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Original poster

In Paris with DM. We've argued. Advice please.

39 replies

waytheleaveswork · 01/11/2019 16:01

It's my last day in Paris with DM. We've had three lovely days. I have tried very hard to be really considerate of her tastes and preferences, have navigated, checked with her every step of the way. Asked her opinion etc. She's had a tough year hence this trip. She's late 60s.

We were waiting to pay a bill and she tells me to wave the waitress over, I said - 'oh that one didn't speak english'. She replied angrily 'I know, I meant the one over there'. I said 'ok' in a 'calm down' sort of way. She then starts crying. Says I snapped at her and all I've done is ignore her wishes. I apologised for upsetting her, but I really don't think I've been selfish. She was really quite aggressive to me in the street saying that I always blame her for everything. It was a bit odd.

I apologised again and said I was going back to the apartment for a cup of tea and a breather, and I would see her back there. She will be expecting to go out for dinner together tonight. I feel really sad and not sure I have the energy.

What do I do? Suck it up for the last night, or go out for dinner on my own, hold my boundaries but make her angrier?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
CrumbsThatsQuick · 01/11/2019 16:05

Poor you. Not 100% sure but it sounds like she is tired from the trip and snapped. Don't let it spoil the trip. Deep breath, suck it up and try to enjoy the last night.

Original poster
waytheleaveswork · 01/11/2019 16:08

Should add, her DP is here too, so she wouldn't be alone. Sorry for drip feed!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 01/11/2019 16:12

She’s probably worn out and crotchety!
Slap a big smile on your face and give her a hug when she comes in.
Why not take her for a cocktail before dinner together, get your last night off to a good start? Wine Wine

MummaGiles · 01/11/2019 16:13

That’s tough, but if you feel you’ve been very considerate of her and she feels you’ve ignored her, it sounds like there has been some miscommunication somewhere. If you are able to, I would try and sit down and talk with her to work out where things have gone wrong. What does she feel has been ignored? What would she have liked to do differently? How was she trying to get that across to you?

Rainbowshine · 01/11/2019 16:15

Tell her the truth, you’re not sure you have the energy for dinner with company this evening and she can have dinner with her DP to give them time to themselves on the last evening of the trip.

Original poster
waytheleaveswork · 01/11/2019 16:16

Thanks for the replies so far.

Tbh she does tend to assume the worst of me, and I have had to work hard to resolve some self esteem issues stemming from that.

I have found restaurants that serve the food she has requested, asked her frequently if she'd like a rest/ down time, made breakfast every morning, organised three days worth of activities. Sorted out the language barrier, I think I feel a bit spent, and yet I also feel I have to suck it up. Really torn.

OP posts:
MrHaroldFry · 01/11/2019 16:17

You man have heard of 'grumpy old man' syndrome. It is also true if women. Age and ailments can sometimes be a trigger for crotchety behaviours.

Best advice I was given is to think of the person as you would a toddler and kill them with kindness. Love conquers most things.

Singlenotsingle · 01/11/2019 16:22

Personally, if she's got her DP here anyway, I'd quite fancy an evening on my own. Maybe you both need a break from each other.

VondaVomin · 01/11/2019 16:23

However much you like and love someone, spending a lot of time together can be very tiring. I think your DM has reached this point.

Absolutely the right thing to have some time apart now and you deserve a break too. I suspect you will have to do the meal tonight or it makes the row look bigger than it is.

Well done for working so hard to make this a good break for your DM. Have a well earned chill out for now.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/11/2019 16:24

Perhaps you over planned and over scheduled? If you had pre-set a list of restaurants and activities that you then presented to her as meeting everything she likes and would want to do- it would be very hard to say no without offending you and the effort you have put into it. She may not have actually wanted to follow your schedule but was too polite or wary of hurting your feelings. So, by day 3 the last day she’s been in Paris and there has been no spontaneity, nothing planned or arranged by her. It is understandable she feels a bit ignored.
She should not have snapped at you...obviously it has hurt your feelings and you have left her holding the bag to go back to the apartment and considering blanking her for dinner on the last night. It seems an over-reaction to me. That over reaction tells me that she has probably followed your lead on activities and restaurants to please you, because your feelings are more sensitive than most.

BlouseAndSkirt · 01/11/2019 16:24

Oh, how upsetting Sad

When she comes back could you say “I’m not sure what happened there, Mum. Do you really think I have been inconsiderate with you? I’m sorry if I have upset you and I’d like to know how” and see if she will talk about it?

