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Original poster

Single and pregnant feeling alone

33 replies

Wantadvice2019 · 06/11/2019 21:42

Hi guys.
Anyone got any advice for a pregnant single mum? I have a 3 year old and I’m 33 weeks pregnant, different dads. I feel so lonely and baby’s dad has said he’s trying to already get out of paying as much maintenance by forging his business account/pay. He ignores my calls or texts and is just unreliable. Advice please?

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 06/11/2019 21:48

Flowers, OP.

Cease contacting the loser. He doesn't want to know and you do not need an in and out father for your child. It'll mess the child up. Do not put him on the BC. Plan to manage financially without maintenance but put in a claim for CMS when baby arrives. Anything you get will be a bonus. Do not rely on it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/11/2019 22:01

Have you got any family?.

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 06/11/2019 22:06

I know I should do that, family and friends have told me not to bother but I want my daughter to have a dad though but I’m worried like you say it’ll just be on his terms as everything else is.
I don’t actually have a job atm as I was made redundant and then will have some time with baby before looking but I’m not entitled to any help financially with universal credit or maternity allowance so as much as I’d love not to put him on BC I do need to rely on his pathetic payments. I’m currently not receiving child maintenance for 3 year old either so just getting by on savings but they won’t last forever

OP posts:

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Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 06/11/2019 22:07

My parents are good to me but I feel guilty having to rely on them as much as I do.

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Homemadearmy · 06/11/2019 22:16

You may not get a choice about the birth certificate anyways as he has to go with you. Will he?
I was in your position years ago. Hoping my second child's father would change his mind and want to be in his life. He never did ds1 is 26 now.

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 06/11/2019 23:23

I looked into the BC thing and because we aren’t married he has to be there or give consent somehow. I think he’ll want to be on it because he wants rights over her.
He wants to pay less than half the maintenance he should be or told me that I can give her to him and not see her and not pay anything.
AS IF she’s my daughter and currently I’m the only one looking after her, yes what he can do is very limited but even when we were together he wouldn’t do anything, even get a drink or breakfast or rub my back. I couldn’t even think about not seeing or being with my daughter. It kills me knowing I have to give up some time so he can have her. He’s unreliable and irresponsible. He’s completely changed from when we first met

OP posts:
plantainchips · 06/11/2019 23:28

Honestly, he doesn’t care. At least that’s how it sounds. It will be so much easier if you accept this and plan for it. I understand that it’s so tough but it will honestly pass. Flowers]

Sleepyhead19 · 06/11/2019 23:36

He doesn’t care. Is that the kind of role model you want for your baby? If you put him on the birth certificate, you will cause yourself massive grief. That’s when he has rights and can demand to see her. If he’s as nasty as you say, you need him away from you and your unborn baby.
Stop contacting him, don’t ask for anything from him.
I am sure you can get universal credit, as long as you don’t have more than 16k in savings. You need to go to the CAB and get advice on finances.

Smellbellina · 06/11/2019 23:36

Been there, the pregnancy was so sad and lonely, but honestly once the baby appeared it didn’t matter. Not going to lie it wasn’t easy but once the baby arrived the priorities changed.
It’s different now with UC and much harder for women with DC but if this is your second child you can still get some support.

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 00:13

It’s hard because I still want the fairytale family with my daughter having both her parents together. I couldn’t do it with my first child because her dad just walked out and I feel guilty. It’s just not what you want for your child is it.
I don’t want my kids thinking that it’s ok to be treated that way or spoken to a certain way. I don’t think I’m asking for much just to be spoken to nicely and respected.
I think even if he wasn’t on the birth certificate then he can fight to get him on it and be more difficult.
It can get very lonely being a single mum, I’m not one for getting other people to look after my child so I can go out, I don’t mind once in a while to go for dinner etc but I couldn’t do it often and my friends have their own families so I’m shut away by myself each evening too

OP posts:
Obviouslynotobvious · 07/11/2019 00:27

That's really understandable you feel as you do. Can you meet anyone to talk?

JenniferM1989 · 07/11/2019 00:34

As soon as your savings drop below £6k OP, make a claim for universal credit

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 00:37

We have play dates and go out during the day but don’t really have anyone I can see in the evening.

OP posts:
plantainchips · 07/11/2019 00:38

Yes, he definitely if he wanted get himself on the BC. If you feel it’s easier to, then go for it :)

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 00:39

Yeah I’m going to be straight onto trying to get UC when my savings go down. I have always been uncomfortable in asking for it but I have always worked and paid into it and it’s not my fault I was made redundant and that I’m a single parent so I know I shouldn’t feel bad really

OP posts:
Aloe6 · 07/11/2019 00:39

Give baby your surname and don’t put him on the BC. You can still claim child maintenance regardless of these two choices.

