Ex husband and new kitchen

[donotknowhownottomind]

Ex moved out 19 months ago and we have been divorced for almost a year.

It was a horrible divorce - I divorced him due to emotional abuse mainly - and he does not speak to me at all. Any logistical message which I have to send him is never responded to - ever. Though he does read them and sometimes do what is suggested.

One of the worst things about our marriage was the fact that he would regularly subject me to very long silent treatments - we are talking weeks and weeks. It’s hardly surprising that having had the temerity to divorce him I am now dead to him 🙄.

The settlement meant that I got the family home and he got smaller assets, which put together roughly equalled the value of the house. He could have sold these and got somewhere suitable for him and the kids when they were with him, but instead he has been building a new property for him to live in for the past I don’t know how long, and living in another of his assets which is not suitable for the dc (teenagers).

So he has been coming to mine when the dc are home from school and cooking for them - while I am still at work. We never cross paths. The last time we came face to face was in February.

This has been ok but I have recently told him (by unanswered email) that it has to stop when he finishes his house - because I can see a situation where he either never finishes the house, or the dc don’t want to budge and he is still coming to mine months down the line.

The issue now is that after months of saving and planning and buying units and organising it all, and emptying the old one, I am having a new kitchen installed, to replace our very old and manky one.

Aibu not to want ex, who ignores me completely, to be using it when it is finished? Not always but he sometimes leaves a mess, I know he bangs pots and pans around but now we have a fragile induction hob, and he used to sometimes cut straight on to our wooden worktop () when we were together, but he better bloody not do that to the new ones being installed!

As is normal, all the effort has been made by me (am painting it as well), but he might even get to use it before I do - it will be ready to use on Tuesday afternoon.

Aibu to just want ex to go away and to claim what is now my space? Am I being petty?

Forgot to add that he very obviously got together with someone while we were forced to live in the same house for months during the divorce. It was extremely painful for me. I don’t know if they are still together, but he obviously moved on at the speed of light. Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen which he essentially won’t give a shit about?

[MollyButton]

You need to put on your big girl pants.

1. change the locks
   
2. tell your DC their father is not allowed in the house
   
3. store his furniture in a garage or out building for him to collect if at all possible. If not give him a deadline in writing and if not collected then you will dispose of: "eBay", charity collection or freecycle.
   
4. arrange babysitters to be there to keep him out. (I would happily sit in your kitchen for a couple of hours just to not let him in. Maybe a local student would appreciate a warm house to work in?)

[AnnaNimmity]

He sounds very like my exH OP. Exactly I think. Mine does it all. You need to do the following:

1. Write an email to ex saying he's no longer allowed in the house. Don't engage with him. Set up an email account that is just for this. Don't engage with him in any other way. Don't feel guilty. he's just abusing and manipulating you.
2. tell ex that it's his responsibility to see the kids out of the house. You won't get involved (they're teenagers you don't need to). Thereafter stay out of it. Don't be surprised if they never see him. That's not your fault.
3. Tell kids he's not allowed in the house - I did this. It's fine. It's your space. they can all respect it.
4. Go to CMS to sort out maintenance
5. Go to counselling - learn about abuse and how to have effective boundaries.

He'll carry on trying to manipulate. Stay strong.

[RandomMess]

He is a thoroughly nasty and abusive man and that is not because of anything you have done it is who he is.

As well banning him from your house it's time to ban his furniture. Ask a solicitor how to legally do this - what notice to give him etc.

You can explain to the DC that you are not married anymore and you need to stop his abuse of you so he cannot come in and you hope that they understand his awful and unacceptable his behaviour towards you and your home is.

Also tell them he has stopped maintenance without notice which unfortunately punishes all of you and then the belts are tightening now today

They are old enough to go through the budget together and help work out where and how to save money.

I would also say that you not have a man who has done this in your home ever again.

Let go of him ever being reasonable because abusing you is more important to him than having a relationship with the DC.

[timeisnotaline]

Nothing you can do willmake him nice or get you an amicable parenting relationship as he is a manipulative abusive twat. You really need to confront that. It should be freeing, as it also means you too should be able to do what you like.
What is stopping you from trying to sell his stuff? After all, he’s not paying maintenance so he owes you. Every single week he owes you more. A good dad would happily hand over the money, it’s yours to pay for the children.
Or, what about sitting the children down and explaining, objectively, ex isn’t paying maintenance so we need to budget a bit. I’ll need your help. What can we cut out? They seem old enough to be involved in this discussion, or most of them.
Who gives a fuck if your ex goes mental? Call the police if he yells at you.

