I'm absolutely heartbroken. Have just found out DD1 was raped by her BF

[drivinmecrazy]

My DD1 (18) was in a relationship with a boy from about the age of 14 til a few months ago. I was never comfortable with him for many reasons , mainly because he belittled and made my DD feel crap.
Fortunately for her (and us) he split with her over the summer which was great timing because she went away to uni unencumbered
DD1 has always implied all was not well between them sexually but because we had such an open relationship I left it to her to come to us with anything she couldn't handle.
Tonight she felt that after a week of flash backs and nightmares she had to tell me.
Not good.
Fucking hate the fucker.
Have messaged his mother (DD1 had a wonderful relationship with her and was often told by his mother that she deserved better than her son)) . His mother has said that she knew some of what has gone on but as much as she loves my DD her loyalties lie with her son.
Fair enough.
But I'm left with such anger and remorse that I knew it was a feckin unhealthy relationship but didn't do enough to stop it.
How does a mother of a son who has basically raped a girl several times still look him in the eye??
Just cannot understand it.
Don't understand any of what I'm feeling right now tbh

Rapes* not tapes

That is really unfair, unhelpful, untrue and down right cruel Widowodiw.

Completely agree wrt Widowodiw's post.

You need ask her to report it otherwise you are the same as the sons mother and minimising it.

Please ignore bollocks like this OP. There is no comparison between a mother shielding a rapist and a mother helping her daughter to heal after rape.

I think some people have a starry-eyed view of what it means to report a rape and no real understanding of how difficult and traumatising a process it can (not automatically, but too often) be, and how fruitless the outcome. If your daughter feels she can report it then that’s fine; if not that’s equally fine. The suggestion to note it down in a journal is a good one, and I echo the recommendations to encourage her to seek trauma counselling.

Be kind to yourself too OP; as others have said there is nothing you could have done to prevent this, but you are obviously a wonderful mother for your DD to feel she can open up to you. Much love and strength to you both

To those who insist she reports it to police, what do you honestly and most likely going to happen if she did?

What is it you realistically expected his mother to do? I think you need to realise that what you have told her will have been very difficult to digest. And you have no idea what she may have said to her son. Or indeed, what the consequences may have been for him at home.

Put the mother’s action, or apparent lack of action, to one side. Focus on your daughter. I am sorry this has happened to her, and you, but your love and strength as a family will help her successfully put this behind her.

I was your dd 20 years ago , I got into a relationship at 14/15 with a older guy who had a reputation, he abused me many times from the age of 15 through to 18. The difference was my parents knew his background, knew he wasn’t safe yet my mum saw the good in him and allowed our relationship to continue, she tells me she was worried she would lose me if she tried to stop it. My mum only found out 3 years ago what he did to me, she’s never really talked about it with me since. I do hold a small grudge against my parents for not protecting me but I am still close to them. The mans parents were well aware what he was like, he had since gone to prison and other woman had been abused by him, they still stuck by him as he was their son. 5 years ago he took his own life (and selfishly almost took others with him).

I know your probably feeling all sorts of emissions, anger towards him and guilt for not seeing what was happening but you can’t turn back time. Parents tend to stick by their kids what ever they do, it’s just the way we are.

Please keep talking to your dd, let her know she can talk to you whenever she likes and let her know how you are feeling. I feel odd that my mum never mentions what I went through as a teen, like it never happened, it almost feels like she doesn’t believe me.

I am sorry for your dd OP, but at the same time I can't understand why you enabled an illegal sexual relationship, your dd was only 14 you say?

That's illegal. Did you stand by while it was going on?

Ask her what she wants to do and emphasise you'll support any decision she makes. She doesn't have to report it if she doesn't want to.

Encourage her to seek help from rape crisis,women's aid or therapy.

Love and support her , and as hard as it is try to keep your anger away from her.

If you're struggling , look for some counselling yourself.

Hugs to you both.

I don't know what to say except wen love to you both and say she's so unbelievably lucky to have you.

Just love her and be there for her.
Dont try to "make" her do anything.
Maybe consider counselling for yourself so you dont express your own anger and guilt to her, she has enough to cope with.
(Think I'd be tempted to key the little bastards car though).

