Social services. I'm trying to support my friend.

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I'll keep it as brief as I can but can add more detail if needed...

I'm trying to support a friend who has a 16mth old dd and who is struggling. There are quite a few issues, the most relevant being a drink problem (she's functional most of the time but uses it as a crutch and is dependent), an anxiety disorder (this is the biggest prob in my opinion), dd's dad (it would be blessed relief if he were just 'useless'...) and a difficult housing situation. We are a good hour's drive apart.

She is undergoing a social services assessment after having her dd removed for a few days a while ago. There is little other support apart from her parents (who are currently away for 5wks...) and me, and things tend to reach crisis point before she admits she is struggling.

I helped her deal with s.s. and get dd back several weeks ago. I've now become the person they call (it's happened twice now this week) if they are concerned about her. It's so hard to know how to help or how much I should try. I have have my own family, including a bf baby. She has commitments and appts with s.s. in her area so even if I would have her stay here for a while it wouldn't be a solution. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do, that poor little girl doesn't deserve any of this. I'm conflicted between 'she chooses to drink/make poor decisions' and 'she needs support and the best place for her dd is definitely with her, but they need help'.

I suppose I just wanted to offload. S.s have openly told me they look to place children with relatives or friends if it comes to it. Her parents are not in great health. There's no one else. I'm feeling so conflicted already, how can I prioritise her family to the detriment of mine!? I'm switching between being angry at her and feeling sorry for her. I think she has the makings of a great mum, she's attentive and loving and is an intelligent woman, I just so hope she can get the help and support they need and actually bloody act on it! If anyone has any experience of a similar situation, or any advice I'd be really grateful to hear it.

She definitely does deserve better. There's no freaking way I'd leave my children with her, no. Sober her, non panicking her, yes if that was permanent. But it's not, she is "fine" most of the time until she's really not. I'm trying not to apologize too much for her, maybe I am, but as a very precious mother myself I don't believe she is being 'abusive'. Ultimately my opinion is the important one though.

"You're walking away" is slightly too emotive maybe? I'm certainly not walking away, unlike every other friend, the child's father and even to a certain extent her own mother. They can stay here if it helps but it doesn't. I'm questioning my absolute capacity to care for an extra one year old when I have my own and a primary aged child (and a very ill parent) for an extended unspecified period of time and all that would entail. It's hard to know how to help, that's why I thought I'd ask here. x

I meant my opinion isn't the important one, sorry 😆

I would tell social services I didn't want to be involved if this was my friend, and then be there for her as a friend if she wanted me to and not otherwise. I wouldn't want to be caught in the cross fire and I don't think it's appropriate for social services to be telling you her business (even if she is!)

@Ponoka7 I dont think the OP should be taking on the child that isnt what is best - as a previous PP (social Worker) said there are would be foster homes set up to provide what this child needs. Which is I suspect experienced care. I have been there where a mother has lost a child due to drinking at a later stage and it was awful but necessary

OP I think you focus on being there for your friend and accept that doesnt mean the child should live with you and that is ok. It is the right decision for you, your family and the child. And I think your friend

By 'her own mother' I meant friend's mother, the one who has decamped to their holiday home abroad...

Currently, ss have judged it best to leave them together and keep an eye on them. Friend wouldn't willingly give dd up so there's no need to further in to where she should go at this point. I'll do my best to support them and will make sure that includes more frequent visits.
Thanks all, it's really helped to talk it through x