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Original poster

Pity party about lack of family and christmas

32 replies

Lucinda88 · 19/11/2019 16:02

I am feeling sorry for myself and just want a moan. Both DH and I have tiny families, but with 'issues'.

Dh's family are miles away, never visit us and make little effort. We see them twice a year because we bother to go there. Both of his parents are dead, which has just left his brother and SIL and 2 nephews.

I only have my mum, stepdad and sister and her husband and children. There are some long lost cousins, but I haven't seen them for years. I invited my mum, stepdad and sister and her family and none of them are coming. My sister wont come because her husband has refused (he's very difficult to get on with) and my mum wont come as her husband is a functioning alcoholic and he wants to stay at home drinking his own weight in vodka. My mum also likes a drink and won't consider driving. I offered her to stay but the truth is she and my step dad will want to be wasted and I suppose you cant really do that at someone else's house. I just feel a bit sad for my 2 DCs. Christmas is always a bit flat, like a normal Sunday with gifts as it lacks the full Christmas effect with just the 4 of us. Anyone else?

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 19/11/2019 16:13

We were a small nuclear family when I was growing up (relatives everywhere but the U.K.). My parents often invited friends or even acquaintances who might otherwise be alone to spend Christmas Day with us. Couldn’t you do the same? Christmas should be about generosity if nothing else. And it makes it more memorable for children if they have someone else to attend to beyond themselves.

(Full disclosure - I recently had a thread about the joys of spending Christmas alone as an adult. But I do think a family Christmas is improved by having guests.)

CallMeOnMyCell · 19/11/2019 16:15

Can you start a new tradition to make the day feel more special?

Fredy45 · 19/11/2019 16:22

My family had halved in 5 years due to various deaths so I get this. We aren't invited to dhs side just purely cos it wouldn't occur (we live a few hours away and I wouldn't leave mum).

We are changing our Christmas Day routine and food. My friend in similar circs is going away.

I was enormously pregnant one Christmas and refused to travel or cook so me and dh had a pj day with easy food. To be fair I was asleep by 8....

One year pre kids we had a party on Xmas eve and managed to get soo pissed we just sat and ate pringles the next day.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
Chottie · 19/11/2019 16:25

OP - how old are your DCs? Then MN can suggest some ideas for your Christmas Day.

BeyondMyWits · 19/11/2019 16:26

We have 2 kids, both teens now, and no other family left. Christmas still feels special. It is a state of mind that does not need other people.

We go to a carol service round the tree on the village green on Christmas eve night, then to church for Midnight mass, up in the morning, kids open presents, we make cinnamon swirls for breakfast, we all dig in with prepping lunch, watch a Christmas film whilst it is cooking - Arthur Christmas has been a favourite for a couple of years. Then eat, drink and be merry! And a brisk walk with the dog, saying Happy Christmas to all we meet - and if the weather is nice, that is usually quite a few.

Back home, hot chocolate, open the Christmas chocolate/cookies, play a board game, then snuggle down for a film together with leftovers and savoury nibbles before bed.

If your Christmas is not what you want it to be, do it differently.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/11/2019 16:26

I get what you mean but read a lot of the xmas threads on here and you'll realise you're not missing out after all. No pressure to spend time with people you dont really want to see etc.
Mix it up, do a quiz, go out for lunch/a walk . If money allows one year go away and get some winter sun?
Invite some friends over? We usually see family but I'd rather spend it the 4 of us.
Hope you have a good one. Smile

ScouseQueen · 19/11/2019 16:41

It is a state of mind that does not need other people.

Couldn't agree more. If you feel your size of family is enough, it is. (Plenty of us have only one DC, as well.) Plus I have to say, while all the family members you describe would constitute extra people in the room, they don't sound like they'd add joy and fun to your day. Do it without them!

Original poster
Lucinda88 · 19/11/2019 16:42

Thank you. The Dcs are 11 and 14. They dont know any different as we've only had one big family christmas.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/11/2019 16:49

For me it's not so much it's "just us" at Christmas it's more that it's just us all the time as extended family not interested and not prepared to make the effort. It kind of symbolises that you're unwanted.

That's my experience obviously you may not feel the same.

TheReluctantCountess · 19/11/2019 16:52

I feel the same. We are over 200 miles away from my parents and the in laws. We don’t have much to do with the in laws, and they are away for Christmas anyway. My parents live in a tiny flat, and we cannot afford a hotel to visit them. They cannot afford a hotel to visit us (and our house is tiny, too small to accommodate them and their needs). I feel so guilty that my parents will be alone, and I also feel some self pity because it’ll just be the three of us. It’s like an anti-climax.

BlueLadybird · 19/11/2019 17:34

Christmas isn’t about family as such, more spending time with people you like and doing things you enjoy.

Are there neighbours you could invite over for drinks on Xmas morning or games in the evening? Could you start an Xmas eve or Boxing Day tradition like brunch at your house and a walk or a visit to a pantomime? Just examples of course.