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 00:55

I was torn between my surname and joint surnames.
I didn’t think you can claim child maintenance if he isn’t on the birth certificate

OP posts:
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/11/2019 00:59

You can have up to £16k in savings and apply for universal support it can take up to 5 weeks to process but as you have children you can ask for a upfront payment when you apply, once baby is here you can apply for child benefit and should already receive this for your 3 year old, and your 3 year old may depending on area you live be entitled to a certain number of hours free care a week and if in school after applying for UC he should be entitled to free school meals and a uniform grant starting reception class, and if this is her fathers attitude I’d apply for CMS after she’s born and not bother trying to sort payments between yourself, also have you tried any local pregnancy groups in your area and find out about baby groups for after baby is born, have you got any family or friends locally? Does your 3 year old attend playgroup or have play dates? Is it adult company your missing or specifically someone to share your pregnancy with?

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/11/2019 01:05

And yes you can claim CM if he isn’t on BC

Homemadearmy · 07/11/2019 01:40

Please don't think I'm being harsh, even if he stays around has access and plays the father role. How's your 3 year going to feel when her sibling is seeing her father. Having days out presents etc. It will be hard for her. Was he involved with her when you were together? Honestly let him do the running. Give new baby your name so the 3 of you have the same name. Don't try to force a bond. It will be more confusing for your little family.

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 01:46

I get the family allowance or whatever it’s called, the one every child gets.
My daughter gets 15 hours free childcare but her dad has to apply for that because apparently as I’m not working I don’t get it 🤷‍♀️
I think I’m going to have to go down the cms route by the sounds of it.
I haven’t been to any pregnancy groups, I’ve looked but it’s like yoga in the evening which my mum would babysit but it’s quite expensive. We do have play dates so I have mums to talk to and my daughter has friends to socialise with etc. I just miss having someone there I can talk to really or just company in the evening. I tend to message people in the evening so at least I’m still communicating with people to some extent. My parents live locally and a couple of mum friends from nursery but I don’t like to take people away from their own happy family lives when it’s their time to relax and enjoy each other’s company

OP posts:
Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 01:53

Baby’s dad was good with my daughter when we were first together but for several months he’s made fun of her where she’s been upset or uncomfortable which no child should feel especially in their own home. My daughter sees her dad and gets days out and presents so she’d have that anyway and baby wouldn’t know for a while but I’d make sure the other was out, even if it’s to the park or play date etc.
Everyone including family and friends are all saying to just not bother contacting him now but I find it difficult because I feel guilty for baby and I do want to be with him but just not how he treats me now, like it was at the start.... when he was probably putting an act on.

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Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 01:53

Thanks so much for everyone’s advice so far I really appreciate it xx

OP posts:
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/11/2019 02:22

Have you made a plan with him on babies birth if not or if he isn’t interested, For me I’d just send one message when I’m in labour and one message when she is born, like just to let you know I’m in labour and at the hospital now and then something like the baby is here, not to much detail, no questions, no opinions, etc just plain and simple and to the point and if I didn’t hear off him after that I wouldn’t contact him again and leave it all upto him, you can’t force someone who isn’t interested by chasing them, if he did contact me I’d do go from there and keep my messages just like my first two a healthy relationship between two parents is ideal but a no contact at all parent is way better than a parent who is in and out of a child’s life and using them for they own benefits when it suits them or a abusive parent, have you told your mum how your feeling would she be able to maybe come over one evening a week after your 3 year olds gone to bed for a few hours at least till the babies born even it’s just chatting and playing cards and that, maybe invite a friend over for a cheap takeaway and film every now and then or any friendly neighbours you could invite over for a cuppa and get closer with, for me personally the neighbour one is a great relationship to have as we always right there for each other and only a stones throw to get home, video calls on loud speaker to family and friends are also much better than texting as both are able to get on with things and still chat

Original poster
Wantadvice2019 · 07/11/2019 06:41

He said he wants to be at the birth and there for his daughter but I don’t want him to be unsupportive while I’m in labour by going off by himself when he’s bored or just playing games on his phone, obviously some of the time that’s ok because you are there a long time but I’m just thinking he’s just going to attend and do what suits him. He said he’d be there when she’s born but I don’t just want that as and when it suits him too. It’s got to be at a time it helps me too. I’ve even offered him to stay with us for a couple of weeks so he can help me and see her a lot but he’d rather just come over for a couple of hours when there’s nothing better to do I think.

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