Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I pay or should my friend?

34 replies

MrsZippyLake · 15/11/2019 14:57

My close friend is childless (by choice) but (at my suggestion as she is feeling lonely after her long-term relationship broke down six months ago), she would like to develop a “quasi godparent” type relationship with my elder DD and we’ve arranged that she will take her out for the afternoon soon.

The question is who should pay? My friend earns a reasonable salary but I am fortunate enough to have quite a bit more disposable income than her so wonder whether I should give her some cash for their afternoon out? Or would this seem patronising? Or should I just pay for her dinner next time we go out? What do other people do?

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 15/11/2019 15:02

She pays

HollowTalk · 15/11/2019 15:05

She pays. She wants to be a godparent, she pays for it!

Ragwort · 15/11/2019 15:07

I am sure she will want to pay, I used to take out nieces, nephews, Godchildren a lot and always paid, but I could afford to.

Maybe assume she pays this time and if it is a success and she offers again you could always say something like ‘DD loved her afternoon out with you but please let me pay this time for the admission/
refreshments (as appropriate). It may not be an expensive outing anyway, I used to take my nieces & nephews out to all sorts of things that didn’t actually cost money - park trips etc.

CalmFizz · 15/11/2019 15:10

How old is your daughter?

crustycrab · 15/11/2019 15:10

I'd ask her as they leave if she wants any money for it. She'll say no more than likely

dancemom · 15/11/2019 15:11

I would say it depends.

If you are saying - "take her to the zoo and to X café" then i'd say you would have to pay,

If you are saying "feel free to take her out on Tuesday afternoon if you want" then i'd say she should pay

JigsawsAreInPieces · 15/11/2019 15:14

She pays! Hmm

ajandjjmum · 15/11/2019 15:15

I hope that if the relationship does develop, that your friend doesn't drop your DD if she gets into another relationship.

Sorry if that sounds negative, but seems odd that she only wants to 'develop' a relationship when she's lonely.

habipprtyh · 15/11/2019 15:18

I'm sorry but there is no way this would be happening to my DD. Tell her to piss off and join a yoga group or something.

DingDongDenny · 15/11/2019 15:18

I think she pays, unless it's an activity you've arranged

TheCanterburyWhales · 15/11/2019 15:20

I'd be thinking less about the money and more about how come this friend didn't want to be a pseudo godparent when they had a partner. The two things not being mutually exclusive...

moobar · 15/11/2019 15:22

Hmm, it's all a bit odd. You suggested it because she's lonely? So like hey you are lonely? Take my daughter out?

I think you pay then.....

patchworkelephant123 · 15/11/2019 15:22

I'm sorry this is strange, shes lonely so wats to befriend a child

JacquesHammer · 15/11/2019 15:24

It kind of reads like you’re using her feeling lonely to take your child out. I’m not sure an adult feeling lonely is going to get much out of a “quasi-godparent” relationship that would help their loneliness!

Given it was your suggestion, I think you pay.

Sohololopopo · 15/11/2019 15:36

If she wants to take your child out she pays - if you want her to take your child you provide money to pay for food.

IDontEvenHaveAPla · 15/11/2019 15:58

Considering this is all your suggestion (and I sincerely wonder why you have suggested such a thing in the first place?), but nonetheless, you should be the one paying for all of this. If she refuses, the least you should be doing is giving money to your daughter for spending.

Why would you offer your daughter like this anyway? Are you just after some childcare as it is just an odd reaction to someone being lonely.

IDontEvenHaveAPla · 15/11/2019 15:59

I wish people would read the thread carefully, it's OP who suggested this, not the friend. So if anything, it should be us wondering why OP has put her daughter forward like this, oppose to just being there for her friend more, as most people would be.

Drum2018 · 15/11/2019 16:04

What an odd thing to do. Could your friend not just come round to yours and maybe play board games with you all if she has a desire to spend time with kids?

ActualFemale · 15/11/2019 16:14

If it was you saying "I know what would be good to make you feel less lonely, a close godmother type relationship with my daughter, you cousin take her to the zoo on Saturday?"

Then I'd say you pay or send a bit of spending money with your dd.

To be honest though, I think close relationships come naturally and the fact you've had to suggest her forming this type of relationship indicates she isn't/doesn't spend much time around you and your child for this to have naturally developed and I'd be concerned that if she meets someone else and has less free time, the relationship with your dd will be the first to be reduced/stopper.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 16:21

Does your DD want to do this?!

You can’t just offer up the company of your kids to cheer up a lonely adult Confused

ReviewingTheSituation · 15/11/2019 16:21

When I take my friends' children out, I would expect to pay. Sometimes I take them somewhere with an entry fee, sometimes to the park or the canal to feed the ducks, or simply for a stomp in the woods.
Once I offered to take them out for a day in the school hols so my friend didn't need to take another day's holiday. It was always my intention to take them to a local attraction (my friend knew this), but I was assuming I'd pay as it was my suggestion to do that. She insisted on paying their entrance though.

Does the afternoon out have to be somewhere 'paid for'? If it's just about the 2 of them having fun together, there are probably a range of free things (museums are mainly free now I think, as well as lots of outdoor places) which would mean they could enjoy each other's company.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 16:24

This feels more and more inappropriate as I think about it.

This adult wasn’t interested in this type of closeness with your DD before - she wants it now she’s lonely. You are lumbering your DD with her entirely for your friends benefit.

IDontEvenHaveAPla · 15/11/2019 16:30

Are people seriously not reading the thread properly? Once again, it WAS OP WHO OFFERED HER DAUGHTER. The friend did not ask to play this role, the OP is the one who suggested it.

holidays987 · 15/11/2019 16:45

Does your DD even want to go along with your friend? How well do they know each other & how old is your daughter?

Original poster
MrsZippyLake · 15/11/2019 16:47

Just to explain a bit more... When I suggested it, I was putting myself in my friend’s shoes. If I was childless, I would want to develop a close relationship with my nieces/nephews. However, she is an only child so doesn’t have that option. Therefore I thought it might be nice for her to spend time with her close friends’ children.

DD is nearly 9 and I’m conscious that as she grows up, it might be good for her to have another female in her life to speak to about any issues she is having. The book Raising Girls talks a lot about the importance of female role models and especially the young auntie figure. Although my friend is a similar age to me, she is much more like a young auntie than I am!

Btw I was definitely not asking her for childcare as I have plenty of support already!

Also I think I should clarify that DD really likes my friend and is keen to go out somewhere with her. While I’m sure my friend would be quite happy to hang out and play board games with us, in her shoes, I would rather go out somewhere and do something fun!

In terms of who should pay, the responses seem mixed. Perhaps I will see what she plans to do and then take a view.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread