Divorce, kids, finances and logistics!

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'm hoping some posters would be prepared to share how they 'managed' getting divorced. And interested to know what anyone would do in mine.

My situation.
'Split up' from stbxh about 2 months ago, after I found out he'd continued the affair he swore he stopped two years previously. I'm actually quite happy now and excited for the future as I realised that we've just been bumbling along for years and affair is simply catalyst to move on.
2 children 9 & 11. Him main breadwinner (£100k salary), me childcare/housework plus a little bit of part time work (£8k salary). It's been fair contribution wise. He pays for mortgage £2k month, plus all bills £500, plus puts £1k per month in my account as I pay for food plus all kids stuff.
We initially decided to coparent, as on a day to day basis we always have gotten on fine. So, he moved in to the spare room, and was out at least two days a week in hotels (he works quite far away). Both of us welcome to discreetly have new relationships. Kids know we've split up, but their lives haven't really changed so far. The reason we decided to coparent was finances, kids, plus logistically as our lives are full of activities for all 4 of us and is so much easier with 2 pairs of adult hands. Stbxh and I have worked well in the past at managing this.
However;
2 months down the line I hate it when he's here. He might possibly buy an investment flat near by, but that's just throwing away what £2k per month of what will be the kids pot. My friends are saying I need to get something written down in finances, or get on with divorce; if he just walks out now, we can't afford to live here. Kids will be heartbroken if he moves out.
Wwyd?

It sounds like to need to push on with a divorce and get the finances sorted as soon as possible.

At the moment it works, but don't count on him not moving out as soon as he gets into a serious relationship. Better to try and split the assets in advance and make sure that you've got accommodation sufficient for you and the kids.

Thank you @Screamqueenz that echoes what my friends have said

I’d sell and both buy something you can each afford. If he gets serious with someone else he will move out and won’t be under any obligation to pay the bills and full mortgage.

You're right candy floss. The cms is 16% of his salary, 16%!! Which would be £16k annual and would cover only a third of the year. And 84% for just himself. Seems absurd.

Just check on the number of days he'd have them and the number of days you'd have them.
You could also ask for spousal maintenance if you've taken a part time job to raise the children.

Sorry, check on the number of days because it could make a difference to the percentage.
Also you will probably get the child benefit payments as well, and you could claim benefits in addition (I don't think they take CM payments into account as income).

Gosh, you're right @Screamqueenz I could actually get less. I'm not sure re benefits, it doesn't seem right to claim when their father has a 3 figure salary.

You’re likely to get a higher share of assets so arguably he’ll gave to get bigger mortgage etc to house himself and the kids web they stay with him

Look at gathering all info on assets and seeing what is available/affordable at certain %.

You’ll need to also look to increase your own income and possibly go back full time based on your children’s ages

Even at 16% it won’t be £16k as it is 16% of take home pay. That’s with all pension costs and company car costs taken off. With co-parenting you will get less. Can I recommend that whatever finances you agree, that you put in the requirements for his contributions to continue for the children through university. I have a high earning ex and due to having a switched on solicitor 16 years ago my DD will get about £15k a year through uni which means she won’t have any debt. He did try and wriggle out of it!

What did you do for work before children?

You need a life strategy. In 9 years time any maintenance could stop and you cant live on £8k a year.

You’re likely to get a higher share of assets
That isn't true. he may want 50/50 custody for example.

I have some friends who split. They had a small flat from pre marriage and a house. The children stayed in the house and the parents moved into the house when it was their turn for custody and into the flat when it wasn't. Its worked very well. So they shared a flat and a house but were never in the same one at the same time.

Even with 50:50 it’s likely she’d get a higher split based on loss of earnings and lower earnings ability going forward

But legal advice is needed

£16k a year in maintenance is massive. You can’t expect to be a single adult woman with 2 kids to support and work for £8k a year.

The time has come (the walrus said) to get a job, sort out the divorce and the financial package and move on.

Also, remember it will end when they are 20 / leave full time education so make sure you have a plan for 9 years time too.

We managed 6 months before we split properly. We worked out the essential bills which he gives me each month then I pay the rest out of my salary which is a little more than yours, he gives me extra for one off things as well. You are expected to work properly with kids of that age so I would use this time to apply for jobs that you can start to support yourself better on ... but can he live elsewhere if he gives you £2500 a month? I'm guessing his take home is about £4,800? All depends where you live, it's cheaper here, he's renting for a year initially

What equity do you have? Pensions, equity in the house, savings, whatever? That will make a huge difference to your future financial stability.

It’s great you are able to manage this bit of the split so amicably, but it is very likely one of you will want to move on in your life - meet a new serious partner, he and his girlfriend might want children or whatever. It is going to alter your lifestyle quite considerably I’m afraid.

