I'm absolutely heartbroken. Have just found out DD1 was raped by her BF

[drivinmecrazy]

My DD1 (18) was in a relationship with a boy from about the age of 14 til a few months ago. I was never comfortable with him for many reasons , mainly because he belittled and made my DD feel crap.
Fortunately for her (and us) he split with her over the summer which was great timing because she went away to uni unencumbered
DD1 has always implied all was not well between them sexually but because we had such an open relationship I left it to her to come to us with anything she couldn't handle.
Tonight she felt that after a week of flash backs and nightmares she had to tell me.
Not good.
Fucking hate the fucker.
Have messaged his mother (DD1 had a wonderful relationship with her and was often told by his mother that she deserved better than her son)) . His mother has said that she knew some of what has gone on but as much as she loves my DD her loyalties lie with her son.
Fair enough.
But I'm left with such anger and remorse that I knew it was a feckin unhealthy relationship but didn't do enough to stop it.
How does a mother of a son who has basically raped a girl several times still look him in the eye??
Just cannot understand it.
Don't understand any of what I'm feeling right now tbh

I just want to reach out and offer my love to you both. The positive is she is comfortable in reaching out and telling you this, and it’s something too that you share this horror with her too now, though you should never have to in the first place.
It’s okay to feel all the things you are, and your daughter too. Communicate, let out, release. But never to one another; and if you do feel no shame but again talk, apologise and grow. I’m sorry I can offer no more than that but communication really is healing.

Thank you. I think my challenge now is putting aside my anger and absolute hatred and following my DDs lead.
It's very frustrating when she has been bought up in an environment where she is taught about empowerment and she herself has seen friends fall victim to a council of silence.
Guess it's taught me that any body's children can fall into the same situation.
Will not apologise for feeling angry at his mother though. She has a 15 yo DD and I know she would not act rationally if she were to experience what her son put my DD through

She's minimising his behaviour because he's her little boy. Not helpful to anyone really but she knows deep down what her son is.
Is there any support your daughter can seek out? Charities etc? You could offer them to her and let her decide.
Obviously you couldn't have stopped this happening, by keeping them apart you'd have created some star crossed lovers narrative and they'd probably have been pushed closer together.
I think young women are seriously let down by society these days in how boys are allowed to behave and what girls are expected to put up with, pornography demonstrating submissive women and aggressive men etc. I hope she can find some way of moving through this.

I’m so sorry your dd has gone through this. Please don’t feel blame. You did what you were able to try to keep her as safe as possible. You know in your heart of hearts you couldn’t have stopped her being with him.

As for your conversation with her ex’s mother, somewhere along the way her son has got the impression it’s ok to treat women with disrespect and ridicule them. Perhaps that notion came from her. My parents definitely brought my brother and I up in the belief males are superior to females. This can be very subtle and easily denied or explained away by the adults involved. In any case, she failed both him and your dd. She knew some of the thing your dd was subjected to and chose not to divulge them. It isn’t any wonder she has had this reaction to your call. I know that is no consolation for you.

I hope you will encourage her to go to the police and report this?

He cannot get away with this behaviour, he needs to be stopped. He will only continue this in other relationships.

So sorry for your daughter x

You need to report this to the police straight away ... he could do this to another girl if you let him get away with it.

Yes, encourage her to report him. If she doesn't want to, that's fine, he or his actions are not her responsibility.

Does his mother actually know about the rape? I'd want her to know and she is not a nice woman if she minimises her son's behaviour.

Do not pressurise her into going to the police, just support her in doing whatever helps her to heal (which might be going to the police, might not be).

You need to report this to the police straight away ... he could do this to another girl if you let him get away with it.

If he does this to someone else that's 100% because he's a rapist, not because OPs daughter is letting him.

I would encourage her to go to the police for herself though. It's also likely there was other abuse going on too because fundamentally he wanted to control/dominate her.

I would also look into a counsellor who has training in both trauma and EMDR. The flashbacks can go, she won't feel like this forever. As part of healing though, for some people it can help to have reported.

She can also call rape crisis.

And I would recommend you also get some help dealing with how this makes you feel. If you have a place where you can get it all out once a week, it helps both processing it and freeing up mental space for being present with DD.

for you both.

• As part of healing though, for some people it can help to have reported.

That relates to paragraph about reporting - put it in wrong place!

I would also get your DD to seek out trauma counselling through the university health centre. You do not need to report a rape to the police to access counselling and mental health help for rape. She cannot live indefinitely with flash backs and nightmares. So she will need help to reduce those and cope with them.
Do not blame yourself.

I'm glad she told you and I'm sorry she has been through this xxx

Hand holding OP this happened to a friend of mine but she was in her 20s. She didn't realise the damage that had been done and tried to "get over it" unsuccessfully. She had no idea the level of impact the abuse had on her until she began counselling. Your DD needs to speak with a professional here - PP have suggested. IDAS is possibly one. Unfortunately, people in abusive relationships are statistically more likely to get into another unhealthy relationship in future and your DD needs to be made aware of other abusive traits to stop it happening again.

