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Original poster

Birthday etiquette - who should pay?

59 replies

Fedupofballs · 10/11/2019 08:38

Got a big birthday coming up and thinking or inviting some friends/my parents for dinner at a local restaurant. Probably be about 15 of us in total. There’s a set menu which includes a glass of fizz. Which option would you expect?
1 - I pick up the full bill?
2 - I pay for the meal and people sort their own drinks (and possibly tip?)
3 - everyone pays for meals and I buy some drinks.
4 - everyone pays for themselves?

I’m thinking option 2, but what would you expect?

OP posts:
Zeldasmagicwand · 10/11/2019 09:16

Everyone pays for themselves.
Hopefully they’ll chip in for your meal but I get hacked off subsidising people drinking alcohol when I choose not to, as that really pushes the costs up.

Original poster
Fedupofballs · 10/11/2019 09:17

I suppose if you were having a birthday party then you’d pay for it, so I was thinking that you should do something similar if it was a meal instead....
Just to add to the mix, 6 of the people will be me, DH, DS, DD and my parents, therefore Our family funds will pay for those by default.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/11/2019 09:17

Option 1. If I was inviting people to a birthday celebration I wouldn’t be expecting them to pay to attend.

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Spam88 · 10/11/2019 09:21

I'd expect 4. Honestly I'd feel quite awkward about you paying for my food or a significant part of my drinks bill (couple of bottles of wine on the table would be nice if you wanted to provide something). I'd probably try and pay for yours though rather than expecting you to pay for anything for me.

Depending on the size/nature of your group, I do tend to prefer everyone paying for their own drinks at this sort of thing rather than splitting the bill - hopefully the restaurant can arrange that either by people ordering at the bar or payment being taken at the table at the time of ordering.

Original poster
Fedupofballs · 10/11/2019 09:29

The idea came out of a conversation with my friend yesterday.. she was along the route of option 4 with paying for mine, but that felt a bit awkward.

There’s a £10 pp deposit, I could contribute that and some wine, but would that be a bit half-hearted??

OP posts:
MrsFezziwig · 10/11/2019 09:45

Also it depends what the usual practice is in your social circle and what you can afford. What have your friends done in similar circumstances? On a normal meal out we would make communal arrangements and pay for ourselves, but a big birthday is slightly different - as you say if you hosted a birthday do at home you’d be paying for it. And I would feel a bit awkward if I invited people and arranged everything and then my friends paid for me!

FacebookRager · 10/11/2019 09:51

As a PP said, any way is completely acceptable as long as it is made crystal clear on the invite. And confirm it again before the date too.

icantfind · 10/11/2019 09:53

‘I’d like to go out for a meal for my birthday. Xxx is really nice, and has a set menu for £30 each so it’s really easy to split the bill’

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 09:54

Yep I'd fully expect to pay! We do this often in our friend group and would never expect the birthday person to pay! We come along because we want to celebrate with them and spend time with them, not to get a free meal. Just make it clear on invites and all will be fine. Enjoy!

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 09:56

(Also we are actually likely to put in extra to cover the birthday person's meal or drinks too!). But then we all like each other which seems to not always be the case on these kind of threads on MN where some people are black affronted at paying money to celebrate with someone they apparently love Grin

blackteaplease · 10/11/2019 09:56

I'd would expect to pay for myself and chip in to cover yours in a restaurant

zzzzzzzx · 10/11/2019 10:01

1 or 2. We invited family and friends to a meal recently and we paid food and drinks. To be fair everyone expected to pay themselves and offered money which we declined. If the set up was a bit different and drinks were bought at a bar separately to the food, then we would have just paid food but as it was all brought to the table and came up on one bill, we paid it all. I think it does depend on your circumstances though.

Bottleof · 10/11/2019 10:12

cele maybe consider that people can't necessarily afford to treat others too rather than not caring Hmm

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 10:33

Well if you can't pay for yourself you don't go surely? I'm sure we've all had times we've had to skip out on something we want to do because we can't afford it, to varying degrees. I'm not sure the solution is to assume that someone else will pay for it!

Celebelly · 10/11/2019 10:35

The comment about liking each other should really have gone with my previous post though, so I can see why it is was taken that way. I meant more that on these threads, there are always people who turn up and are horrified at the suggestion of paying to attend anything with supposed friends and believe they should be paid for.

OnlineShopping · 10/11/2019 10:36

I think any of the options is fine as long as everyone knows in advance. Happy birthday and I hope you enjoy your evening out.

LollipopViolet · 10/11/2019 10:38

In my group of close friends (5 of us) we split the bill equally and pay for the birthday person between us. I'd expect to pay for myself, anything paid by the host would be a lovely surprise and appreciated but not expected.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/11/2019 11:19

If you're inviting then you're the one who pays as you're the host.

If you want to do 2, 3 or 4, you're organising a venue for a specific date with a "Shall we get together for x, y, z?"

All fine, just be very clear if you're expecting others to pay.

Honeyroar · 10/11/2019 11:26

I think if you paid for everyone's deposits and bought another round of drinks/fizz it would be lovely. I did something along those lines for a big family meal for a birthday.

ReturnofSaturn · 10/11/2019 11:39

I would expect number 3 or 4 as that's what's the norm in my friendship group.

BeanBag7 · 10/11/2019 11:58

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

That's very black and white. So if I text my friends and suggested meeting up for dinner next week, would I be expected to pay for all of it? Or does it only apply if it's your birthday? What if my mum planned a meal out for my birthday and invited family friends - would she pay for them as she sent the invite?

TiceCream · 10/11/2019 12:02

Why would you be treating other people if it’s YOUR birthday? In my experience it’s more usual for other people to club together to cover the birthday girl!

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 10/11/2019 12:03

I've never seen the birthday person pay for other peoples meals. Usually everyone pays for their own and chips in for the the person who's birthday it is. Suppose different groups work differently though.

BlackCatSleeping · 10/11/2019 12:07

I’d go for option 3. Everyone pays their own but I’d buy some wine or something for the table and maybe organize a cake if the restaurant are ok with that.

reallyrandomwords · 10/11/2019 13:54

If I was invited to a private party I'd expect everything to be covered but be prepared to pay for drinks. If I was just invited along for a meal I'd expect to pay for everything I consume myself, or split the bill evenly if that was fair for what we had (ie not if some people had far more expensive options than others).