It does sound as if something else is going on.

happytoday73 · 01/11/2019 16:27

As her DP is here and you (both) don't feel up to it I would just let her know you won't be joining them for dinner. Take some time for yourself...
Don't let it spoil your trip.. Just give each other some down time

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/11/2019 16:28

I am not sounding very supportive, so wanted to add I am a sensitive person and it is ok to be that way. So just sharing my experience with you that people often go along with my plans so as to not hurt my feelings and then they snap and I get very frustrated at times about that cycle. Because if they’d just said that they’d like to go here or there...I would have been fine. It may not apply to you, my experience. But I feel your hurt.

SpiderCharlotte · 01/11/2019 16:30

Could she have argued with her DP and taking it out on you?

Wouldn't she have said if you'd tried to pack too much in for her to do? Late 60s isn't really that old.

CanISpeakToYourManager · 01/11/2019 16:32

If this was me, and I can very well imagine it being me, I would do the meal. I'd apologise (in a general way for 'upsetting her') and say I hope she is okay, go for the meal and try to have a nice time. If the atmosphere was at all frosty or dramatic, I'd cut it short saying I was tired.

Then, regardless of how the meal went, bit especially if it went badly, I wouldn't ever do a trip like that with her again, and see less of her for a bit until things had calmed down.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/11/2019 16:32

It is tricky being with anyone 24/7. If her DP is there then it's fair enough to leave them to it for dinner.

I'm not sure either of you were reasonable to talk about the waitress like that but that's not your question and it's more likely tiredness than anything else.

It might actually be (counter intuitively) that by bending over backwards to try to be considerate of her needs she feels a bit useless and patronised? Not fair if she does but people are funny.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/11/2019 16:35

Perhaps you over planned and over scheduled? If you had pre-set a list of restaurants and activities that you then presented to her as meeting everything she likes and would want to do- it would be very hard to say no without offending you and the effort you have put into it

This is a really good point. I know I am guilty of over planning. I just get carried away and someone has to tell me to stopBlush

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 01/11/2019 16:39

Honestly it’s such a petty thing. Just move on, forget about it, go for dinner......

Life really is too short to ruin a trip over this

sam221 · 01/11/2019 16:45

Maybe she is feeling sad the trip is coming to an end and is unhappy about her hardships. So im guessing she was looking forward to your trip and now its over, she may feel she has nothing to look forward to-not in a grabby way.
Just go out for dinner, let her pick and just keep everything lights. Hope you enjoy at least the food!

Chottie · 01/11/2019 16:45

I agree with PP, let it go, start this evening with a cocktail and have a wonderful last night in Paris dinner :)

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/11/2019 16:50

Late 60s need not be old. It varies a great deal. I'm in my late 50s and I do get tired more easily than I did. My parents are in their late 80s and trying to think back 20 years they could do a lot more then than they do now, and not significantly less than I can do now. But my aunt, who was the same age, had slowed down hugely and wasn't in great health. She wouldn't have coped with three days of intensive sightseeing in her late 60s, my parents would have done. OP will know which is more like her mum.

AJPTaylor · 01/11/2019 16:56

3 days is plenty.
I always said 3 days is enough for me and my mum.last year she was poorly and had to stay 9 weeks😂
I would say that a large alcoholic drink is required at this point personally.

YouJustDoYou · 01/11/2019 17:04

My mum does exactly this. I have to be very careful how I respond to her, and what time of voice I use sometimes (as in, anything other than monotone is construed as whatever and sets her off) as she bursts into tears at the drop of a hat, and will go on a looooong dramatic crying session. She can be very snippy and nasty herself sometimes, but absolutely cannot take an ounce of criticism, perceived or otherwise. With my mum, it's been all my bloody life. It sounds like your mum isn't like this constantly, so maybe she's just tired o something?

Original poster
waytheleaveswork · 01/11/2019 17:08

Thanks all for the perspectives, really helpful.

To pick up a couple of things,

@Namechangeforthiscancershit - the comment about the waitress was intended as factual not derogatory - the waitress who could not speak english waved over a bilingual waitress to help us earlier on hence aiming for her again. We were very grateful, tipped well and I do try my best with my french!

I don't think I've over planned - one activity a day which we'd agreed before hand, with half of the time being spontaneous. I don't have a clipboard, I promise.

She has come back and apologised now, and been very, very upset. There are other things going on and she has acknowledged taking it out on me. I think there is a bit of tiredness/sadness which needed an outlet.

@MrHaroldFry - toddler suggestion was very useful and worked a treat in de-escalating things.

We will go out for a cocktail and then dinner and move on.

Thanks again all :)

OP posts:
managedmis · 01/11/2019 17:16

Yeah I went to Paris with my mum for three days and we ended up arguing tbh it's pretty intense.

Did you share a room?

Sounds like you've been her tour guide, translator, psychologist and accompagnateur for the weekend!

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