Daffodil101 · 19/11/2019 17:46

We have a similar issue and for me one of the problems is having to buy all the presents to make Christmas special. Other kids seem to have a multitude of presents to open from extended family and I find myself making up for this by buying many more presents from us, just to pad out the number of presents under the tree. Anyone else do this?

FavouriteSoul · 19/11/2019 18:00

I agree with pp, make some new traditions for just the 4 of you, to make Christmas special. To be honest, inviting a man who is difficult to get on with and a couple of very heavy drinkers round, isn't exactly the recipe for a happy family Christmas.

Start the day with a champagne breakfast for the adults, and do the present opening, then go for a walk/go to a church service, put dinner on, play some games that everyone can join in with, watch a good film in the evening. You don't need to have heaps of people to have a fantastic Christmas day.

There are too many adverts that show 14 people sitting round a table, all laughing and having fun - it's not like that for the majority of people.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 19/11/2019 18:09

To me, that sounds like lots of relatives, whether you see them or not.
As you said, your kids know no different, so makes no odds to them. As long as you have your own traditions then it will always feel like The Lucinda88's Family Christmas and that's what they will remember.

FWIW, I will be spending the day on my own as have no partner and xh has dc. I will still be celebrating, but my solo traditions tend toward the champagne and junk food type...

kikisparks · 19/11/2019 18:15

YANBU to feel how you do but you have your DH and your children. Some people truly have no family.

I’m very lucky to have my DH, my parents and sibling but 3 years of infertility has hit pretty hard and I’d love to have a DC to share Christmas with (not just that of course but it’s one time of year it really hits home!) However I’m grateful for what I have and feel for those who would love to share Christmas with someone and are truly on their own.

Original poster
Lucinda88 · 19/11/2019 18:37

@Daffodil101. Yes! We also buy more presents. DHS family have never bought the DCs anything, even though we send the nephews Christmas and birthday presents every year. HmmMy mum has very little money, so we often add her money into what we're buying. My sister buys something, but that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucinda88 · 19/11/2019 18:40

@kikisparks. You're right. I am lucky.

Pity party is over. Thank you all.

OP posts:
ssd · 19/11/2019 18:45

I feel the same op. Except you have more family than us. I also try to make up for the lack of presents from family by spending too much, I save all year for it. We are low earners so it isn't easy.

I just dream of a big family Xmas. Just once.

ssd · 19/11/2019 19:05

Agree Kiki is right.

user1494055864 · 19/11/2019 19:18

My children are high school age now, and it's only ever been the 4 of us at Christmas since they were born. Yes I have also over compensated for the lack of presents from anyone else, and had to buy it all. It does hurt that they don't get anything from family, who are either estranged, dead, or couldn't care less. Most of the time I am glad I get to do Christmas my way, but I know what you mean about it being a bit flat, so we normally have some type of outing, to take the flatness away. Last Christmas Eve, we went to Harry Potter studios, which was great. This year we are going to the circus. We also have a tradition of going out in the evening to look at the Christmas lights on everybody's houses!

Ohffs66 · 19/11/2019 19:35

Just me and DH here. For various reasons neither of us have spent Xmas with our parents or siblings in years and unlikely it will start now. It does make us both a bit sad but we know full well even if we did invite everyone to ours to try and make a big family Christmas it wouldn't be anything like the sort of thing you imagine because of the personalities and dynamics involved, we'd both end up losing our marbles. I would imagine some people would decline anyway. And we can't get a different family! So we just do the things we want to do, and enjoy our time together free of work and routine. We still dress up, make a big thing of Christmas eve and Christmas day dinner etc. I really do think it's about trying to accept what you have and not thinking about what you don't have, otherwise we'd both find it totally depressing!

ssd · 19/11/2019 19:48

Both my ds's have girlfriends now with big families. With big xmas's. I can't compete and feel crap. I can't knit a family.

RainfallfromAnotherPlanet · 19/11/2019 20:00

OP is lucky to have her DC but she's entitled to feel sad that her mum prioritises alcohol over her daughter and grandkids. Just remind yourself, OP, that you won't ever do that to your girls.

They're old enough for you to have a brainstorming session on how they'd love to spend Xmas. We decorate the house early in December but leave the tree til Xmas Eve when we go to the cinema, pick up a pizza on the way home and decorate the tree - it makes it more special for us.

Last Xmas Day we decided to go to the beach! It's a 2 hour drive but we packed a "gourmet" picnic (thank you M&S) and set off in the car, tunelessly singing carols and listening to an audio book of Xmas ghost stories. Big family Xmases are overrated IMHO but a small family like yours - and mine - can choose to do Xmas as we please.

Original poster
Lucinda88 · 19/11/2019 20:03

Ooh. I love the idea of Christmas ghost stories and the beach. Smile

OP posts:
Daphnesmate · 19/11/2019 20:08

I am watching this thread with interest. Christmas as a child used to involve extended family, now me and dh have virtually no extended family but we do have our dcs. I think this time of year does bring it home to you if there is something that you want but it just wont happen (in my case a completely dysfunctional extended family for others it might be fertility issues etc.) and I completely get the over buying gifts thing. I am interested to know what everyone's traditions are Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day/New Years Eve/New Years Day etc.