What character traits do you need to be a good mother?

[Booboostwo]

I am not a journalist or a troll. I am a philosopher trying to think about what virtues (good character traits) you need to be a good mother (I have good reasons for focusing on mothers rather than parents - I can tell you all about it if you are interested). There is almost no literature at all on this so I would appreciate your ideas.

Here is one example: there is a special kind of patience required to be a good mother. A substantial amount of mothering is repetitive, monotonous, boring and not particularly challenging but it is necessary. Partly because DCs need warmth, food, cleanliness, etc. in order to be in a good emotional state to learn and develop, and partly because adults don't just pop up with a fully formed sense of kindness and justice, it all starts when you stop your toddler, for the three billionth time, from hitting other children because he doesn't want to share. So mothering requires a special kind of patience, adjusted to the age of the child, e.g. the patience required to deal with a tantruming toddler is quite different from that required to deal with a petulant adolescent.

So what other character traits have you found to be useful in mothering, assuming you are aiming to create conditions to help your child develop into a good person (virtuous person if you like Aristotelian terminology which is where all of this is coming from)?

No one ever died of an overdose of cuddles

This was advice given to me by the midwife who discharged me from hospital when I had my ds, he is cuddled and shown true affection every day of his life.
Think that's the best parenting from both mum and dad, not just one parent doing that.

I think that rather querying what makes a 'good mother', the focus should be on 'what children need'. Personally, I feel the most important thing, after all the basics such as food, shelter, love etc are covered, is emotional validation. Not all parents know how to provide this.

Oooh I used to teach philosophy and ethics (but only secondary) and rather liked aspects of virtue ethics/what does a flourishing life look like etc.

To my shame I taught in a girl's school and didn't realise he didn't think women could be virtuous

I'm genuinely really interested in your research.

I'd question whether there is one "ideal" mother. There's different combinations that surely would work. So one might prize rationality and structure and another comparison and flexibility for example.

Compassion...

Being loving, having patience and the ability to say no/set boundaries. I think those are the qualities needed to be a parent. I don't know about mother specifically.

Of the things I said the hardest for me is patience, especially when I have pms. But I'm a human and I think it's good for DD to know I can get things wrong too. If I lose my temper at her I'll say sorry.

Intelligence
Discipline
Sense of humour
Organisation
Patience
Not necessarily in that order

Interesting that so many have stated Selflessness is an ideal characteristic. I actually think the opposite, I think that retaining a strong sense of self and maintaining hobbies/friendships/work out side of the home etc makes mums happier, and therefore better mothers.

Putting your children first

But surely one can't generalise about this. There are many different traits, characteristics, strengths, weaknesses and so on. People are individuals and bring different things to parenting.
Winncott's notion of the 'good enough' mother comes to mind here

As a parent I think one of the most useful attributes is not to have lost touch with your own inner child. We have all been children ourselves and if we draw on that experience we can do a much better job of understanding our children, empathising with them...........
......and anticipating what mayem the little fuckers are going to get up to next, often before they've fully decided themselves.

1. A lot of what I thought of had already been said. But I think you definitely have to lower your standards eg of tidiness. I haven’t got particularly high standards when it comes to a clean house, although we’re not complete slobs, but general mess drives me mad!
2. The ability to carry on for your child when everything else is falling apart. I went through some absolutely shit times a few years back & how I even got out of bed some days I don’t know but I found reserves of strength that astonished me.
3. Take multi tasking to a whole new level!
4. Try really hard not to argue with your kids
5. Don’t beat yourself up if they have chips every night for a week
6. Trust your instincts
7. And if you’re going to adopt, get rid of the idea that you can’t love a child as much if they’re not biologically yours. DD10 was adopted as a baby & we couldn’t love her any more than we do.

Empathy first and foremost
Patience
Humour

Consistency, fairness, empathy, love, a sense of humour and fun, flexibility, not lazy, inclusive.

Oh, and perspective!

As well as some already mentioned, being dependable with reliability and availability. I don't mean you can't be scatter brained and work long hours, but children of all ages need to know they can depend on you and you'll be there for them when they need you. To know that you're the one that will know what to do and make it better/ support them through it. Whether that's a toddler with a grazed knee, a teen in trouble, or a 30yr old with pnd.

Yes exactly. I don't think that a good parent does put the child first all the time. In fact, that is likely to lead to both burnout and also a tyrannical child who believes the world revolves around them, because in their experience it does.

It's more about balancing needs and assessing whose are most urgent. Often, naturally, the children will be the top of the pile, but I don't think it should automatically be the case.

To understand the effect your own parents parenting had on you.
I didnt.

Not that i have made a total mess of it but i was unaware i was quite avoidant myself, doubted my self, had little sense of myself and if i even recognised that, i didnt know why.

A first draft of the paper is finished. If anyone fancies reading it PM me.