Do you stop at traffic lights?

[Blackredblack]

This morning I was out with dh. We stopped at the traffic lights. The road was pretty dead so one car each either side of the lights. Everybody else crossed the road while lights were still red. I started to feel really, really anxious and just desperately wanted to cross but my dh held me back. He’s reasoning being there were lots of children around and by crossing while lights were red I’d be setting a terrible example.

I do have PTSD and severe anxiety so I can’t go outside alone but even with support I massively struggle with traffic lights. I hate standing there, especially if I can see other people crossing.

Dh thinks my reaction is extreme and ds agrees with him!

Do other people wait for lights to change to green or do you cross if you safely can?

You write very well. I cross when am on my own but when I am with my kids I always wait for the green man even if there are no cars and it’s safe to cross the road. I am teaching my kids to always wait for the green man to cross so don’t want to confuse them.

Due to my PTSD I don’t like people looking at me and rather bizarrely I feel if it’s safe to cross and I don’t then the people in the car will be staring and wondering what an idiot I am for just standing there.

I get exactly the same feeling, so you’re probably not particularly unusual or bizarre. Just overly anxious and self-conscious like me. In situations like this I ask myself ‘have I ever watched someone standing at the traffic lights and thought they were weird for not crossing?’ If the answer’s ‘no’ it reminds me that I’m actually not a very special or interesting person and that 99% of passers by will have barely noticed me.

My kids are older so we go when it's obviously safe.

If there are kids around I wait for it turn green to set an example!

I agree with him. If there are children around and they see you cross on a red light they might take the chance again and not be lucky. I do work with kids so maybe this is why.

Somebody I work with was seriously injured right outside where we work because the green man came on and she crossed the road. Unfortunately, the next driver wasn't paying attention, hadn't seen the red light and hit her. Always think of her when I hear people saying 'wait for the green man' without adding anything about making sure the cars have actually stopped. I cross when I can see it's safe to cross regardless of whether the man is red or green.

I was ran over when crossing a road so I always wait for the green man. Tbf, most of the roads I cross are either in the town centre or on blind bends. There is also a road next to my work which had the highest rate of pedestrian traffic accidents in the whole city so I tend to err on the side of caution

OP, I assume it’s due to your anxiety problem, but you are worrying far too much about what other people think of you.
They’re just waiting to cross the road, the same as you. Some of them will cross on red, some will wait for the green man. They’re really not observing you with a clipboard, ready to mark you out of ten on your road crossing skills!
They will barely clock you as an object at the kerb, just to make sure they don’t bump into you. Five minutes down the road, they’d be unable to even describe what you look like.
Cast your mind back to the last few roads you crossed this week. Can you recall anything much about the other pedestrians or drivers there? Well, nor can they!
Try to focus on just living your life the way you want. If you prefer to wait for the green man, or dance the tango in the traffic, or anything in between, that’s entirely up to you! It matters not a jot what anyone else thinks or does in those circumstances. Trust your own judgment.

I stopped at a green light the other day it wasnt my finest hour

You write absolutely fine, I understand you perfectly. I dont have anxiety or PTSD but I still sometimes feel like you do in certain situations. Like when I'm driving I feel like people will judge me if I've got my windscreen wipers on too fast, like they're the cool kids managing to drive with the lower speed setting.

And when I'm crossing at a pedestrian crossing I'm thinking should I wave thanks they'll think I'm rude if I dont, but also if I wave thanks they'll think I'm a weirdo. When in reality I know when I'm the driver I'm not even looking a the crossing pedestrian other than - I like that bag/wonder what that private reg means/what will I have for dinner/oh no is that rain...

These thoughts don't upset me though, I just roll my eyes at myself and get on with my day but that's because I'm not living with what you are. So I think the thoughts are very common, I've even seen memes about the windscreen wiper one. I know you can't not berate yourself, but please know that you are not the only one having these thoughts.

I don’t like people looking at me and rather bizarrely I feel if it’s safe to cross and I don’t then the people in the car will be staring and wondering what an idiot I am for just standing there

I also feel this BUT I would feel more of an idiot it I started crossing and was beeped or had to leap back onto the pavement because the traffic started.

I always wait til it's green. I'm visually impaired with reduced peripheral vision. I also hate uncontrolled crossings for this reason.

Thank you for your replies. *SpinySue And *TooMuch87 your replies have made me feel a tad better, thank you.

I know I need to get out of this mentality. I’m definitely self conscious but your right I shouldn’t care what people I don’t know say!

It’s just so hard to stand still, I really do feel idiotic.
And obviously I fully agree adults should set an example for children but when I get that anxious I do stupid things. I really would have crossed had dh not been there.

I once crossed on the red man and my 3 year old has never let me forget it! I agree it can feel really uncomfortable when everyone else is crossing though..

OP, the drivers will not be staring at you with the view of analysing or criticising your looks or process of thought, they would look at a ‘person’ who might or might not get in the middle of the road and approach with caution. They wouldn’t think ‘look at that idiot, are they crossing or not’, they’d think ‘there’s a person considering crossing the road, I should be careful’. Sadly, there is the odd driver who simply doesn’t see the lights so I always double check they stop before crossing.
I very rarely cross on red light. And wouldn’t if there were children around.
Your DH was right.
Maybe you felt pressure to copy what others were doing given your anxiety situation. It must be very hard, but try not to copy others if they don’t follow the rules, although it gives a sense of belonging, it can be very wrong and sometimes unsafe.
You are absolutely amazing to have self thought yourself after primary school, and your posts are crystal clear.
If you do not drive, Would it help if you read the Highway Code so you get an insight into the perspective of the driver?
I hope you will start feeling better and slowly build up your confidence.

Kind of agree with you DP, if there's only adults it's ok to cross when safe, but with kids about I always wait for the green man.

Your writing is completely clear and I understand exactly what you mean!
I will cross if it’s clear but it depends. A fast road? One with a bend I can’t see round? I need to be certain I can absolutely safely cross or I won’t bother.
You do what you prefer and makes you less uncomfortable.
And I agree anyone looking as they drive past is only checking you’re not about to dash into the road. It’s not personal.

Wait if there's children

If it's a crossing where I've pressed a button I will always wait for the green man, even if the road becomes clear before he appears, it feels rude to walk across and then cars stop for nothing. Although I hate it when you press the button because it's busy then when the green man comes up you stop one car! If someone else has pressed it I might cross before the green man unless children are waiting don't want to set a bad example.

Please don't ever cross until you get the green light.
Years ago, I was waiting with my boy at one such crossing with its lights at red, and someone decided to walk across as the road seemed empty.
A car came racing from nowhere and hit this person, badly injuring them. We saw everything.
I believe they were eventually ok thank goodness, but the resulting trauma to my little one was horrendous.

Would it help to make a rule for yourself (and dh) if the road is clear and it’s safe to cross and there are no children waiting then if it’s clear then cross without the green man, if you see other people with their children obviously waiting, then wait too.

Bear in mind that the parents with children will be silently thanking you for helping them set a good example.

**Branster thank you. It took many years of reading anything and everything to get to this point!

I don’t drive so will definitely look through the Highway Code. Your replies have made me feel so much better. I honestly thought I would get a bolloking but you’re all lovely so thank you for not kicking me when I’m already struggling. Mumsnet can be scary at times!

I cross when I feel it's safe to do so and I'm cautious about it. It's not my job to set a "good example" for other people's kids though, so I will continue to cross according to my judgement.

justgivemewine I think Dh would have been fine with crossing if there hadn’t been kids around.
But for next time I’m going to really try to stand there like a responsible adult!