Is there a ‘service’ for someone to act as your manager?

[BadPurseon]

I’m going through a rough patch - and my executive function has gone to shit.

I WFH on a freelance business and have young kids. I’m sure if I had an office job, then the structure and accountability would keep me going. As it is, I keep just going to bed after I drop the kids to school. Really frustrated - because I know I am much happier when I’m on top of work and the household.

It helps a bit if DH checks in with me - but he works 8am- 10pm - and the check in is on a good day a 5 minutes phonecall & an email. On a bad day, at the moment, I won’t talk to an adult at all. The helpful kind of checkins are like “what do you have to do today...? X sounds like a good place to start. Do that for an hour, then drop me a message to let me know how it went”. But its not reasonable to hang on him more than I am doing - given his pressure at work.

I’m part of various online groups. When I’m ‘up’ these are fun - but when I’m needing a lot of handholding it doesn’t work to reach out. I just end up feeling needy and unwanted - and it burns my bridges for these relationships for the future. Ditto for RL relationship (& my last close friendship ended really badly. The trauma from
that is one of the things that’s pushed me off balance - so getting more enmeshed with RL people is not something I’m open to.)

I tried therapy - but it wasn’t really the same thing.

I’ve thought about life coaching - but coaching I’ve had before has been intermittent sessions. I’m literally looking for someone who will check in with me three times a day to stop the days just sliding away without structure - and who is engaged enough to know what my priorities are to nag for and achievements are to celebrate.

For example, I haven’t seen a dentist for 5 years. I need ‘Mum’ or a ‘Manager’ to hold me accountable - I’m just not achieving that for myself.

In other ways, I’ve done some good stuff - but I shove it in a bottom drawer & forget about it. Again - if I had a ‘manager’ - I would pass these things on.

What’s the google search term for that kind of service? Does it exist?

Might be some useful advice here?
www.quora.com/Is-there-a-service-similar-to-life-coach-to-check-in-once-a-day-on-daily-goals-weekly-goals-and-monthly-goals-to-keep-you-on-track-as-accountability-partner

You need to be a self starter if you're self employed. But in all honesty this doesn't sound like the real problem here.

Dropping the kids off at school and going home to bed isn't normal. Not being able to motivate yourself to make your own dental appointment in 5 years is also not normal. It really sounds like you should see your GP as these could be signs of depression.

I dont mean that to sound too harsh but honestly things don't have to feel so difficult. Have you seen your GP about anything like this before?

Could you reach out to a virtual pa? Ask them to send you a message daily checking what tasks you've got, seeing what your deadlines are, offload some work to them?
That way you've got someone checking up on you, but in a supportive way?

An accountability coach?

Can you not just get a diary app? Set reminders - or even a to do list of some sort

But I agree - your kids and husband will suffer if you don’t get some kind of help

Hire office space. For most of my self-employed friends the routine of meeting other people in their shared office (even if not in their line of work) keeps them honest.

This would be my literal dream job. I'm self employed now too but in my previous job one of my main (unofficial) functions was to keep my boss on track, support him with things when he was struggling to do something and generally keep everything organised.

I think a good virtual assistant could help with this although you'd obviously need to find the right person you would work with well (remotely).

How do I apply?

@Macandcheeseplease - I’m not depressed like ‘chemical imbalance in the brain’ depressed. I am a bit traumatised by a few too many heavy duty emotional demands on me over last year or so - overwhelmed by the continuing support needs of others - and probably autisitic. The final one being relevant as in that ‘shutting down’ is kind of a valid overload response for me. But I do need someone to bring me back sometimes - just coach me back to normal.

I’m not ‘sad’ - but my executive function is never a strong suit. So ‘my best self’ would also forget to make a dentist appointment, because they were consumed in some great project. Just that my current self isn’t even really working. When I do work - I can leverage off that energy and rhythm to make sure I do other self care things - but at the moment day after day is just imploding into nothing.

@GreenTulips - the thing about those - they don’t bounce back after wobbles. When I’m ‘on’ - I’m great. But then something happens with DH/kids /DM / family - and I put everything aside to deal with it (so skip over the reminders). When the crisis is over - the muscle memory is still to skip over the reminders. There’s no scaffolding to quickly get me back on track the next day - so I end up kind of ‘stuck’ in whatever upsetting thing happened iykwim. This is when I miss having an office and colleagues (though a real job would have sacked me ten times over through taking too many days off!).