Please please get a lock on your kitchen door. It’s your kitchen. They are your pans.

Ignore people upsetting you with triggering comments. It’s your thread. I do hope thought that even though you say you’ve come so far, you can reread this in a couple of years and think holy cow those days feel like another planet!! I have real boundaries! I can keep him out of my life because it’s my life not his and he parents in his own bloody life! Go me!

[MsNobodyHere]

Of course you can tell your DCs he is NOT coming in. They are extremely disrespectful themselves in ignoring your wishes and carrying this on. By letting your ex do what he does is just teaching your DCs to be exactly like him. Imagine them treating a partner like you are being treated and take some firmer action to prevent this from happening!!

[PippiDeLena]

With ex, there have been times that my dc are off school sick. I haven’t been able to take time off work but being self-employed he has been able to pop in on them. While I don’t want him cooking in the afternoons any more and taking over in that way, I couldn’t tell my ill dc that their Dad cannot come to see how they are while I am at work. Or tell him that he couldn’t look in on his child. For example.

I understand that you feel you've really made progress in setting boundaries, but this is a massive hole in your boundary fence. Of course you can tell your ex that he can't go into your house to visit your sick teenagers. They are old enough to take care of themselves, and your ex is hardly going to sit by their bedside, holding their hand for hours and staring into their faces (would anybody sick even want that?). He could Face time them if he wanted to see how they are, he could hand over hot food / lucozade on the doorstep, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he would need to enter your house. The only reason would be because he wants to stomp all over your privacy, it's definitely not for the children's benefit.

My parents were divorced when I was a child. My father sounds very like your exH (silent treatment, passive aggressiveness) but he NEVER entered my mums house; why would he? They were divorced. All communication between them was done at the doorstep until we were teenagers and able to make our own visiting arrangements. This was all mutually understood, both sides were happy with it and lived their separate lives. You don't need to live enmeshed with your exH. The house is your private space, and he doesn't respect that because he doesn't respect you.

[ysmaem]

Talk to your DC's first, forewarn them. Then tell your husband to stop entering your house. You dont give him permission. I assume his name is no longer on the deeds to the house? Suggest that he use someone else's house to cook.

[Wallywobbles]

Honestly do you not imagine that many of us have been where you are to varying degrees. My ex has lost parental responsibility he is such a cunt. He took me to court 5 times.

I was single for 6 years after my divorce. I thought I'd never have another relationship.

And I worked with him so every day I had to steel myself constantly. The freedom program was such an eye opener for me. I did it online as I live in France.

So while you have found me unkind I'm talking from experience as will almost all the people who have replied with passion.

Tell me. What are your boundaries really? What do you think should they be? What lessons are your children learning? Let that be the guiding principle in your choices.

You are not responsible for his parenting choices. And you are doing favors for him alone by softening the blows for your kids. He is currently the only person who is benefiting from your choices.

[Jog22]

You say he isn't living somewhere that is suitable for the children (teenagers). Do you mean unsuitable as in a tiny caravan or a house share with drug users? Either way he's probably quite content with that and is in no hurry to finish building a house when he can do his parenting in his old one and continue the single life on his own.

Are you still prepared for him to be coming round in a years time? If you get a new partner can you envisage them having a cosy cup of tea together of an afternoon?

[donotknowhownottomind]

Thanks for all the messages.

The CM has appeared in my account this morning, so I guess ex must have read the email and thought twice about stopping it. Unless it didn't come through on Friday for another reason, but I don't see what that would have been as it was a standing order. He also could have answered the text which I sent him first thing on Friday morning, but of course he didn't.

Either way he's probably quite content with that and is in no hurry to finish building a house when he can do his parenting in his old one and continue the single life on his own.

Yes I do think this sometimes, and I also agree with the poster who said that it will good for us all to move on to much more separate arrangements. However much it pisses people off in the interim.

If you get a new partner can you envisage them having a cosy cup of tea together of an afternoon? Ha ha no, not at all .

Honestly do you not imagine that many of us have been where you are to varying degrees.

