Ex husband and new kitchen

[donotknowhownottomind]

Ex moved out 19 months ago and we have been divorced for almost a year.

It was a horrible divorce - I divorced him due to emotional abuse mainly - and he does not speak to me at all. Any logistical message which I have to send him is never responded to - ever. Though he does read them and sometimes do what is suggested.

One of the worst things about our marriage was the fact that he would regularly subject me to very long silent treatments - we are talking weeks and weeks. It’s hardly surprising that having had the temerity to divorce him I am now dead to him 🙄.

The settlement meant that I got the family home and he got smaller assets, which put together roughly equalled the value of the house. He could have sold these and got somewhere suitable for him and the kids when they were with him, but instead he has been building a new property for him to live in for the past I don’t know how long, and living in another of his assets which is not suitable for the dc (teenagers).

So he has been coming to mine when the dc are home from school and cooking for them - while I am still at work. We never cross paths. The last time we came face to face was in February.

This has been ok but I have recently told him (by unanswered email) that it has to stop when he finishes his house - because I can see a situation where he either never finishes the house, or the dc don’t want to budge and he is still coming to mine months down the line.

The issue now is that after months of saving and planning and buying units and organising it all, and emptying the old one, I am having a new kitchen installed, to replace our very old and manky one.

Aibu not to want ex, who ignores me completely, to be using it when it is finished? Not always but he sometimes leaves a mess, I know he bangs pots and pans around but now we have a fragile induction hob, and he used to sometimes cut straight on to our wooden worktop () when we were together, but he better bloody not do that to the new ones being installed!

As is normal, all the effort has been made by me (am painting it as well), but he might even get to use it before I do - it will be ready to use on Tuesday afternoon.

Aibu to just want ex to go away and to claim what is now my space? Am I being petty?

Forgot to add that he very obviously got together with someone while we were forced to live in the same house for months during the divorce. It was extremely painful for me. I don’t know if they are still together, but he obviously moved on at the speed of light. Why, two years after this, is he going to be in my hard worked for kitchen which he essentially won’t give a shit about?

Sorry that was more harsh than necessary, but please... They are taking advantage of your good nature.

Go immediately to CMS. Do not tell him. Just do it.

Tell the DC this house is not dad's house. He is not to set foot inside it for even 1 minute no matter what. You expect them to respect your wishes on this matter. Dad will tell them where and when they can meet up elsewhere. It's up to them how much they want to see of each other.

I would send a letter telling him he is not to set food in the house again. Nor is he to put the children in the awkward position of being forced to let him in. Speak to the police DV unit about what they can do if he trespasses again. Get a CCTV, ideally something like Nest or Ring where you can remotely see who is at the door and talk to them like "Son, your dad is not allowed in, you can of course go out with him if you want. BastardFace you are not allowed into the house. Wait outside. I will call the police if you set foot inside my house."

I suspect you’re going to find MN dries up soon as a source of support, given you’re ignoring all the advice. If you just prefer to keep wringing your hands and insisting on people-pleasing passivity then of course your stress will continue. Why wouldn’t it?

I would say it’s probably time to do some soul-searching and ask yourself what about this situation is actually working for you? My therapist would say something is, for certain. Otherwise why wouldn’t you take practical steps to end it?

And no, it’s not happening because you are too nice, or believe the best in people, or because you are sacrificing your boundaries and happiness to ensure your kids have a relationship with their dad. Sorry, but that’s all tosh you’re telling yourself.

On this thread and others you’ve had loads of emotional support, practical suggestions, real-life experience of similar situations and plain old sympathy. None of this will make a blind bit of difference until you ACT. If you are just too traumatised to act, get someone else to act for you. Today.

Please, end the hand-wringing, and reclaim some dignity. Please.

Every thing Skittlesandbeer says. Honestly OP, what does it take for you stop acting so helpless? People can only give the same advice, without eventually throwing their hands up in the air and walking away.

I guess there is latent guilt because I got to remain in the home and he was left with smaller assets rather than a home.

Instead of amalgamating them / selling them, he chose to build a house in addition to keeping them. Okay his choice but still there was the “guilt” that I was in the home that had meant so much to him.

Yes there is trauma and a degree of fear I guess. Of how unpleasant he could get in terms of what he says to the dc about me or what he says to me. Still I went through that during the divorce and came out the other side.

Then there has been the fact that I have tacitly agreed to this because it kind of worked for a while and it was early days in the separation. However now it no longer works but everyone is used to the set up so it’s harder to change without seeming weirdly unreasonable.

Also, though he doesn’t respond, if any of the dc are off school sick either I or the dc themselves will tell him as, being self-employed, he can go and see them during the day. It then seems churlish to tell him he can’t be there in the afternoons?

This separated family business is difficult and I remember that we were a family so it seems very difficult to tell the other person they can’t come in to see their kids.

It’s just not easy.

Lastly ex is older than me and wanted to retire, and the divorce meant he couldn’t. I guess there is a degree of guilt about that too.

OP, what on earth will it take for you to get mad at him?

If you refusing him access to the kitchen means the DC don't see him, then he's not a decent father to them.
Mind you, I'm not sure I'd want any DC of mine socialising with him and learning abusive behaviour.