@drivinmecrazy please don’t pressure your daughter to report despite what @Widowodiw and @londonrach say.
Ime a court case can be at least as traumatic as the rape and it can only be your daughter’s choice. I reported mine months later after hearing he’d tried to rape someone else, thinking it’d stop him doing it again. There are no guarantees you’ll get a conviction unfortunately.
Let your daughter take the lead and support her to do what she feels able to do/ what she feels is right.
Be there for her, hug her, listen to her and allow her time to deal with this.

@KaptainKaveman how do you know this happened before she was 16? How could the OP have known?

"To those who insist she reports it to police, what do you honestly and most likely going to happen if she did?"

Please do not imply that nothing would happen.

I have been through the process of court. I managed to get the man who attacked me sent to prison decades after he assaulted me. They do listen. Convictions do happen. Shut up with your apparent uninformed bollocks.

"I am sorry for your dd OP, but at the same time I can't understand why you enabled an illegal sexual relationship, your dd was only 14 you say?"

What is wrong with you ? Stop fucking blaming the mother. She is going to feel shut as it is. Teenagers do what they want. Parents can not keep them locked in.

I'm glad you got justice, Sunshine.. My friend on the other hand did not (I held her hand through a succession of intrusive and often aggressive sessions with the police only to watch them "no crime" the incident). It can go either way.

Hence my suggestion that OP's daughter be supported in doing what she feels wil help her, not bullyed into one course of action or the other by people with a misguided sense of civic duty (with a side order of victim blaming).

At least you and I are talking from actual experience. May I respectfully suggest that those who don't have experience butt out?

I have been through the process of court. I managed to get the man who attacked me sent to prison decades after he assaulted me. They do listen. Convictions do happen. Shut up with your apparent uninformed bollocks.

I’m genuinely pleased that you got justice, Sunshine. Far too many women don’t, unfortunately. I’m ex-criminal justice system and have seen firsthand the number of rape and sexual assault files that don’t even make it as far as the accused being charged, and the sorts of reasons given in that pre-charge advice not to proceed. Some weeks there would be easily 5 or 6 dropped cases compared to one that made it to charge. The majority that did make it to court were either discontinued (admittedly sometimes because the victim withdrew their complaint, often because they were, sadly, in a DA relationship with the defendant and had come under pressure) or found not guilty in court.

I freely admit I talk a lot of bollocks but on this particular topic, it is not uninformed.

If your daughter decides to go to the police she will get justice for what she's been through, why should he get off Scott free while she suffers the consequences of his actions? It's her decision but I'd want him to stand and face his fate.

BarbaraStrozzi - I am so sorry for your friend. How is she now? Has she had any help?

OnlyTheTit... I was not accusing you of uninformed bollocks.

If your daughter decides to go to the police she will get justice for what she's been through

Unfortunately, there really is no guarantee thats what would happen. OP, please do access the support for your daughter and also for yourself- you will need an outlet as you deal with this.

Perhaps after receiving professional support and advice she can decide what actions she wants to take next.

This is exactly why people take the law into their own hands, not that I agree with that approach but I can see why some may feel that's the only way to make sure a lesson is taught.

Can he be reported? you can hire people (contact a local private investigator for local links) who will be able to trick him into confessing on video / text msg - you could then take that to the police

Forget what she "must" do and take your lead from her.

OP, thinking of another friend's experience, I'd just like to tell you you are already doing the single most important thing you can for your daughter, which is to believe her. (My friend's mother accused her of attention seeking, which damn near broke her, and it took her 15 years and a failed marriage to get her life back on track emotionally.)

Sunshine - thanks for asking. It's a long time ago, but my other friend "found religion" and got a great deal of support and solace from the church.

for you. I just wanted to offer a hand hold as I have been in your DD's shoes. My mum was largely away at the time working but my DF knew things weren't normal and saw bruises. He left it up to me to talk to him but just looked vaguely repulsed when I did and missed the cues.

I had flashbacks for years and would wake up in floods of tears. Now DH knows some of it but would rather not know the whole lot. What helped me finally move on was hypnotherapy. I don't get the flashbacks anymore.

DM didn't really know and found out properly when I was admitted to hospital for CIN II cells to be removed and she sat with me on the ward. I had to have a GA because of my issues and so understandably the hospital were checking everything on my notes, very diligent and understanding.

I'd get her some therapy, work a lot on her self esteem and confidence and be there for her. I don't blame my parents, it was a difficult time for them generally in other ways and they were just a bit too lax and liberal.