Please help me give DH a gentle kick up the arse

[Youhavenoidea]

Bit of background. DH and I have DS 7 and DD2.

I worked school hours and did all drop offs (childminder and school) until September when I got a new job. I used to work in my DS school which was great but paid me peanuts and wasn’t particularly intellectually stimulating. My new job is lecturing in my area of expertise at university so requires much longer hours which we agreed was manageable with some flex on both parts and worth it for the massive pay rise. I am now the main earner.

We agreed to me dropping off and picking up 2 days and him 3. With both of us making up the time on the other days. This means on the days we are not dropping off we are out of the house at 6.30.

Mornings for the drop off person will be, wake kids at 7, breakfast, dress them, well dress DD, moan at DS until he is dressed (I put clothes out night before). Put lunches (again I make night before) in bags, make up water bottles, toilet, teeth, hair etc... Leave house at 7.55, drop DS at school and then on to Childminder for DD, drive to work. Get to work for 9.

Basically, DH finds the whole thing incredibly stressful, kids are often late, and as a result he is too. The childminder tells me every day how worked up he is dropping them off and if I ring him to remind him of something (e.g I forgot to put homework in bag) rude to me and clearly agitated.

He is a wonderful and kind man, he’s very soft on the kids so I think they’re probably playing up, in particular DS in regards to getting dressed but we can’t go on like this. It’s getting to the point where I’m purposely working from home some mornings (which impacts on my time supervising students) just to stop the stress. I think I’m doing as much as I can to help him, doing stuff the night before but I am starting to resent that as it feels like I’m doing it all!

How can I, in a nice way, get him to be more efficient!! Without micromanaging, which is the way I’m going.

This might go against the grain but I think you need to let him find his own way through this & not compromise your work day when he is doing droop off/pick up.
If he asks for help then offer suggestions but don't micromanage him.

Thanks, that’s kind of what I was doing but it’s been going on since they went back to school in sept so it doesn’t feel like he will find his way! I think that’s my main issue. It could be like this for another 10 years.

Have you asked him what the problem is? Listened to him? Or can you see obvious ways he could make things easier for himself?

I left DH to it to find his own way, and he did eventually.
They did often turn up to school without hair brushed though!
It helped them all become more independent.

I think he's doing it so you'll take over his drop offs (whether he's actually thought this out or it's a subconscious act of rebellion) so let him get on with it. If he makes himself late for work it's his problem, don't mother him!

But he'll have to find a way won't he? They are his kids and he's an adult man.
If you carry on doing it all and compromising in your work you will go mad-and your work will suffer-and all because the children's other parent can't organise himself and his own two kids? Come on!

Not your problem. You already do so much with lunches and uniform. He needs to grow the fuck up and if he dared complain I’d point out that he’s doing it on easy mode.

Seriously, complete man child who should be embarrassed.

He discusses it with me regularly but honestly I can’t see why he finds it so hard and I don’t think he does.

The only possible issue which I can’t do much about is that, although I wake him at 6.30 when I go and he appears to start getting himself ready so he’s sorted before the kids wake. Perhaps he goes back to bed for half an hour! He’s always been shit in the morning, but tbh so am I, just gotta get on with it once you’ve got kids!

He needs to find his own way. You’re helping him out a lot with getting lunches, clothes, etc sorted. Perhaps waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier might help.

What does he have to say about it? Does he know why it’s not a harmonious time?
I found that my dh dithered, so an hour to leave the house with the kids fully prepped was fine for me, but it took him at least 45 minutes longer.

I’d talk it all through with him, then be completely hands off ( so no more working from home) and they will all learn to be a bit more independent.

This is interesting as this week I've been ill and DH has had to do all the morning getting ready of the DCs and dropping them at the childminders. Listening to him it's clear that whilst he's doing everything that I do he's got a more stock and less carrot approach. He's very much stressing at them and nagging which just doesn't work with DD as she then just bursts into tears and is rooted to the spot. I've tried asking him to be a bit more Mary Poppins about the whole thing but I think he's still finding it a huge adjustment that he defaults to "hurry up, shoes now!" And then the tears start again!!

I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm hoping I'll be well enough to go in tomorrow so will be both of us getting them ready and I'm going to try and model the approach that works best with DD and hope he gets it. The issue is that being a SAHM for years I've evolved my approach over that time through trial and error whereas I'm expecting him to get it after a few days. Not sure what the answer is in your case, except perhaps chatting about whether it's his approach and way of interacting that's the issue - is he nagging them to get dressed or doing the "how quickly can you get dressed? Ready steady go!" - that sort of thing can make a difference if you're short of time and everyone's getting irate.

How is it such a drama to get two kids up and ready in the morning.
Let him get on with it. Lunches are ready uniform is laid out, by you btw, he’ll just have to get on with it.

