What character traits do you need to be a good mother?

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I am not a journalist or a troll. I am a philosopher trying to think about what virtues (good character traits) you need to be a good mother (I have good reasons for focusing on mothers rather than parents - I can tell you all about it if you are interested). There is almost no literature at all on this so I would appreciate your ideas.

Here is one example: there is a special kind of patience required to be a good mother. A substantial amount of mothering is repetitive, monotonous, boring and not particularly challenging but it is necessary. Partly because DCs need warmth, food, cleanliness, etc. in order to be in a good emotional state to learn and develop, and partly because adults don't just pop up with a fully formed sense of kindness and justice, it all starts when you stop your toddler, for the three billionth time, from hitting other children because he doesn't want to share. So mothering requires a special kind of patience, adjusted to the age of the child, e.g. the patience required to deal with a tantruming toddler is quite different from that required to deal with a petulant adolescent.

So what other character traits have you found to be useful in mothering, assuming you are aiming to create conditions to help your child develop into a good person (virtuous person if you like Aristotelian terminology which is where all of this is coming from)?

The ability to function on very little sleep for extended periods.
Good emotional intelligence
A good sense of humour
Tenacity and perseverance
As you say patience
And above all ... a bloody good washing machine

Empathy to understand your child's needs

Patience and empathy

If you have a good maternal bond the rest will generally follow.

Can we have a thread on character traits of a good father please? because that's often the thing that undermines good mothering. It doesn't matter how patient or loving or self sacrificing you are as a mother, if your so-called partner or ex partner represents the opposite of any of those qualities you're going to have an uphill struggle just holding it together for your kids.

In the countries where people have the most social awareness, and teens have the best behaviour and highest attainment, mums are often impatient. Tantrumning toddlers are not tolerated, and children are expected from an early age to fit in with society (eg potty trained by 1-1.5 years).

So I guess the qualities that make you a good mother depend on the society. Mums of kids in countries / societies where it’s difficult to get a job or where gang violence is high need to rule with an iron fist to ensure their kids succeed / survive

Yes empathy. Seeing things from your child's point of view and putting them first gets you through the boring/challenging bits e.g. last thing I want to do today is go to the park but DD wants to and it will be good exercise for her, I am so tired getting up in the night but I know DS's teeth are hurting and he doesn't understand poor thing.

I'd also say you ideally need a good partner so you can tag team in and out as needed, being able to recognise when the other has reached their limit and be quick to step in.

Which countries in particular are you referring to there @grumpyhoonmain ?

That is really interesting Grumpy, I would like to read more about that. I feel that I can be quite impatient at times so it's helpful to read a balanced view.

Patience is definitely number 1.

I'd also say the ability to step back and get perspective. It can be very intense and feel like every little thing is absolutely vital / a huge mountain to climb, etc. But you need to step back and realise that
a) this too shall pass
b) not every little thing that you do wrong /that your child struggles with/whatever means that their life is fucked up.

8 arms
Built in wipe dispenser
Impermeable soles on your feet
A taste for cold tea
Resting “I’m listening keenly to your very long story” face.

Can we have a thread on character traits of a good father please? would the list be any different?

I'd say
SENSE OF HUMOUR. lots of parenting is ridiculous and crazy, laughing is more productive than crying. Kids are crazy funny sweet, thry def need laughing at. Sometimes you're crazy, laughing at yourself helps. Works for both parents.

PATIENCE. The monotony of teaching a new skill, answering BUT WHY??, or insisting her bf can't stay over and she can't stay out til midnight, of reinforcing we don't hit / lick the puppy etc requires patience. From both parents if both are good, involved parents.

ABITY TO FUNCTION WHEN UNDER PHYSICAL OPTIMUM. You can't book a day off if you're ill, although with two good parents you can share and balance. However if you alll have flu, both parents should pitch in.

Emotional intelligence, empathy, ability to enforce boundaries etc. Surely both equally good, involved, engaged parents require the same basic skills

I think these should be for both parents.
Patience, ability to listen to your child. Teach them good behaviours and have zero tolerance for bad. Some of the wishy washy parenting has created little monsters who struggle to function properly in our rule driven society.
Home should be a good space for children to feel loved and a safe.