Op your dd needs to report this to the pokice to stop another girl being raped. Hand hold as its hard

Op your dd needs to report this to the pokice to stop another girl being raped

OP, what this man does or doesn't do to another woman is HIS responsibility, so ignore crap like this. Your DD's only concern should be for her own wellbeing and what will help her recover and move on. For some women, that means reporting it and for others it doesn't, and that is fine.

The only thing that will stop another woman being raped is for this man to stop being a rapist. His actions are his responsibility and his alone.

I do think that your DD might need to seek some sort of counselling if she is having flashbacks and nightmares, though.

OP the first thing you must do is report him to the police, if he has done this to your dd he will go on to do the same to other girls.

Secondly book an app with your GP and request some urgent counselling for your dd, so she can process what has happened and get some proper support.

Being angry is natural, but won't help her (and make her feel worse) let her talk to you and open up, support her with a counselling and in other ways. Help her reclaim her body by practicing lots and lots of self care (warm baths, massage (if she is ready for that) eating well and caring for herself) and discussing with her when she is ready what went wrong, where were the signs that this was going badly. If you can help her understand that this was not her fault, and secondly to be able to 'spot' men that are not good for her going forward.

Your feelings need to come secondary, this is about getting her fixed, repaired and healed now. With the right support she can go on and have a wonderful life, be sure of that. (The same can not be said for the boy who now needs to live with what he has done forever)

She doesn't need to report him to the police if she can't face it. Firstly his actions are not her responsibility, secondly only a small number of men are found guilty in rape cases so it wouldn't make any diference to his actions anyway.

I am not sure why you are being advised not to report him to the police (if your dd is happy to do so) this is the ONLY way to prevent him from hurting others.

I wish I had, and I still think about the fact I didn't report 25 years later, as yes he definitely went on to do it again of that I know for certain. Not a nice thing to live with.

I am not sure why you are being advised not to report him to the police (if your dd is happy to do so) this is the ONLY way to prevent him from hurting others.

The OP is being advised that her DD needs to focus on her own needs now. The last thing DD needs is to feel that this man's actions are her responsibility. Enough soul-searching, self-blame and shame will be happening already without her having to take responsibility for his possible future crimes on her shoulders.

And although you belatedly remembered that it might be nice to give the DD some choice in the matter in the post I've quoted, your first one stated: the first thing you must do is report him to the police, if he has done this to your dd he will go on to do the same to other girls.

"Must"? Don't you think she's had enough of people removing her right to make a choice already?

for your DD and for you too OP (having been the friend sleeping on the floor so my mate had someone there for her when she woke with nightmares, I know that this will be draining for you too).

I second the suggestion upthread of seeking out professional counselling if you can.

( Considerme please don't carry that guilt. It's so unlikely anything you could have done would have made a difference; only a tiny fraction of reported rapes make it as far as a prosecution, and even if it had, the odds would still have been against a conviction. The only person responsible for him having done it twice is the rapist himself.)

to you and your DD.

I can empathise completely with you. I have DDs in late teens to late 20s. This would make me feel quite murderous. I firmly believe there is a special place in hell for abusive rapists and their enabling parents.

I hope you will manage to get your DD to talk to a Rape Crisis counselor.

Rape Crisis can recommend general relationship counselors. There are different forms of therapy for dealing with PTSD and she might like to try different approaches to see which one helps her feel most comfortable.

Rape Crisis or maybe Women's Aid could recommend a counselor for her to talk to about the relationship as a whole - repeated rape doesn't occur in a vacuum; it's likely this relationship was thoroughly abusive on every level, and she will need a good deal of professional support to regain her equilibrium and reclaim her sense of self worth.

Yes, reporting to the police could form part of her recovery, but I will go against the grain here and suggest there is no hurry about it, and that if she is inclined to do it she should only consider it when she has a support system in place for herself in the form of a counselor. Dealing with police after rape can magnify the trauma, sadly, even when a victim has physical evidence to present.

If your DD doesn't report him to the police then she should at least write a journal. Make notes. Something so that one day in the future should she decide she needs to proceed with legal action for her own recovery, she has dates, facts and evidence of saying it happened at the time.

IME justice is good but therapy is also very important for helping to put such a thing behind one.

I am so sorry for you both.

You need ask her to report it otherwise you are the same as the sons mother and minimising it. The way this is handled now will positively or negatively impact her future relationships. If she doesn’t want to report it, I’d be inclined to have a conversation with the police anyway.

Have you discussed what action she wants to take OP? Reporting tapes can be very hard on the victim so I'm sure she will need all your support to get through it. What an awful thing to have to find out.

You said he "basically raped" her, what do you mean by that?