Goodness, I love mumsnet. Thank you so much ladies for taking your time to advise a stranger, very kind.

So, basically, if we officially split, I would be entitled to a very small fraction of what he currently pays. I hadn't realised the 16% was after tax/pension; that brings it down by more than half as he has a large pension.

We mutually agreed it would be unfair on the girls to downgrade their lifestyle, after all, they have done nothing wrong.

I was planning on getting a full time job once littlest goes to secondary (3 years). The £8k I currently earn is school time only, so I have zero childcare costs, so it's actually 'worth' a lot more than that. At the moment, round my way, my childcare costs if I were to go full time would be about £13k. So, that's a full time salary of nearly £30k incorporating tax and travel. I'm not sure I'd get that easily. But of course as my children get older, that's decreasing all the time. It's lovely for all 4 of us that I am here for the children and get all chores done during school day; it increases our quality of life.

Maybe the best to do is divorce so that all finances are sorted, but continue to coparent in the same house. Are you even allowed to do that?

Hi OP

I separated from my ex nearly 2 years ago after he had an affair and moved in with the OW.

I think one of the hardest things to get your head round is the massive change in lifestyle and circumstances. I have found this difficult to fully accept myself. Also that unfortunately it is very likely that long term your DC will be able to have the same lifestyle ( just because running two homes just costs so much more even with a high earning ex).

My DC are younger than yours (5 and 7) - I always worked perfectly time but have had to go up to full time. Does their school not have an after school club? Most are subsidised to a degree - those childcare costs seem very high for after/before school care only? Although obviously also need to factor in holiday cover

Sorry unlikely not likely that the same lifestyle can be had.

Having said that as long as you protect yourself the best advice I had was that you can divorce and co parent in whatever way works best for you ( of course only if your ex also agrees!). So don’t let ‘traditional’ ways of coparenting or others views affect you too much.

Just remember that if it's 50/50, childcare will be on him too. Don't be fobbed off with "you do the weeks, I will do the weekends" as you will still effectively be subsidising his career.

Get a really switched-on lawyer and remember to secure a portion of the pension too. If you have been earning very little for years, I am guessing you don't have a good pot built up.

Thank you @BigmouseLittlehouse that's really helpful.
Childcare costs are high because for the girls to continue their current lifestyle which they enjoy, it would need to be a nanny to taxi them to their after school extra curricular activities, which they love. And yes, I've included school holidays care, reasonable stuff like dance days etc in that. I know you can get cheaper childcare but don't think that's fair on them.
I like the advice of do what works for you, thank you.

The lifestyle change is the crux of it I think. We've all had a really nice life so far which is why I tried to forgive the affair the first time. It just seems really unfair that because my stbxh decided he wanted to have his cake and eat it, everybody else has to suffer. Or, I just suck it up, again, and plod on.

@TheABC yup, I've got fuck all pension pot build up ☹️

@arethereanyleftatall - I do know exactly what you mean about the unfairness of it all and particularly wanting to protect the DC from the impact. I felt exactly the same.

I wish you lots of luck and hope your ex is reasonable/generous and you can achieve that. Unfortunately my DC have now had to miss out on some of the activities they do, their lifestyle unfortunately has changed.

I’d also second getting some good legal advice - so that you and the DC are protected long term ( not all but for example some parents generosity changes when/if they have a child with the new partner etc). My aim is - to the extent possible - get to a position where I could manage if for some reason I had no contribution from the ex ( sadly not there yet!).

Just to clarify the amount from cms is before tax but after pension contributions. However I know they don’t deal above a certain amount as my friend had to have a court ruling As he earned around 120k a year. Not sure of the cut off. This would then be legally binding (court) and you could take him back for breach of a court order should be change it or not pay.
It’s different from it being put into your consent order in the divorce however.

I’d seek a bit of legal advice as how best to protect yourself in the situation you are in. As yes things are amicable now however it might not always stay that way. As much as you want to co-parent money always gets in the way and there are always disagreements stemming from it.
I’d look at your benefit entitlement, even if you jsut put it into a rainy day fund for the time being- for holidays extra things like that, as yes your ex might be a high earner - but you aren’t and he could pull the strings at any time. You would get working tax / child tax depending on where you live etc

You do need a lift strategy.

Unfortunately one income can’t be split between two households and still maintain the same standard of living so you’ll have to make compromises - eg your DDs can’t carry on with all their clubs, you find another job, etc.

You’d be best to get the finance settlement sorted now, whilst he’s still feeling somewhat close to you and before he meets someone new. He could have step-DC or more of his own DC in future, so you need to make sure you’re sorted now.