Anyone noticed your friends changed when your financial circumstances improved?

[changingroomsare]

A few years ago DH started his own business which has really taken off. I have also been promoted at work and so our financial situation has dramatically improved. We have been able to move to our dream house, have better holidays etc, but I like to think that as people we are exactly the same. However, since the upturn in our finances there have been at least 3 people who I considered my good friends who have completely ghosted me. Some of my other friends no longer ever ask me or DH over to their homes any more and it all falls on us. Feeling a bit fed up.

Do you talk about money and your success? I can imagine that gets draining and you may be doing it unconsciously. Mentioning brand names more or talking more about materialistic stuff. If you really haven't changed - and it might be difficult for you to critically self analyse that to be perfectly frank - then it may be related or unrelated. From my experience, my good set of friends have shared promotions and financial security upturns as we have got older. One of my friends is now mortgage free but doesn't ever mention it to us so I tend to forget really.

No. My earnings have tripled. My friends are all still the same. Tbh, most of them wouldnt even know. My life hasnt changed that much.

Yes I do on holiday, had work done on the house, new car all things I was saving for before. I still go help out at rugby and do buffet food for the rugby fund raisers. Still go to the local occasionally etc

I suppose it depends. Honestly, would those people say you have changed?

What's their financial position? Theres a few things that could be at play.

You have changed.
If They are still in a similar financial position as you used to be, either they feel shit seeing your life changing (not great friends) or you have changed and they feel you show off your wealth.

If they are wealthy, they may have liked being the wealthy friends and again, not great friends.

When you are living day to day, it can be very hard seeing someone close getting out of that situation.

Nothing has weighed on me more heavily than when I was a skint single parent.

No I am conscious of how awful that would be plus we don't really buy or do anything differently. The house is a massive step up and dh has a nice car now but they're not something we talk about.

No this didn't happen to me

Are you sure you're not gloating or boastful? Insensitive? Good friends don't care about your financial circumstances, so either they were never your friends, or you're boasting and gloating and they decided to cut you loose.

It’s sad if you can’t share your successes with the people you value. I agree that nobody wants to hear someone banging on about it, but I’d hope that my friends would be happy for me. Maybe there is a touch of the green-eyed monster.

I would have one last concerted push at these relationships ie a phone call for a chat, arrange to meet for coffee in an old haunt, few drinks at your old local, that kind of thing. Nothing ostentatious. I’d err on the side of downplaying any material things but I certainly wouldn’t lie. If nothing changes, I would have to sadly resign myself to the fact that we all move on one way or another, and some relationships don’t last the course.

I do feel for you though.

My lovely friend who hasn't changed at all is a single mum who is struggling financially but she couldn't be happier for us. The others are comfortable and probably quite a bit better off than we were.

From my experience, my good set of friends have shared promotions and financial security upturns as we have got older.

This. My best friend just became a paramedic. For the first rrime in the life (young mum and then student) her and her husband are comfortable. We couldn't be happier for eachother.

You probably have changed and don't realise it. You said that you don't buy anything differently but have mentioned a 'dream home, nice car and better holidays'. These are pretty big things!!!!

Maybe you just need to accept that your lives are different now and that you don't have anything in common with these people anymore.

It's not a slight on you or them, it's just life changes. Enjoy your success and focus on finding people that make you happy.

I’ll admit to having ghosted a few friends who have become richer and more famous than me.

It isn’t because I’m jealous but because their words and deeds constantly implied their work and time efficiency was more important than their friendships. Minuscule slights such as ignoring text messages, withdrawing from Whatsapp groups or lastminute pleas to cancel an invitation. Leaving gatherings early amidst grumbles about having to be up at 5am. Even though their 5am start is checking into the Concorde lounge, not preparing to scrub up for an operation at Great Ormond Street.

I have some seriously successful friends too -QCs and PPSs - who I love and am seriously proud of, because they’re the ones who still find time to reply to my dick email about my kids’ World Book Day outfits, and don’t ration our friendship to weddings and anniversaries.

The exact same thing happened to me. I was a struggling single mum and had a good friend who was very well off. Everything was fine while we were in this scenario and I was regularly invited round with her very kindly offering to pay if we had takeaway etc (I always paid my share)

Then I met my DP who earns well. We weren’t even living together but as she knew what line of work he’s in she obviously had an idea of what he earns. She changed completely. Sly digs about money (even though I still had the same amount as before!) I stopped getting invited around. When we decided to start looking for a home together she compared everything to the size of her house and how much nicer hers was in general. Her kids made comments about my son not having as many holidays as them, as big a room and house etc

We had an incident where we were in a car park together having being at an event and she had boxed me in. I told her I couldn’t see to get out the space and she said she would guide me out. Where she did! Right into the side of her car! I obviously offered to pay half but she insisted on the full amount ‘knowing what money I had!’ I did pay the full amount but I really felt it wasn’t totally my fault. And I didn’t have access to any of my DPs funds at all anyway

I have backed off from her entirely now and I don’t miss her. I’m inclined to believe that this was just her personality type and a chip on her shoulder rather than thinking this is the way most people react. I’m sure a good friend would be happy for you, maybe you need better friends!

My best friend is the wealthy one - both her and her husband's careers have taken off, and mine hasn't, for various reasons but including my health. She's got the husband, house, 2.4 children, everything I want right down to a pony in the garden (Field)! I am envious of her, but she's still the lovely friend she always has been. I often wonder if the difference in our circumstances mean we will be unable to sustain our friendship, but so far so good. I visit for parties, with lots of their other friends there too, and they've all surged ahead in their careers too, so I feel like an odd one out well and truly. But our friendship is bevause we get on so well as people, and that hasn't changed. I have had other friendships that have faded in that time because they were founded on things that have changed. It's all normal I think, but I am mindful that this friendship in particular I have to work at to keep my envy in check (and I'm not sure what if anything she has to work on to make it work - possibly that she doesn't suggest expensive meals or activities.)