No not at all, why would I imagine that? I know there are many lonely people out there who have been through difficult divorces etc. I was just talking about myself. But if people have been through the same, all the more reason for them to pass on their experiences, if they want to.

Nothing you can do will make him nice or get you an amicable parenting relationship yes I know, I need to get my head around this, and I agree that it is freeing actually.

Thanks again, all the messages have helped.

[MollyButton]

One thing that occured to me - what would you do if one of your DC kept letting their weed smoking friend into your house?
Just because it is their Dad doesn't make him any less an undesirable from your point of view.

Good luck!

[donotknowhownottomind]

I know what you mean. I also really need to somehow move on, and I can’t do it while my space is being used like this by ex. I have a feeling that I will have to send the solicitor’s letter 🙄.

[FraglesRock]

Did he come today

[donotknowhownottomind]

He gave some of the dc a lift this morning but didn’t cook this afternoon, which felt like a relief. Too soon to tell if it’s just by chance that he didn’t do it today so we’ll see.

[FraglesRock]

Did he come in though?

[donotknowhownottomind]

I don’t know, I didn’t ask them. I was just happy to get home to a kitchen that had not been cooked in, other than by the dc who had made themselves bits and pieces, and I then made a meal. I am sure this is not the end of it however and I will have to get unpleasant (solicitor), but for today I am ok.

[BlackCatSleeping]

Did you consider getting CCTV or a Ring doorbell?

[BlackCatSleeping]

If it’s a case that you don’t mind him in the house as long as he doesn’t cook, then that’s ok too. It’s up to you what you want to happen in your house.

[Wallywobbles]

How difficult would it be to lock your kitchen? It would really help underline the point to your kids. No one get access to my kitchen if I can't trust you to follow the rules.

What have you actually said/asked your kids to do/not do?

[RantyAnty]

is he coming by your house every day?
Does he have set visitation hours or does he just come when he feels like it?

Here's an idea.
Can your teens go to a friends house after school and their dad can pick them up from there and take them out?

Then you can pick them up when you are done with work.
That way, he'll never get to set foot in your house.

[BumbleBeee69]

Christ OP, he is completely controlling your entire environment... this is awful..

[Kitty2020]

How often do your teenagers get sick?
Have they had the flu jab or do any of them have a recurring chronic illness?
If the youngest is 13 the oldest must be at least 15 - can’t they have a rota to cook for themselves? This would be a good lifeskill and team effort to bring the new family unit together.

Does he see them at the weekends or is that time ring fenced solely for his GF?

Can you see that he is continuing to punish you?

What have you achieved with the divorce?

He still dominates your physical space and preoccupies your mental space. He controls your finances, abuses, manipulates, frustrates you with his silence, sulking and antics - and you facilitate it.

You need to put a firm deadline and a firm consequence in every request and then you need to follow through. You maybe need to budget for x3 £70 solicitors letters over the next few months to bring this to a close.

What are your next steps?

[AnnaNimmity]

Don't you think it's a bit weird that you're divorced (and far from amicable), yet he comes to your house every afternoon to cook food for your teenage kids in your kitchen?

I do.

My teens can cook for themselves or wait for me to come home. They make their own arrangements to see their father, out of the house. I don't feel in any way responsible for their relationship with him.

[donotknowhownottomind]

Don't you think it's a bit weird that you're divorced (and far from amicable), yet he comes to your house every afternoon to cook food for your teenage kids in your kitchen?

Yes, definitely.

It’s the third day (following my email) that he hasn’t come to cook in the afternoons. I think he will have realised that I am serious, but I will send a solicitor’s letter if necessary.

Can you see that he is continuing to punish you?

Yes, you’d have thought that he would be bored of it by now. Or it’s a continuation of meaning less than nothing to him.

At the weekends he would do stuff with the dc, and sometimes does with the youngest, but the older two don’t really want to go out. I am sure it is also time with his partner yes.

[Kitty2020]

If you asked him why he continues to punish you - I think he might reply:

"I couldn't help it. It's in my nature."

So what have you actively done to achieve this outcome? And what else do you need to do to maintain this boundary?
Has he not been at all or has he just not cooked? What direction did you give him? Did you give an instruction, a deadline and a consequence which you were prepared to follow through immediately?

Are your DCs on board yet? Are you comfortable having a straight forward conversation with them?