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Original poster

Asking a teacher to be stricter... Can I do it?

37 replies

ChristmasCupsAComing · 07/11/2019 20:03

My DD is 4 and as we say in the west of Scotland, a pure greeter. She will cry if she thinks it will get her out of something she doesn't want to do. We went through it all about a year ago and it settled down, but it's come up again since starting school.

Being very honest, there's a few others who seem to be the same and I think she is being inspired back to old ways. Her teacher is also very young and absolutely lovely, but possibly too lovely?

I have spoken to her, praised her and sanctioned her at home, but I'm worried that at school she is being allowed to get away with it. Today she cried because she didn't want to go to gym, so was allowed to colour, and also because she didn't want to go to out to play- and she was allowed to stay in!

OP posts:
Justapatchofgrass · 07/11/2019 20:45

You could also tell your GP how to take blood pressure and your solicitor how to write a will.

You sanction her? She is a four year old who sounds like she has social and emotional mental heath needs.

Does the teacher feel sorry for her and/or are trying to develop her self esteem.

Original poster
ChristmasCupsAComing · 07/11/2019 21:06
Hmm

I think the teacher does feel sorry for her. She doesn't have social or emotional mental health needs, she just needs to be told firmly to put her jacket on and go out to play.

She gets praised when she goes a week without (put on) tears. She loses iPad time and other treats when she doesn't.

OP posts:
LadyCop · 07/11/2019 21:16

Jeez OP this is a 4 year old you're talking about here. Listen to yourself Hmm

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DameBurleyChassis · 07/11/2019 21:19

As much as I agree with you that the teacher does sound a bit soft (also West of Scotland if that matters), I don’t think it would be right to speak to her about this.

Mumofboth · 07/11/2019 21:22

Don’t do it. You do what works for you and let the teacher do the same. She’s four and probably gets tired and therefore frustrated. Cut her some slack

Mumofboth · 07/11/2019 21:23

Also at 4 years old teachers aren’t allowed to tell children they HAVE to do it. It’s a child-led curriculum at that age and the children get to decide. At 5 when they legally have to be in school it changes.

jennylouisaa · 07/11/2019 21:24

I say speak to the teacher. I'm a TA and see how it's so important that kids have consistency at home and school so boundaries are clear. Allowing these things to happen in school in reception years can often lead to behavioural issues the higher up they go.

Original poster
ChristmasCupsAComing · 07/11/2019 21:24

I was thinking of framing it as 'I really don't want her missing out on things, please just firmly ignore the tears and repeat the instruction'. I don't want to be that parent though.

I know my DD and now that she has been allowed to stay indoors/ miss one gym class, she will try this every time she doesn't fancy it.

OP posts:
Awkward1 · 07/11/2019 21:25

Mine are both like this. It doesnt get them anywhere with me. But i think they are both highly strung (and grt tired from school /nursery).
Also i think having asthma can make you overreact.
It's especially hard at things like parties as they will overreact to losing.

In reception they will be working on behaviour. But i agree they shouldnt be giving into her as it's going to be hard when they start saying you have to do it

Original poster
ChristmasCupsAComing · 07/11/2019 21:27

Also at 4 years old teachers aren’t allowed to tell children they HAVE to do it. It’s a child-led curriculum at that age and the children get to decide. At 5 when they legally have to be in school it changes.

Really?!

Does something magical happen on their 5th birthday?! How daft is that!

OP posts:
Nighttimefreedom · 07/11/2019 21:28

I have one the same OP and its frustrating because she's little in the year group and other kids baby her as well when she's actually more than capable.
Whilst you can't really tell the teacher what to do, you can say youd prefer her to strongly encourage your daughter and that she has a tendency to do this. Just mention it at parents evening or something.

jellycatspyjamas · 07/11/2019 21:30

She’s 4, I wouldn’t have her in school at this point tbh is there a reason you didn’t defer her - another year of preschool might have seen her more school ready. In any event she’s 4, she’s not developed emotional regulation yet. Let her teacher teach her and give her space to grow, does it really matter if a child of four doesn’t go out to play or do gym. In normal circumstances she wouldn’t even be in school yet in Scotland.

saraclara · 07/11/2019 21:30

'I really don't want her missing out on things, please just firmly ignore the tears and repeat the instruction'.