I had the opposite happen. DH and I had a run of bad luck, while our friends continued on the normal upward trajectory. They started spending less and less time with us and more time doing expensive things we couldn't afford.

Out of the 4 couples that we hung out with regularly, we only still speak & see 1 (who funnily enough are the wealthiest couple in the group, but who prefer things like camping and home brunching to expensive dinners).

Not really. I've got one friend who doesn't seem to have a sense of scale. As in, because we can afford more than one holiday per year she assumes we'd be able to buy anything we want at any time. She's not horrible about it, it's just a weird conversation because I'd rather not talk about money at all and I have to say 'actually, there's no way we could do that financially'.

Following my post up thread, I’m also very conscious that many of my friends see me as the rich and successful one in our group.

I grew up as the poor one in my school / uni friendship group so I hope that background makes me more sensitive to professional and social differences now. A former friend of mine manages a pension fund now and a constant refrain is, “I still shop at Sainsbury’s and Topshop” in order to illustrate how grounded she is. I don’t think she even realises how obnoxious that sounds to the majority of our friends who shop at Asda and New Look .

My DH isn’t rich but his income from rental properties means I don’t have to work. We have nice holidays and a reasonable home but nothing flashy at all. I have found that even on this scale, women I know who wanted to be SAHP and were unable to, hold big resentments against us. Our income isn’t huge but it is stable. Other friends who were much richer than us and have lost it all or had a down turn, again have made comments about how lucky we are. We are just very careful spenders with what we do have. So yeah having more money or suddenly having less money, does change people.

I’ve experienced this in both directions.

It is hard when your friends either have no money or won’t spend it on seeing you.

OTOH I am now also broke. So I get that too.

When I was young and broke a "friend" told me it was tedious having poor friends because you had to do what they could afford and it wasn't always great. I literally never saw her again - didn't see the point.

Yes.

My husband recieved a promotion a work. We had saved for years to be able to buy our dream home and the promotion meant we could move quicker (we never called it our dream home in RL, just said we were moving) when they heard the area, the responses varied from how fancy/posh to I'll miss you. I'm 20 minutes by car from my old house/area. I have not heard from them whatsoever. I had a baby not long ago and no ones seen her. I did make the effort in the beginning but with an older child and young baby I didn't have time to sit on the phone and chat for an hour anymore. The messages soon dried up and now I've not heard from any of them in nearly 6 months. It stings because we were so close, nights out, birthday meals, takeaway night, days out together and even a few holidays together.

We did not discuss money, ever.

That could be because of the baby though, woo, not money.

I asked them to come round to see her when we got back from the hospital, no one came. I didn't even get a congratulations. Surely if we were that good friends then they would have said at least that?

One did see her when she was 4 months old but that was when we bumped into each other randomly and I've not heard from her since.

I had a very similar situation to agirlhasnoshame. I was a struggling single Mum and had a wealthy friend who was very keen to help me out while I was financially badly off (for which I am grateful as it was a bad time). I later met DP who is well off and by the time we got to the stage that we were looking to move in together, she was actively avoiding me. It made me sad, and I havnt heard from her in about two years. I follow her on Instagram so see what she and her family are up to now but she unfollowed me long ago.

But what I mean is they might have not really been interested in the baby rather than avoiding your wealth!

Most friends no, they are happy for me. One friend tended to show more jealous tendencies towards me and we have grown apart, which is hard. She would be quite spiteful over stuff I did or bought. I never ever boasted or flaunted!

I never discuss my financial situation, but I have a nice house, car etc so it shows in other ways.

My friend married a wealthy man and I don't see her anymore. It's a bit sad as it was a 15 year friendship, but to be honest she did change. She stopped answering messages, made last minute excuses as to why she couldn't meet up with us and even got caught on FB going out with his friends when she told us she was ill. In short , she dumped us in favour of her husbands friends who were all rich. Her actions spoke volumes. It all culminated in a night out where she repeated a comment her husband had said about us (we were a group of 4 friends) which made it very clear that he looked down on us.

When friends who are moving up in the world do so, IME, their level of sensitivity and sense of the world around them sometimes changes.

One example is a friend who constantly bemoaned the lack of space in their 5 bedroom house to live to a 'more comfortable' 7 bed, with their 2 children. I live in a modest 3 bed with 3 children and can't help but think about how she must judge my home when she's over. So I found myself stopping inviting her to mine and meeting her for coffee elsewhere. Then came the OTT apologies of being so busy with work that they can't make dates we schedule etc. So I think to myself, 'you clearly think your life is above mine, your work is more important etc' so I stop making effort.

Another friend cannot help but mention their second property and location of it. Whilst I'm very happy for her and family and celebrated massively with them when it all went through several years ago, if they reference it constantly, it grates on me and I find myself listening out for it. Shoe-horning it into the most mundane of conversations makes me question their view of others who don't have such assets...so I reduce contact as it is not on my radar / future aspirations list...

Another friend who now has a much much higher income moans and complains about service in the most embarrassing of ways to such an extent that I refuse to go out with her now. I mentioned why and she told me I was being precious. We once worked together as students in bars and know what it's like to be on the receiving end of awful customers.

There's more but these are a couple of examples. These might be the sorts reasons that people who you have been on a level with will suddenly find it difficult to stay in your life. Hopefully you don't launch into conversations with phrases such as 'and where are you holidaying this winter break?'