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Original poster

Social services. I'm trying to support my friend.

30 replies

ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:21

I'll keep it as brief as I can but can add more detail if needed...

I'm trying to support a friend who has a 16mth old dd and who is struggling. There are quite a few issues, the most relevant being a drink problem (she's functional most of the time but uses it as a crutch and is dependent), an anxiety disorder (this is the biggest prob in my opinion), dd's dad (it would be blessed relief if he were just 'useless'...) and a difficult housing situation. We are a good hour's drive apart.

She is undergoing a social services assessment after having her dd removed for a few days a while ago. There is little other support apart from her parents (who are currently away for 5wks...) and me, and things tend to reach crisis point before she admits she is struggling.

I helped her deal with s.s. and get dd back several weeks ago. I've now become the person they call (it's happened twice now this week) if they are concerned about her. It's so hard to know how to help or how much I should try. I have have my own family, including a bf baby. She has commitments and appts with s.s. in her area so even if I would have her stay here for a while it wouldn't be a solution. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do, that poor little girl doesn't deserve any of this. I'm conflicted between 'she chooses to drink/make poor decisions' and 'she needs support and the best place for her dd is definitely with her, but they need help'.

I suppose I just wanted to offload. S.s have openly told me they look to place children with relatives or friends if it comes to it. Her parents are not in great health. There's no one else. I'm feeling so conflicted already, how can I prioritise her family to the detriment of mine!? I'm switching between being angry at her and feeling sorry for her. I think she has the makings of a great mum, she's attentive and loving and is an intelligent woman, I just so hope she can get the help and support they need and actually bloody act on it! If anyone has any experience of a similar situation, or any advice I'd be really grateful to hear it.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/11/2019 12:23

Does she live with the baby's father? What sort of support could his parents give?

Does your friend attend any AA or similar for her drinking?

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:26

No, they don't live together. Thank god, he's an emotionally abusive waste of oxygen. He is in some illegal sublet shithole somewhere. His parents are complicated and don't know the story. His mum seemed decent enough but I don't know her. She is in temp accommodation as a single person.

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 21/11/2019 12:26

I'm feeling so conflicted already, how can I prioritise her family to the detriment of mine!?

^You can’t and shouldn’t. Your family must come first.

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:26

She's had her first meeting with a recovery service for the drinking.

OP posts:
Themyscira · 21/11/2019 12:27

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. You are right to prioritise your own family over your friend, and you sound like you've done so much already. She needs to engage with professionals and follow their advice. In your position, I would sadly refuse any temporary fostering arrangement, based on your own family responsibilities and also the distance. It isn't fair for them to be so far apart, surely she would want/need to see her dd fairly regularly?

I have been in a similar situation and I decided I couldn't be the foster family for my friend's child, as much as I wanted to help. I just couldn't.Sad

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:30

I know MissPiggy - doesn't stop the guilt though!

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 21/11/2019 12:31

Your own family needs to be your priority.

You can be her text/phone support & occasionally visit, but she has an ongoing problem.
If there was a timetable (like for three weeks after surgery), it would be different.

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:34

Thanks all, it's nice to hear my thoughts repeated back to me from an outside perspective Smile

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/11/2019 12:36

It's so hard though when you want to help isn't it? You're in a horrible position but you're 100% doing the right thing.

AnnieOH1 · 21/11/2019 12:40

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Nothing whatsoever. You've done over and above what a lot of people would've done in the same situation.

Consider that if you become more hands on with her that this could provide a smokescreen for her to hide behind, that Social Services might be lead to believe that there are less problems than there really are.

You can still provide her with support over the phone, via text etc but even that doesn't have to be on a daily basis. You've your own health and family to consider.

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 12:52

That's a good point about masking problems... My experience with the s.workers so far has been positive and I think they have acted fairly and seem to actually want to help them. I know that isn't the usual narrative of social workers (!), but I'm still hopeful at the moment that they can help her if she lets them.

OP posts:
WifOfBif · 21/11/2019 12:59

What plan is in place for the child? Is she on a Child in Need or Child Protection plan?

SS will have given your friend clear expectations of what she has do to as a parent - is she engaging with SS and the support offered? If one of the expectations that she seeks help for her alcohol dependency is she doing that?

All you can do is support your friend. It doesn’t sound like SS are at removal stage yet so there is still time for her to turn it around.

ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilmalovescake · 21/11/2019 13:07

You’ve put her name in that post OP. If you report it MNHQ can delete.

Wilmalovescake · 21/11/2019 13:09

Honestly, I’d have the little one. I don’t judge people who wouldn’t but the care system is awful and I couldn’t let a child I knew and cared about go into it if I had any choice.

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:11

Bloody hell, my poor sleep deprived brain! Thank you Wilma, have reported.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:19

Thanks MNHQ Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:21

I'll repeat the deleted post, minus mistake!:

I'm not sure which plan, I will ask. All I know is that there is an assessment ongoing and for the first few weeks she had to be under constant supervision of someone else they approved of (her parents) but that requirement has been lifted.

They were sounding me out to get to them last time or they would have to look at temp foster care (late at night) if she was deemed incapable. I had calmed her down and she was sober and rational so it wasn't necessary, but they would have removed him at least temporarily.

She is engaging with support offered, she's crying out for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:23

Her, they'd have removed her, the daughter. I really do need some sleep 😆

OP posts:
Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 21/11/2019 13:35

Kindly OP, if she's an alcoholic then she will be a shit mum until she is sober. Until she is sober that child will be at risk.
Would you consider taking her child with her blessing until she can get herself dry?

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 21/11/2019 13:40

DM me if you want to, I'm in a very, very similar position to you right now, OP. But I can't write about it on here, my friend might see it. Actually, I'll DM you, because I don't always come on here for ages and will forget to check.

Whodoyoutrust · 21/11/2019 13:45

I say this as a social worker- unless you and the child are already very close, it would be your friend who would benefit from you taking the child in, not the child. There are some wonderful foster carers who could give her the time and support she will need, who are trained in helping kids with attachment disorders which she may have. That may make your decision a little easier.

Original poster
ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 21/11/2019 13:51

Thank you whodoyoutrust, that's a really good point. We are not that close, I don't see her often enough so she prob wouldn't know me at her age. Just in case you haven't heard it today, thank you for what you do as a sw, you have my total respect for a doing a really tough job!

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 21/11/2019 14:18

Please don't worry that the care system means poor care. I am a foster parent and I put my heart and soul into what I do as does almost every other foster parent I know. You are in a really difficult situation, I wish you and your friend all the best.

Ponoka7 · 21/11/2019 14:26

I'd question you thinking that her DD is best placed with her Mum, under the circumstances.

Well meaning friends and relatives help to the point of putting a sticking plaster over the issue, but life for the child continues to be shit.

As harsh as it sounds, better the toddler goes now, than being stuck there in an abusive household with no future.

As said, you've been there for the Mum, but what about the child? You're walking away from providing what is really needed, a secure home.

Would you leave your children to live with this woman? Then why is the child not deserving of better?