I'd have been perfectly happy to hear that as a teacher. Especially if the exchange begins as being about her behaviour at home.

I'm not sure about rewarding her for not crying for a week though. I'd frame it as 'not whinging'. The former is a bit like ' boys don't cry'. It's not a healthy thing to promote.

CrazylazyJane · 07/11/2019 21:34

As a teacher, I'd be happy to hear that you want me to be firmer with your child. It may be that the teacher is a bit inexperienced with handling such behaviour and would appreciate your input. You seem to have a realistic view of your child and their strengths and weaknesses.

As for the previous comment about teachers not being allowed to tell 4 year olds what they have to do, utter rubbish! Part of being at school (and learning in early years) is following instructions and being aware of behaviour expectations within the setting. One of the key behaviour expectations is do as you're told, straight away.

Original poster
ChristmasCupsAComing · 07/11/2019 21:36

She's 5 at the end of the month, so wouldn't have qualified for deferral and was more than ready. This was something that she did about a year ago and with rewards/sanctions she came out the other side.

I'm not sure about rewarding her for not crying for a week though. I'd frame it as 'not whinging'. The former is a bit like ' boys don't cry'. It's not a healthy thing to promote.

Yes, not whingy crying. I don't mind if she falls down and cries, it's the crying to get out of something.

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 07/11/2019 21:36

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that - the teacher might even appreciate it. Depending on the school and management many teachers can be quite cautious because of precious parents making a fuss. Having a parent backing her in having certain expectations may be quite refreshing.

peachgreen · 07/11/2019 21:36

Crikey. Going a week without crying at 4 seems a bit harsh.

Pinkblueberry · 07/11/2019 21:38

Also at 4 years old teachers aren’t allowed to tell children they HAVE to do it. It’s a child-led curriculum at that age and the children get to decide. At 5 when they legally have to be in school it changes.

OP this is the type of parent I’m referring to.

Pinkblueberry · 07/11/2019 21:43

Also at 4 years old teachers aren’t allowed to tell children they HAVE to do it.

What about 4 year olds in nursery? Or with a childminder? Can’t say I’d be impressed if my childminder told my my DS didn’t wear his coat today or have his nappy changed or something similar because he preferred not to and she couldn’t say he had to...

stoplickingthetelly · 07/11/2019 22:08

I’m with you OP and also have a 4 year old dd who is prone to fake tears, particularly when being told off (even mildly) or if she’s told no. I would have a word with the teacher as she might not know she’s putting it on. My dd did this at the childminders and she thought dd was genuinely upset. Once I told her it was all fake dd stopped because it didn’t work anymore. Like you we don’t entertain the fake tears at all at home. When she tries it on we completely ignore her. She often takes herself off to her room, then stops crying once she realises no one is paying any attention.

JockTamsonsBairns · 07/11/2019 22:31

I'm from the West of Scotland too, and totally got the tone of your op. Fwiw, I've had a pure greeter too, so I know where you're coming from.
As for not being able to tell a 4 year old what to do, as it's completely child-led, I have never come across this before, and I work in schools (not a teacher). How on earth would that work, with 4 and 5 year olds in the same class?

SpiderCharlotte · 07/11/2019 22:38

@ChristmasCupsAComing Apparently I was a greetin faced wee pain in the arse when I was that age and I turned out ok (I think). 😂

Kiwiinkits · 07/11/2019 22:40

Yes, speak to the teacher. Some kids are whiners / whingers and they need to be taught that it’s not the way to get what you want.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/11/2019 22:40

Oh OP don't be "that" mum. Your DD is barely out of babyhood, adjust your expectations.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/11/2019 22:43

She gets praised when she goes a week without (put on) tears

Ok, I'm going to say this in the most diplomatic way possible, and only because you have a small window of opportunity still open before you get to "no turning back, we've fucked her up too much" - crying, whilst annoying, is a natural human emotion, and obviously children cry more because they're not as good as regulating their emotions. Rewarding the withholding of emotions will do deep long lasting damage. I have a greeter too, she's 6 and cries about something trivial every day. It's irritating but better to be irritated than to tell her to bottle it up

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