and I'm just at the point now where I wish it would all end. I don't see any way out of any of this, I have nothing and I can't find a way to change.

I've always been a very logical and proactive person when it's comes to problems in life. I'd always sit down after the emotions had passed and figure out a plan to resolve it but how can you resolve being unloved and a failure

Your still so young op. Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but please talk to your go if you haven't.
I'm 38 and feeling like my life is pretty shit. I have a husband and 3 kids but I'm still miserable. I made some pretty shit choices this year trying to find some exitment. Ended up even more miserable. You can turn things around

G.p*

OP, if you are snapping at your son, crying and wishing you were dead, you are definitely depressed. You do need some medical intervention so you can get onto a more even keel. I strongly recommend you ask the GP for some anti depressants to see you through this bad patch and give you enough head space to sort out a self-care system that will keep you supported when you come off them.

I meant it when I said PM me with some details of yoru business and I'll see if I can help you on some marketing strategies.

Also, FWIW, I genuinely agree that you are having this dark period because good is in store. I was in such a dark place when DC were small. Life was unbearable (for very different reasons but equally challenging - very sick child, ;ife threatening sleep deprivation that went on for years and years. It felt like I was living in hell. And then it lifted. And the one thing I notice about myself these days is that I hugely appreciate the small things in life. They give me a dopamine hit of joy that most people miss. And the small things are easily found. I get a kick out of watching squirrels and birds eat our toast scraps in the morning, a kick out of watching the sun ris eon a winter's day, a kick out of the smell of fresh coffee, the sound of rain when we're tucked up inside, a funny programme on the radio, putting on my favourite music loudly while I tidy the house and make it look good. All because life was so dire for so long I thought I'd never come out the other side, and when we all finally did, when DS got better, some of the bigger goals in life seemed less important.

I'm not underestimating your stress, btw. Just agreeing that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. meanwhile, get your useless ex to pull his weight and spend time with you and your DS far more often. Ask for plenty of input from him - his time, energy, money, parental responsibility. Ask the same from your mum. It's so hard to ask for help when you are down, but do it anyway.

As others have said ,you sound as though you have achieved so much .i'm so sorry life is so hard at the moment .

This might sound a little out there but one of your posts about feeling tested really resonated with me .

I have a friend who attends Budhist mtgs and she has found strength and support from the mtgs ,the people she meets . I went with her a couple of times ,and while it wasn't for me I can see that it offers a helpful structure to get you through life .Certainly the ppl were lovely ,welcoming and all v different from each other .

I think there are many kinds but she belongs to

sgi-uk.org/Local-Community and they have groups every where .

Just a thought .

Good luck ,sending strength xx

OP,
What about quitting the business sooner rather than later? Might you be able to find work somewhere where there is a good atmosphere or would it not work with your son and childcare?

Also, are you looking after yourself in general? Are you sleeping and eating ok? The world looks a lot worse when you are exhausted.

Are you drinking too much alcohol?

Sorry, that ‘are you drinking too much alcohol question sounded weird 😕. I was just wondering if there were any other factors that might be contributing to how you are feeling?

@milliefiori thank you that means a lot, I will message you later tonight!

I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you went through, it's reassuring to hear you came through the other side though. How long did it last roughly?

I've messaged his dad asking when he can help this week which is good that always makes me feel better. Both because I get help but aswell because I love to see DS spending time with us both. It makes me feel less like I'm letting him down for a while

I'm very reluctant to try anti depressants again, I was on sertraline (think that may be for anxiety though, I'm not sure) for a year but it didn't really help.
There is an excellent book by Johann Hari called Lost Connections about depression, seriously worth a read (or listen I had it as an audiobook) and it details the trials done on antidepressants and long story short the genuine effects are small but the side effects are very real. The effect is mostly placebo

Thank you for your advice and kind words @peridito I will have a look into that this evening

Hi @MeTheCoolOne thank you for your message, I'm torn about the business as I love the job and it does make me feel good. Just the money isn't there at the minute, and it helps massively in terms of DS so I'd be reluctant to go elsewhere and have to work a lot of hours further from home

I don't drink often, never alone just one or two if invited for tea at my parents. But other than that I don't drink!
I binge eat when unhappy so I've piled a few stone on which makes me feel unhappy too, but I can't seem to help myself when unhappy so I suppose I'm neglecting myself in that respect. Sleep wise I could sleep forever lately

You sound so lovely SausageSimon ,some man is missing out on not being with you .

