Does anyone else have a bird brained child? How did/ do you motivate them?

[reallypissedoffhouseseller]

Name changed for this.

DS is 9. He’s very bright, I think, but won’t focus properly on anything- homework is done at speed just to get it done, his handwriting is awful and he doesn’t care, he loves music but has to be nagged to practise. His teachers up to this year have liked him and let him get away with a lot, this year’s teacher has finally spotted that he’s underachieving and is on his case.

I would be inclined to let him live with the consequences of being a bit crap and unimpressive, but we live in West London and if we don’t get him into the one decent state secondary school that we have a chance at, we’d want to go private. But all the private schools, particularly for boys, are highly selective, and unless he actually wants to do well, he hasn’t a prayer.

Any tips about motivating him? Or should I just back off and give up? I’m resigned to him hating me as an adult whatever I do: either I’ll have put him under too much pressure or I’ll have not pushed him enough and let him underachieve. I don’t really know how to cope with this: DH and I were both social outcasts but academically very driven and ambitious, and I didn’t really expect to have a child with great social skills but who couldn’t be bothered with work.

Trewser I acknowledge that ‘crap’ is a bit unfair. But he’s underachieving for his ability - we’ve thought so for a while and this year his teacher agrees.

'Achieving' isn't just about being bright. Its about being curious and wanting to do well and working to make that happen. Maybe he's just not hugely academically driven.

That’s entirely possible. Our dilemma as parents is that to give him the best chance of a decent education, we need to get him to a place where he at least has a hope of passing a competitive exam. If I thought he was simply not very clever, it would be easy to recognise that that isn’t realistic. But if I decide now that it’s not worth trying, we don’t bother with the exams and he doesn’t get a place at the decent state school, he’s really going to blame me when he’s older and hasn’t achieved his potential.

We can’t all have the desire to succeed academically. My dd just does what she has to to get by at school. Homework is an effort. She’s never picked up a book to willingly read for the pleasure of it. My ds is the opposite, I’m not going to force my dd to do hours and hours of tutoring or push her into grammar. I will likely make her miserable for the rest of her school days. She is not dim, she will do ok I’m sure at exam time, she won’t be getting 8s or 9s at GCSE but I’m not going to sweat it. She has many other qualities.

Why would you want to force your son to be more academic like you were, he’s not, maybe just encourage him to do what he has to and let him enjoy his one and only childhood.

Also im not sure how anyone can diagnose SN from OPs posts. Just because a child isn’t academic doesn’t mean they have SN, it’s not fair to kids who have genuine SN. Yiur son sounds normal to me.

Can’t he sit the exams? If he fails how will it be yiur fault? It will be your fault if you don’t enter him into it.

I don't want to set him up to fail, so I won't put him through an exam he won't have a hope of passing. No-one likes failing things!

Fucket, quite a few people on here have said on various threads that they wished their parents had pushed them a bit more. I don't want to force him into something that will make him miserable, but life is easier if you've got decent academic qualifications.

I had wondered about ADHD, but if he’s interested enough he can focus.

This is classic ADD. Look up hyperfocus.

I would have him assessed then ask for strategies and possibly medication.

Everyone loves to hate ADD meds, but they have totally revolutionised my DS's ability to learn, and I now wish we'd had him assessed earlier (he was 13).

@missyb1, yours sounds exactly like mine!

This sounds like my son. Also ADHD. Not diagnosed until end of year 6 as also not naughty. Now has medication for school and the change is brilliant. He at last has a positive feedback loop of working hard and it actually paying off.
He can also hyper focus on things that interest him.
i imagine when he is able to just do what he enjoys he won’t need medication any longer.

ADD diagnosed in year 6, Ritalin has made a massive difference. School couldn't see the problem as he is well behaved and dong okay but not achieving his potential. You will need a private diagnosis and well behaved kids are very under the radar.

@reallypissedoffhouseseller Medication. I am 42 now and still struggling terribly. Life barely worth living tbh. Please fight for him...it's too late for me but he is just starting out.

Exactly the same here OP. DS is in y5 and is just about average. Handwriting is awful and everything about school is rushed just so it’s done. He’s not interested in anything except reading. He is really bright but will not put any effort in. I’m awake at night worrying about secondary schools (SE London). Classmates all have tutors and are aiming for 11+, he assumes he will pass with flying colours without doing anything. It doesn’t matter what we say he sees no connection between effort/practice and success.
He does have ASD and is on a very long waiting list for ADHD assessment.

Bird brained? What the fuck. How despicable.

Jesus.

He's 10. He plays an instrument, he's doing Ok at school. I can't believe 90 percent of posts say he needs medicating.

Maybe I know a lot of underachievers but he sounds completely normal to me. It's really not his fault you live in a ridiculously competitive area for schools. Here in the south west you just go to your local comp. Does that not happen in London?

He's 9, sorry.

No, I wish it did. Our local comp is a well-thought-of church school, but we’re not churchgoers so have no chance of a place. The next nearest is also good and non-denominational, but it’s a toss-up whether he’ll get a place. No chance of a place at any other decent state school, he’d be miles away at a school no-one else wanted. And there’s a gap in the private school market for academically average kids.

I agree that the situation is ridiculous, but I can’t change it- London schools are under huge pressure. A couple of elder siblings of his classmates didn’t get a place anywhere this autumn.

Can you move?

Sounds like ADHD! Obviously we're just a bunch of random internet people, but it sounds like it's worth checking out.

Binaural beats on Youtube really help me concentrate, I find them excellent.

Not out of London: my job’s here and I can’t do it anywhere else. And in other ways this area has suited us very well, we’re near an excellent primary school. We couldn’t afford to move much closer to the good secondary school that would have us.

I don't think ADHD.

I think your ds has learnt how to get by on his personality! Which is a very clever thing for him to have learned so he obviously is clever but would rather be likeable instead of doing his work, and who could blame him 🤷‍♀️

I think we forget that school and learning can be boring. Our dc have so much more work than we did and a lot of it dull and uninspiring. Your DC does not have ADHD because he can't concentrate at 9/10 on boring school work.

I think it’s a bit sad to be describing your 9 year old DC as crap and unimpressive because they are not as academic as you expected them to be.

All these labels flying around. Some kids are just lazy and harder to motivate. I'm the same as an adult!

Fair point, squidsister. In my defence, I wouldn't have said it or thought it if he were less clever but trying his best - it's the lack of effort, not the OK results, that troubles me.

Sounds like my son. He is driving me insane as he won't do anything unless he can do it perfectly and even then half the time he doesn't bother. Mine is 8 and I see it as a terrible waste as I know he is bright. My husband identifies with it and says he was like it as a child and he became disruptive in secondary school. He left with only a couple of GCSEs but the ones he got were A's and the others all ungraded. He's successful now but still struggles with concentration so I think it likely there is an underlying cause but he def wasn't helped by his new age parents who "just knew he would be alright in the end" 😬

I'm desperate to get to the bottom of it. my husband has no clue and just gets frustrated. What's your son like socially op?