Is working for an actual employer possible for you? Forgetting the freelance stuff and having a job with set hours where you need to be in an office? Sounds like that would give you better structure as a starting point maybe?

I’ve seriously thought about it - actually applied for a 1 day a week thing. I’m also on the books for an educational outreach charity that could place me 1/2 - 1 day per week from Christmas (pays peanuts - but rewarding).

Downsides to this are:

I achieved some big visibility in my freelancing first half of the year - it is stupid to not capitalise on the opportunity - my time for this is now
I do have a shit tonne of family pressure - I struggled with fitting even the charity job around family medical appts and such
I found the reality of a mini-job (rather than ‘career’ job) is that I was still spending a lot of time alone - and that I ended up with yet more competing demands - which makes it yet harder to organise my time.

I was coming on to say the same as a PP, a virtual EA or PA sounds a good idea for you. Good ones manage upwards.

What I really need is a partner in the freelancing - someone who likes to do the bits that I don’t - and who would deliver judicious bum-kicking when needed (and hand holding when needed & flag waving when needed).

I love the work. Just going a bit loopy on too much time alone.

I’d never heard of a virtual PA/EA. Are they expensive (and will they handle effing social media for me? )

@BadPurseon yes they will do that.

Make a list here, on this thread, of all the bits you struggle with (including mundane admin like dentist appointments etc.). I'm sure we can help you create a job description for a virtual PA.

I employ a virtual pa company, called Virtual PA Co as it happens, they're based in Peterborough, small office and a great team. They welcome you to pop in and visit them if convenient for you.
They manage my diary, take payments for me among pretty much any task I set them.
There are alot of them around, so do some research, but they're the only ones I really clicked with, I think there's 4 of them in the office.

OP, we could be the same person... 😱🙈

Will you say what area your business is in?

VA come at all sorts of prices depends on the value of the person. You can find them on PeoplePerHour, UpWork and most other freelance work websites.

I'm currently like this and it's called anxiety and depression. I'm not particularly sad either - though the stuckness of it gets me down, certainly. I'm kind of in overwhelm and the longer it goes on the worse it gets...

I remember reading about therapists who work with people who are 'stuck' and I didn't really know what it meant. I do now! Bloody hell, I do now.

I have a 12-step sponsor because I also have an addiction (which was a huge surprise to me if I'm honest). First thing which is usually pm I send a photo of the plan I've written for the day and also talk to her every day. Could you dredge up an addiction from somewhere? Lol.

I don't have the luxury of kids to get me going any more. I find I have to be proactive eg sit down and think the night before about a plan for the day, however mundane-seeming. Then write it down. When you get back from taking the kids have a task to do that stops you going to bed. (1. Clean teeth). I got a timetable, like a school timetable (remember how much we got done at school!), and fill it in. It makes tasks manageable. So even if I clean my teeth then watch Homes under the Hammer I've at least cleaned my teeth. Then I can go onto the second period of the day (2. call dad), then the third (3. clear kitchen table) and I'm getting stuff done. Not my usual pace, admittedly, but I'm not spending the day asleep or in bed, which certainly makes me feel better.

Op you could also be me!

Two months ago I would have said I have an alcohol problem - but then I kind of got too defeated to drink . Like - falling asleep by 8 pm.

You can definitely employ a virtual assistant to do all the bits you struggle with, leaving you free to do the things that need your particular skills.

They will then hold you accountable for the things you said you'd get done. Win-win.

You could also look for a co-working space.

When you WFH it is very hard when you are in a slump. (chastises self, goes away to resume horrid task I am hiding from, due imminently)

TBH I'd cut your cloth to your budget.

I'd want at least £100 per day to do all that for you.

Have a go at AA.

Honestly, I am a mad fan of 12-step, it's a great life plan. Bit deep at times, admittedly, but brilliant structure. If, like me, you're traumatised up to your neck and have employed various tactics to zone out/get through, it's a great way to pick through the rubble and LIVE instead of gliding through.

I've done all the therapy and I've had enough of my own voice and my own story tbh. Blah blah blah. 12-step is based on action, which is just what I need.