I feel sure there are good times waiting for you .

That's really kind of you to say @peridito let's hope that is true!

I really appreciate all of the messages everyone has sent, it means a lot.

I cried this morning and a couple of people noticed my puffy eyes which felt a bit embarrassing but nice that they cared, I just said I didn't get much sleep

@SausageSimon - interesting info on ADs. I was on and off them for years and came off them entirely about 15 months ago. I am pretty vigilant about keep my moods even and I know exactly what to do now to get myself out of the deep descent. But it took years of research and trial and error before I found a system. Not sure I could have done it when DC were tiny and I was crying and snapping all the time. I did need a chemical reboot. No shame in that.

Short term (NOT long term) I recommend Citalopram. It's fast acting (unlike Prozac) and it makes you feel happy and normal, whereas some of them seem to just suppress sadness - not the same at all. It really did help me. I stopped snapping at DC which was the thing I really hated about myself at the time. And I've never snapped at them since. It seemed to cure me of that trait for life. You'd just need to take it for a couple of months to break that pattern of moods then come off very very slowly to avoid side effects, and while you are on a chemical up, sort out all the strategies for keeping yourself well and happy long term.

It is incredibly hard to try and sort out your mood when you are so low that you have crying jags and bad temper at DC along with all the other stresses you are describing which are genuine. Give yourself a short break from it with medication. I'd never ever advocate staying on long term as I did. It has done my physical health some long term damage.

What type of business is it? There might be someone here who can help with suggestions/mentoring etc

@ChampagneCommunist - I've already offered twice. OP says she'll get in touch.

@milliefiori I'm not entirely sure how to send a private message! I'm on the iPhone app and it doesn't seem to have an option for messaging unless I'm being silly?

The author I mentioned further down was on antidepressants through all of his 20s and into his 30's. He actively promoted them to the public through articles because he truly believed in their effects, but his recent research into them is ironically rather depressing. I'd recommend the book to anyone because it was a real eye opener for me, and I think his experience would be very relatable to a lot of people who have been on anti depressants

@ChampagneCommunist kind of outing alongside my situation but it's a tearoom

Hi, I'm on the app too & can't send PM's.

Have a look here for some ideas: nattercafe.co.uk

They have all sorts going on. Some of their ideas might work for you?

@SausageSimon - it's a tearoom? And is it not getting enough footfall or are people not spending enough or are rates and overheads so high you can't make a living from it? I.e. Have you identified the main reasons why you're not earning enough from it?

Not sure how the app works, but I'll PM you first, see if that flags up on your phone.

Footfall mostly I suppose! We get a lot of great feedback, we are building a good base of regular customers but it's too up and down

It doesn't do my mental health very good because there's no security but I don't want to pack in so soon.

The business had been going for 18 months before but the previous owner put very little effort in to advertising etc. So I bought her out and I've created social media for it etc which has improved things but I don't know whether it'll ever get good enough

That sounds stressful. Don’t underestimate the impact of that

I can't believe my life has turned out how it has, I feel like I'm suffocating

Hi

I've PM'd you. Not sure if it will appear on the app, as you say.

If it's footfall that's the issue, are there any things you can do that would bring people to the tea room at a given time for a guaranteed income? (e.g. regular Wednesday morning book club or book swap; a few kids' biscuit decorating sessions in the run up to Christmas.)

You feel like you are suffocating but you are still so young. Your life hasn't turned out in a given, set direction yet. It's just going through an incredibly tough time and you have every reason to feel the way you do. It's incredibly hard at times, especially when those times seem never ending. When DC were small and DS2 was really ill and screamed for 16 hours a day and ate nothing and was awake howling all night long so i was so shattered I forgot my own name and address, I thought it would never end. I lived on diet coke and nerves cried all the time. I was a rubbish mum when they were very very young. I sorted myself out and although there are ongoing challenges (as most lives have beneath their glittering facades) I am very happy and life is sweet. I am sure this will happen for you too.