Please help me give DH a gentle kick up the arse

[Youhavenoidea]

Bit of background. DH and I have DS 7 and DD2.

I worked school hours and did all drop offs (childminder and school) until September when I got a new job. I used to work in my DS school which was great but paid me peanuts and wasn’t particularly intellectually stimulating. My new job is lecturing in my area of expertise at university so requires much longer hours which we agreed was manageable with some flex on both parts and worth it for the massive pay rise. I am now the main earner.

We agreed to me dropping off and picking up 2 days and him 3. With both of us making up the time on the other days. This means on the days we are not dropping off we are out of the house at 6.30.

Mornings for the drop off person will be, wake kids at 7, breakfast, dress them, well dress DD, moan at DS until he is dressed (I put clothes out night before). Put lunches (again I make night before) in bags, make up water bottles, toilet, teeth, hair etc... Leave house at 7.55, drop DS at school and then on to Childminder for DD, drive to work. Get to work for 9.

Basically, DH finds the whole thing incredibly stressful, kids are often late, and as a result he is too. The childminder tells me every day how worked up he is dropping them off and if I ring him to remind him of something (e.g I forgot to put homework in bag) rude to me and clearly agitated.

He is a wonderful and kind man, he’s very soft on the kids so I think they’re probably playing up, in particular DS in regards to getting dressed but we can’t go on like this. It’s getting to the point where I’m purposely working from home some mornings (which impacts on my time supervising students) just to stop the stress. I think I’m doing as much as I can to help him, doing stuff the night before but I am starting to resent that as it feels like I’m doing it all!

How can I, in a nice way, get him to be more efficient!! Without micromanaging, which is the way I’m going.

Fgs woman (and I say this as a controlling nutbag) leave him be! Don't lay out uniform etc the night before his mornings! One thing I have learned is that people have to have actual ownership of a thing. If you spoon feed them and do bits for them they get zoned out and never really engage.
If he stresses just throw a book on positive reinforcement at him and leave the room..
If he continues to try and make it your problem (and it sounds like he is doing exactly that) kick him in the balls tell him to buck up and sort his own kids properly-just like a million single mums the world over manage to do day in and day out!

It’s the classic case of a man doing chores and then the woman not liking how it’s done so they then end up always doing it themselves

There's 'not liking how it's done' and there's making a complete arse of a task that the OPs giving him significant help with (putting clothes out and making lunches). Let me guess, he doesn't do lunches and clothes prep when its' the OPs turn to take them to school, does he? Why not?

How on earth has he got as far as being a father to school age DC without being able to get them up and leave the house with them competently? Does he need this amount of help with his basic work tasks? Would he get away with needing to be micromanaged and helped at this level at work?

Sounds like you need to go to some work conferences OP, so he has to do the full task all by himself a few times, to help him get the hang of it.

DH and I shared the nursery/school run when our daughter was younger. I find it was better when there was only one parent there.
Don't work from home to help him, he'll never get the hang of it if you are there. He'll fall back on you doing it for him (which you are mostly if you are sorting everything out the night before). He and the children will find a way through it. It may not be how you'd do it but as long as they get there that is the main thing.
I also wouldn't discuss my husband with the childminder.

It’s not that hard with two children if everything’s been laid up and made the day before. Up breakfast, dress, teeth out of door in an hour. Apart from letting them sleep in their clothes and eat A banana in the car not sure what else you can do.

I can’t believe people are seeing the childminder thing as an issue.

We are on good friendly terms with our childminder, we’ve been using her for 7 years and she’s hardly slagging him off, neither am I!

She will tell me he seemed stressed that morning, usually some event will have occurred to preempt it, for example Tuesday morning DD took one shoe off in the car DH didn’t notice in the hurry to get her from the car to the door (it was raining heavily) so he had to return to the childminders house 2 mins later when DS reported the stray shoe in the back of the car! I really don’t have an issue with her divulging that info, especially seeing how DH and DS had already told me.

You can’t gossip about your own husband. Gossip is when it’s not you’re business. Your life partner is your business.

He needs to keep repeating to himself ‘pick your battles’. My husband also finds himself getting wound up unnecessarily; this is his (and my) mantra!

I don’t think the childminder is anything to worry about. I’m sure he’s not the first and he won’t be the last parent who is frazzled in the morning!

Op I went to work full time when dcs were 3 and 7. I had to go away Monday to Friday for 18 weeks training and it was so tough. I felt guilty constantly and people were reporting back how DP dropped them off late. A school appointments were missed. They went to school without essentials etc. Turned up in uniform on days they could wear casual clothes and all sorts. Not only that but DP parents different to me. Rules changed and I felt almost like a stranger to my girls. However, this was a period of adjustment for us all and 6 years on, he is an amazing dad with a super strong relationship with our kids. I have my own place and role and we made it through. I can say I learned that I have to let go. I can't have it all ways so I had to trust DP. He still does things differently and he still drops them off late sometimes but honestly no harm comes. The eldest used to get quite upset about being late for school so I gently fed that back to DP. He blustered and denied it but things subtly changed. Eldest now walks to school herself and everyone is happier. Those young years are tough but hang in there. Be supportive but also let him make his own mistakes. He's an intelligent working man. He will learn at his own pace but you MUST let him make those mistakes. No more phoning with reminders, no molly coddling. The flip side to that is you accept things are different when you're not there.

We had exactly the same issue, it worked where I did less. No uniform no telling him, I have a timetable on the fridge of what they need that day. If he asked a question I would refer him to the timetable. It’s a year on and I’d say it’s really working but you do have to step back and let him learn the routine on his days.

As an au pair the kids I looked after were up at 7:30 and out the door by 8. They basically were conditioned to not mess around AT ALL in the morning. When I first arrived I thought it was a bit harsh but actually as time went on I realised it was best for everyone. Least possible stress and little risk of upset. It was literally:

7:30-40: get up and dressed
7:40 breakfast
7:55 teeth brushed and coats on

I wonder if your kids and DH might respond well to seeing it as a challenge/game as to how quickly they can be out the door.

I have to young children and can get them ready and out the door in 30 mins with ease. In sure most people do

Thanks all.
Next week will be the start of a new more laid back me when it comes to the mornings

I was sometimes a boarder at school, aged 11/12 the routine was:

Woken up with about 30 mins to get ready
Checked on to see we were brushing our teeth
Checked on to see we were progressing/almost dressed
Checked we were leaving

Later on they checked we had made beds. We were probably made to go back and make them later if we hadn't done it, in which case you didn't forget in future.

I bloody loved boarding as otherwise I literally failed to get school on time.