Does anyone else have a bird brained child? How did/ do you motivate them?

[reallypissedoffhouseseller]

Name changed for this.

DS is 9. He’s very bright, I think, but won’t focus properly on anything- homework is done at speed just to get it done, his handwriting is awful and he doesn’t care, he loves music but has to be nagged to practise. His teachers up to this year have liked him and let him get away with a lot, this year’s teacher has finally spotted that he’s underachieving and is on his case.

I would be inclined to let him live with the consequences of being a bit crap and unimpressive, but we live in West London and if we don’t get him into the one decent state secondary school that we have a chance at, we’d want to go private. But all the private schools, particularly for boys, are highly selective, and unless he actually wants to do well, he hasn’t a prayer.

Any tips about motivating him? Or should I just back off and give up? I’m resigned to him hating me as an adult whatever I do: either I’ll have put him under too much pressure or I’ll have not pushed him enough and let him underachieve. I don’t really know how to cope with this: DH and I were both social outcasts but academically very driven and ambitious, and I didn’t really expect to have a child with great social skills but who couldn’t be bothered with work.

Get him a one to one tutor for the subjects he struggles with.

He's not ADHD is he and its just not been picked up on because he isn't 'naughty'? Russell Barkley talks a lot about ADHD on You Tube. The basic premise of strategies is that : long term goals have to broken down into smaller steps done over time, and there has to be immediate rewards - tokens, charts, cards, artificial consequences - at the point of performance, and, unfortunately for parents, it can't be done for a few months then expected that the child will have learnt and continue - they might be for a bit then slip back, it has to be done continuously.

It is a developmental delay and a problem of self regulation, so being impaired in being able to stop and plan, visualise/recall past and what you are doing, not having that voice in your head that reminds you what you have to do and helps motivate and encourage you, sense of time (I could go on!). If you don't have those things, you can quite see that doing homework quickly is a 'solution'.

^ I should say a diagnosis isn't necessary for ADHD strategies to be useful.

Also never underestimate that your child does actually want to do well.

We have a tutor (he’s year 5 so entrance exams will be next year). The difficulty isn’t that he struggles with anything specific - he’s very competent and on the odd occasion when he really wants to try, suddenly the work is good. The tutor is finding it frustrating too!

I had wondered about ADHD, but if he’s interested enough he can focus. If I get him to start his music practice, sometimes he’ll keep going and really work at it for an hour. On the odd occasion when I’ve found a book that really engages him, he settles down to read it to the end. It’s the interest that seems to be missing, not the ability to get something done in a structured way.

Bump? Am I the only person struggling with this?

I second ADHD as a possibility. It’s a problem with regulating attention, not always a problem with focusing. I have ADHD, and I can focus on what interests me, but then I have issue stopping. Google ADHD and hyperfocus for more if an idea, see if it rings a bell.

I’ll have a look, thanks. Though (in response to holibobber) we’ve never had any luck at all with tokens or stickers- they don’t motivate him even for very short term goals.

He is exactly like me as a child - I am diagnosed with ASD as an adult but almost certainly have other neurological issues, probably ADD or inattentive ADHD.

Another voice saying adhd. He sounds a lot like my DS (10). He was diagnosed aged 8 but it was a bit of a fight as he's not 'naughty'.

He's very much away with the fairies, unless it's something he loves (which he can definitely hyper focus on!). We'd tried so many techniques to help him that we decided to try medication and it's made such a difference to him. He's now flying at school. His writing is still pretty poor but it's mostly legible and he's actually managing to get things down on paper now. He's much happier too as he can focus and he's not getting told off all the time for little things.

Cailleach, what would have worked for you as a child to help you focus?

And if it is adhd- you can't really motivate them or make them concentrate. When they have motivation they will work hard.

My DS is more motivated now- his medication helps him focus so his work is better and getting good feedback gives him more motivation. Before meds he was one of the lowest in the class in literacy (he loves maths so that's never been a problem!), now he's one of the top in the class on on track to get greater depths in all his Y6 SATS.

He's still a bloody nightmare at home. Trying to get him anywhere on time takes every ounce of my energy and patience!!

Meditation designed for children could help him a lot.

Yes I have a 10 year old ds like this. He’s in year 6 and I’m really worried at the moment. He’s very bright but is definitely under achieving. He is well behaved and a nice kind character but just isn’t putting enough effort into school work or homework. However if there is something he’s interested in such as Countries of the world, facts about those Countries, flags of Countries, aeroplanes, cars etc.. then his knowledge of those subjects is astounding.
Why oh why can’t he apply that level of effort to academic subjects??

School are irritated with him and really on his back at the moment.

My 10 year old is a bit like this and although he doesn't have an adhd diagnosis an Ed psych diagnosed dysgraphia (like dyslexia but problems writing fast enough). He now uses a laptop at school and it has made a huge difference to his writing. He is entered for some independent school exams in January and so far we have been granted permission for him to type by those we've applied to.

Meditation is an interesting idea - I've used yoga breathing techniques to get him to calm down at bedtime from time to time.

I've got ADD. Meditation really helps me to concentrate and focus (I should do it more often ).

The Cosmic Kids Yoga channel on YouTube has some brilliant guided meditation and mindfulness sessions.

Also look at dyslexia - lack of focus and handwriting - dyspraxia often linked

We tried meditation and mindfulness for my adhd son. He couldn't do it at all, too restless and can't switch it off at all.

I’ve been very alert to dyslexia as my brother has it, but he reads really fast and learnt to read early, so I discounted that. Dyspraxia doesn’t seem very likely as he plays two instruments which need a fair degree of coordination.

Look up Executive Function and Processing Speed, he may have difficulties in those areas.

Could he be totally normal and just a bit young? If he can sit and read a book to the end and play an instrument he's unlikely to be 'crap'.

My 8yo dd has a dyspraxia diagnosis. She struggles to concentrate at school and on homework. She will engage much more in homework when it is computer based rather than paper. Definitely rushes through it though with no care for presentation.

She also has terrible handwriting!

She is being assessed for Adhd but they have also mentioned something called DAMP which apparently is a crossover between the two where they have mild symptoms of both.

Maybe he's just not very academic?