It would depend on the society as to whether being impatient / a tyrant works better. But I was thinking mostly about Asian societies and the ‘immigrant / refugee mindset’ in my first paragraph.

For example India / China - huge populations, huge levels of unemployment even amongst talented graduates, huge levels of drugs available if you know where to look, no real welfare system ; mums need to be tough on their kids otherwise they wouldn’t succeed.

I grew up in a poor family with parents who were refugees and their mindset was not to trust the government to take care of you - you need to take care of yourself and were pretty brutal about it. There was no soft approach to parenting - we had to succeed and were often herded to do so fairly strictly. This ensures we escaped the cycle of poverty. In areas with high gang violence too this often results in mums needing to be tyrants at times to ensure their kids stay on the straight and narrow - especially with boys.

Good judgement in the choice of father: a poor choice contributes significantly to problems for the child

Sense of fun - seeing things from a child's point of view and doing daft, funny things with them.
Patience - oodles and oodles of it
Empathy

Thank you, great stuff, keep it coming.

Yes, I think the conditions under which one decides to become a parent are crucial (and I am only thinking of conditions of choice, not women who become pregnant through a mistake, accident or rape), and should include an assessment of whether one can be a parent, i.e. in terms of partner/family support, economic stability, mental and physical suitability, etc.

How these virtues are practiced and what they mean will vary from individual to individual and circumstance to circumstance. THere are some wonderfully insightful accounts of what it is to parent a child in a black family in communities that are fundamentally racist and present a danger to the child. However, given that I am writing just one, philosophical paper, I can get away without necessarily talking about specifics. I can say specific will vary, I can give a couple of exaples, but I don't need to give an answer to every parenting question.

Sense of humour, empathy, being able to be selfless when needed. Ability to realise shit happens and not everything is about you.

The reason I talk about mothering rather than parenting virtues is this:

There is a long history of claiming that women are, by nature, different to men and, usually, incapable of the great things men can do. So Aristotle thought that women, who cannot produce sperm, are incapable of virtue, at most the exhibit assistance virtues to the men.

Modern versions of this argument persist, e.g. men have testosterone and are risk taking go getters, women lack testosterone and are best suited to nurturing and caring. E

I don't agree with any of that. I think women are naturally as capable as men in everything but they are socialized in ways that create massive divides (I love Cordelia Fine). However, I want to talk about mothering because

1. culturally mothers rather than fathers tend to parent
2. the work mothers do is considered inferior to the work fathers do

So mothering is a deliberate attempt to acknowledge and celebrate the role of women in parenting.

Philosophy must have changed since my day - it used to be a bit different than writing books in a lazy way via vox pops with randoms on the internet! Think for yourself or at least engage us in some socratic dialogue OP.

Patience,confidence and discipline

Resiliance. Patience. Empathy. Ability to listen and observe.

And crucially, flexibility and adaptability so you can effectively parent the child you have, not the child you wanted, expected or thought you would have.

RuffleCrow I've been a philosopher since 1991 and engaging with others has always been part of philosophy (you do know that a Socratic dialogue requires at least two people, don't you?). This is the kind of question I would ask my students and colleagues, but as I am stuck at home looking after the children that is not an option. Luckily there are many intelligent and kind people on MN who are willing to chat about this, so if that kind of behaviour is beyond you feel free to ignore this thread.

Creative, organised, sense of humour, resilient, empathic, patient, calm, loving, affectionate --- the list could be endless

My mothering is pretty good. What makes it pretty good though might vary massively from a pretty good mother next door though, as my strengths overall make up for my flaws, and her strengths and flaws are different?

For me, as a mother I am good at.....

Physical touch and affection. My bond with my kids is very very physical, sometimes I feel like a mummy monkey.
Verbal praise.
I’m a good cook.
I spend a lot of time thinking about their needs in the round and how to meet them.
Exposing them to new experiences and things very regularly, and boosting their confidence.
Providing a calm and organised home.

Flaws
I have a temper and sometimes shout too much and say horrible things.
Getting frustrated.
I hate playing with them in an unstructured way
I perhaps over schedule them.

The patience of a saint . Also empathy, a kind heart, selflessness and stability.