You don't seriously think him not paying maintenance is so he can get his house finished, do you? 😆

I'm inclined to think you're possibly enjoying the whole thing...

STOP FEELING GUILTY FGS!!!

No the money I have only just found out about.

The rest, maybe I desperately want to be seen as not unkind blah blah and that’s my pay-off.

Maybe I don’t realise how liberating having total freedom from him will be as I have not experienced it, or having him around maintains some kind of link to him that up until now I was scared of losing. Or maybe I would hate to be in his position of seeing so much less of the kids, so am doing what I am doing as insurance against it ever happening to me. On the other hand I would have sorted somewhere the dc could stay far sooner.

You need to be there when he's likely to turn up to cook. Take leave, finish early, whatever, just be there and stop him coming in.

Christ OP, I think the other pps are spot on. You don't want help, you don't want to take action. You always have an explanation/excuse why you don't want to/can't do anything. Pull yourself together or stop asking advice. Now man up.

Not an explanation, someone asked me what the pay off might be and I was exploring that. I don’t think divorce is easy or navigating life afterwards either. This has gone on too long though.

And it’s true that on several fronts he has directly challenged me now, so I have to be stronger and put up firmer boundaries. Mayhe with the help of my solicitor if I can.

You need to be there when he's likely to turn up to cook.

That’s not possible with the job I am in, but I have applied for a job which would mean I get home a lot earlier.

@TowelNumber42 thanks for your messages.

In terms of the abuse happening not because of me but because of him, it made me think of the story about the scorpion and the frog which you probably know. It’s not the first time I have thought this about ex:

A scorpion, which cannot swim, asks a frog to carry it across a river on its back. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung by the scorpion, but the scorpion argues that if it did that, they would both drown. The frog considers this argument sensible and agrees to transport the scorpion, but midway across the river the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both. The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung despite knowing the consequence, to which the scorpion replies: "I couldn't help it. It's in my nature."

I give up. I suggest you read the threads 'divorcing sulking h' or 'awesmum's' threads. Best of luck.

OP you need to send a solicitor's letter, take leave for a week and refuse him access.

Don't tell me it's not possible, it is.

Anything is possible if you want it.

OP send a solicitor's letter telling him he is no longer allowed in your home.
Then report him to the police for trespassing every time he enters your home thereafter.
If he does enter your home after the letter, apply for a non-molestation order

The marriage ended because of his abuse he is reaping what he sowed.

Had he not been abusive he would be living in that house and retiring. Had he consolidated his assets he would have a home to live in.

He should be the one feeling guilty for his past and ongoing behaviour.

Can you put a lock on the kitchen door and lock the kitchen up? Leave drinks and snacks out for your kids. Since you are letting your ex walk over you this might allow you some control of your own property before he trashed your kitchen.

Why are you not spitting angry with him?
And your DC? They are enabling his abuse of you. If they cannot be trusted to keep him out of your house then they don't get a key - whether they stay in the library or hang out with him at his house after school is their choice but NO ONE LETS DAD IN THE HOUSE.

Tell them you are going to sell the house. Get the estate agent round to value it. He wouldn't expect to come into a new house, would he?

All this for £20 a week - how much of your food is he cooking for them anyway?

Appeasement has not worked. You need to start getting mad. Have you got any large burly friends you can persuade to sit in your kitchen for the next few weeks? You need to make it uncomfortable for him.

Thanks for the messages.

I have emailed ex and asked him to reinstate the £60 weekly CM, cook for the dc at his own place, and remove the last two items of furniture he is storing at mine. And blocked him so I don’t need to be distressed by any unpleasant answers.

If he ignores this the next step will be to ask my divorce solicitor how much a letter to him would cost.

Thanks @RandomMess, that helps. Will screenshot your message and re-read regularly.

But if you were off next week he couldn't ignore you.
You asked for advice and messaged him, he ignored it and you ignored it until his behaviours got worse.
So you've messaged him again and .... what's the betting he ignores it again.

During your marriage was it fair to say you would raise concerns and he would ignore it?

He won't change, only you can enforce it, be in next week.

Have you discussed it with the kids?

I can’t take any time off until Xmas. I am hoping to get a job which finishes at 4 though, and I would be home at 5, which would for sure change the dynamic and would generally be great for me.

I have told the kids yes, and will tell them again, that I am changing the arrangement. However I can’t ask them to keep their own father out of the house, so I have to approach it differently.

He will ignore me again probably - and yes ignoring me was a large feature of the second half of our long relationship/marriage, but the next step will be the solicitor’s letter which he will hate, and which he will listen to. That and telling him I will have to go to the CMS.

I sent the email because if I can avoid paying for the solicitor’s letter it would be better. That and voluntary reinstatement of the CM.

You are very placid about it? Why was he allowed in your house after the marriage ended? Why are your DC’s letting him into your house when you have told them not to?

You absolutely can tell them to keep your ex out.

He is asking them to disobey YOUR wishes- he does not gives fuck about you- why give a fuck about protecting his feelings above the state of your kitchen?

Explain it to the children in terms they can understand so they’re clear, and be done with it. You’re making the situation worse by not being more forceful about it.