What character traits do you need to be a good mother?

[Booboostwo]

I am not a journalist or a troll. I am a philosopher trying to think about what virtues (good character traits) you need to be a good mother (I have good reasons for focusing on mothers rather than parents - I can tell you all about it if you are interested). There is almost no literature at all on this so I would appreciate your ideas.

Here is one example: there is a special kind of patience required to be a good mother. A substantial amount of mothering is repetitive, monotonous, boring and not particularly challenging but it is necessary. Partly because DCs need warmth, food, cleanliness, etc. in order to be in a good emotional state to learn and develop, and partly because adults don't just pop up with a fully formed sense of kindness and justice, it all starts when you stop your toddler, for the three billionth time, from hitting other children because he doesn't want to share. So mothering requires a special kind of patience, adjusted to the age of the child, e.g. the patience required to deal with a tantruming toddler is quite different from that required to deal with a petulant adolescent.

So what other character traits have you found to be useful in mothering, assuming you are aiming to create conditions to help your child develop into a good person (virtuous person if you like Aristotelian terminology which is where all of this is coming from)?

Boundaries, yet a degree of flexibility to compromise with the child you have (not your fantasy child ) and to allow them to feel validated. Siblings may need slightly different approaches, but they still need to feel fair outcomes even if methods of achiving them differ.

Perspective. What matters in the big picture. Don't be too idealistic, your baby/ child hasn't read the manual

Unconditional love. Love the child and make sure they know it even if their deeds may have gone awry.

One day your child will be an adult, and childhood needs to prepare children with the skills and confidence to be a functional adult. Children need to make safe errors and be stretched. Repressing, controlling and babying them may look protective and loving when they are young but can be very damaging long-term.

Good parenting values apply to both mothers and fathers. The balance of who provides what can be flexible as long as parents support eachother.

Calmness
Adaptability
Perseverance
Intuition
Empathy
Kindness
Understanding
Time - to give unconditionally to someone else
Unwavering supporter
Sense of humour and fun
The ability to see the bigger picture
Unconditional love
Confidence
A knowledge of fronted adverbials

@GrumpyHoonMain but what if the situation - lots of people taking drugs, no welfare system - is due in part to those citizens NOT getting their emotional needs met when they were children? To create a welfare system you need empathy and a certain level of selflessness in order to care for others even if it doesn't benefit you personally. People who have empathy tend to have been raised with it. And emotionally healthy people tend not to take a lot of drugs.

The ability to prioritise some else's wants and needs over your own.

Understanding the importance of, and committing to, teaching your children valuable life lessons and skills. In giving them chores, pocket money to manage etc.

Having the capacity to love, and make a child feel loved.

There are lots of other attributes than contribute to being a good mother or parent, but I think these are three essential building blocks to being a good parent and giving your child a safe and secure start in life.

I like that people are also mentioning flaws/vices. I also think that being self-aware with respect to one's flaws and willing to acknowledge that one has flaws contributes to being a good mother.

flapjackfairy I'm a really bad mother.

@Philomena
Why ? Has your washing machine conked?
I am sure you are not a bad mother at all. We are all putting our lists of required attributes . I am not claiming to possess them all by any means. I am a work in progress for sure and some days I do better than others. I am sure it is the same for all of us.

You are being counter productive to your aims in focusing on mothering. If you want to argue against claims that women are suited to parenting more than men then you need to find the attributes of an ideal parent and empirically shows which sex (if either) possesses more. If you want to celebrate the contributions made by unpaid carers then it’s shitty of you to exclude the male ones.

In regards to quality necessary for an ideal parent they are no different to an ideal person, parenting is just an aspect of adult life where you model good behaviour for your children. Good parents result in good children. The virtues which an ideal person would have imo are:
Rationality
Objectivity
Integrity
Patience
Self control
Compassion
Emotional Independence
Resilience

All these virtues combine to form something like grace. Where you see yourself and the world as it really is and act accordingly. They lead to behaviours such as kindness, mildness (not flying into rages etc), forgiveness, consideration, acceptance of difficult events, strength of character etc.

sense of humour
kindness
sense of the ridiculous
understanding that your child is a completely separate human being and not in any way a reflection or part of you.

same for fathers.

Velveteenfruitbowl I am not arguing against essentialist claims, I don't need to, empirical scientists have done a good enough job of that. All I need to do is reference them. I don't do any kind of empirical research. My work is theoretical. Given that the virtues are human excellences in accordance with reasons, which ones are relevant in raising children? The terminology then is a matter of celebrating and publicizing mothering, in the same way that I would use 'she' rather than 'he' when writing.

@flapjackfairy all I have is the washing machine (although it could be bigger)!

You'd have to define what 'good mother' meant first. How do you measure 'good'?

Happiness?
High academic achievers?

Politeness?

Healthy?
All of the above?

Reflective practice
Kindness
Empathy
Patience

Patience and self control. Calm nature and empathy.

Patience
Kindness
Empathy
Time for them
Self control
A good sense of perspective-pick your battles
Sense of humour

I think a motherhood flaw is martyrdom / heaping too much on oneself and not accepting help

Selflessness
Warmth
Patience

Humility. The ability to recognise when you get it wrong and admit that by apologising and making amends.

This is something that was severely lacking from both my parents who got A LOT of stuff wrong and the one thing I am resentful of is that they NEVER apologised, even for the truly awful stuff.

Patience, empathy and at times nerves of steel.

Two things my parents said really stuck with me. You can always come home and I trust you to make your own decisions.

Empathy
Patience
Kindness
Fairness

A robust liver.

Anybodywantachip good question. From an Aristotelian perspective the ultimate good is a flourishing life. A flourishing life is a life where one exercises the virtues, the highest excellences in accordance with reason. Different virtues are relevant in different contexts depending on the particulars of the situation one is faced with, so I am interested in which virtues are of relevance to child rearing.

I am glad humility popped up, it’s a really interesting concept.

I don't think everyone will agree with this but IME it's putting your kids first, even before your partner, standing firm even when you've got pressures from others about agreeing to something that won't be in your children's best interests.

Reflection on parenting.
To constantly adapt to the new phases of a child's life.
To have the will power to say no because you know it is the right thing to do when you just want to give in to make them happy in the short term.
I think patience is something you learn and develop.
Be willing to be honest and explain why you have to make the decisions you do.

See, I don't actually think it's helpful to talk about what virtues are required to be a mother. I think that just serves to make people feel shit or that they will never be a good mother. I don't think there is any one thing which is crucial- plenty of things that are helpful, but none which are necessary. I don't think I have "a special kind of patience" and I don't agree this is required.

I am possibly not being philosophical enough.

Hmm. Perhaps some level of empathy is necessary? The definition to me of a not-good mother is somebody who neglects to care for their child - empathy would make this quite difficult, as you can't really look at a child who is hungry or cold or unhappy or so on without feeling a strong need to fix it, if you have empathy. And likewise a not-good mother is one who is cruel. I don't think empathetic people have it in them to be cruel - cruelty is causing emotional/physical pain on purpose, which would be very difficult for an empathetic person to do.