It’s probably a period of adjustment for them all. Can you talk to the children and ask them to be helpful on those days? They are probably stressed by the situation but might not know what they can do to change things, or to express how they feel.

Ultimately, your husband has to step up.
I appreciate it’s a steep learning curve for him but he has to take responsibility not just for getting them up and out in the mornings but also being kind and loving towards them.

I would find managing another grown adult incredibly annoying. He really needs to find his own way and to figure out what's not working, why he's late all the time. Most I would do is to suggest that he changes something - like if DS takes forever to get dressed, he should get dressed the first thing. Yes to setting alarm earlier. If it's DH's turn to drop them off, suggest that you find it helpful to get everything ready and prepared the night before, including your own things - so there's no looking for car keys or homework.

I leave before kids wake up a couple of mornings, and DH manages it all, including remembering lunches, gym kits, water bottles and whatever extra they need to bring to school that day. Not really rocket science. I'm actually wondering if you're not making it more complicated by preparing some of the things - maybe he needs to be fully in charge for everything so he can figure the entire process out?

What does he say when he’s discussed it with you?

I was listening to Jay Rayner being interviewed recently. He was asked “Can you cook?” There was a surprised pause, then he said “Of course I can- I’m a adult”

OP- your partner is an adult. He is not being expected to do anything difficult. Stop enabling his incompetence.

It’s not even been a full term yet, just let him get on with it at leat until February, he has to learn to handle it. The kids will survive, though they night not be turned out as well as you would like. Say and do nothing for a while. (Note this is not what I would do myself- I would lose my shit at him for being grumpy and useless and try to take over)

Stop getting stuff ready the night before - he can do that. Stop working from home in the mornings to manage him. Just let him do it, being late every now and again isn't the end of the world.

If he complains or says it's hard, reply "yes it can be. It's easier for me as I've had X years practice, it'll get easier for you too."

Don't take on the mental load.

Stop gossiping about him with the childminder. She's basically writing him off.

Without sounding too morbid, if you were to die tomorrow he'd learn to get on with it, wouldn't he?

You've done it for a couple of years. He's done it for a couple of months. He'll get used to it.

Everyone is expecting DH to be crap at this - you, the childminder, DH and probably the kids. I could rant on about societal expectations, how we expect so little of fathers and indeed how some mothers 'build up their parts' because they're frustrated by being at home. But essentially: this stuff isn't difficult. Back off, for gods sake stop working from home, stop discussing this with the childminder. Be bright and breezy at all times and don't be drawn into discussions. Let them all get on with it. You're already setting up a dynamic that you'll be there ' just in case' by working from home (and incidentally risking poor performance in your new job into the bargain!).

Hands off. Anticipate that it will be easy. Let them get on with it.

Honestly I don't think you are doing him any favours if you prep things and stay at home to help. Let him figure it out and set his own routine. If he expects that you've done half the work, he has no incentives to. If he complains it's hard, do like PP said and say yes it is, I found it helpful to change the routines, prep work and way of managing the chidren until I figured out what worked best for me.

The issue is structure and time management.

I suspected you might say he is leaving it late to get started.

Also (things like) giving the kids too many choices and decisions to make, giving the kids too much time to do things.

However if his style isn't very authoritarian, then maybe he needs to try something else, like making it fun.

i.e. giving them a reward system

You just have to let him get on with it. It’s the classic case of a man doing chores and then the woman not liking how it’s done so they then end up always doing it themselves. I have heard some women say they are convinced their partners mess up deliberately so that they then go in to little red hen mode, you know she always does it herself.

I am a more organised person than DH, I’m pretty military in my approach to everything so we are different types. But for quite a few years I used to leave really early for work and he had to get DS to nursery and then school. I used to pick up after nursery and school. I didn’t for one minute worry about them being late or was he forgetting anything.

Do not work from home and learn to let go.

This is typically ridiculous and I would hate for the children to be late and there might get into trouble himself. Be will certainly lose respect from management. He's getting up very early and most of the hard work is done isn't it. Uniforms out lunches made ..crazy

Thanks for the comments. Some useful food for thought.

I think leaving him to it is the best approach, I was just expecting it to evolve fairly quickly! I will make sure I leave the house on time on my long days at work. I think subconsciously he is hoping I will do it all.

Without wanting to drip feed DH has had some MH issue previously (breakdown due to work stress 9 years ago) so I tend to mollycoddle him a bit and not let confrontation occur. He’s fine now and I need to stop this!

And as for gossiping with the childminder. I always stick up for him!! She just says it very regularly. She’s awesome in all other ways, I think she’s trying to be jovial! I don’t she realises it’s as bigger issue as it is.