In Paris with DM. We've argued. Advice please.

[waytheleaveswork]

It's my last day in Paris with DM. We've had three lovely days. I have tried very hard to be really considerate of her tastes and preferences, have navigated, checked with her every step of the way. Asked her opinion etc. She's had a tough year hence this trip. She's late 60s.

We were waiting to pay a bill and she tells me to wave the waitress over, I said - 'oh that one didn't speak english'. She replied angrily 'I know, I meant the one over there'. I said 'ok' in a 'calm down' sort of way. She then starts crying. Says I snapped at her and all I've done is ignore her wishes. I apologised for upsetting her, but I really don't think I've been selfish. She was really quite aggressive to me in the street saying that I always blame her for everything. It was a bit odd.

I apologised again and said I was going back to the apartment for a cup of tea and a breather, and I would see her back there. She will be expecting to go out for dinner together tonight. I feel really sad and not sure I have the energy.

What do I do? Suck it up for the last night, or go out for dinner on my own, hold my boundaries but make her angrier?

Thanks for reading

Passe une bonne nuit waytheleaveswork !

I don't have a clipboard, I promise.

Do you want to borrow mine

Really glad all is sorted. Enjoy the well deserved cocktail

Ha @managedmis yeah it's been tiring.

No I booked a two bedroom flat with lots of space - think it saved the trip!

OP it sounds like you don't have a great relationship with her, but that you were hoping that somehow (the magic of Paris?) this trip would be different. And maybe you've tried too hard to make it so.

The fact is, she is what she is. If she is always looking to be down on you, Paris isn't going to change that. Perhaps she's had nothing to have a go at you about so far, so she leapt on this incident because she couldn't hold herself in any longer. She had to find something to criticise.

It's very difficult when your mother isn't the sort of mother most people take for granted. You keep thinking and hoping that somehow, one day, a switch will be flicked and that you'll have the loving relationship that is portrayed as the norm, and it's hard to let that hope go.

Keep believing in yourself. She has her own issues that aren't your fault. Try to work on what you level of interaction with her you can accept, but at the same time accept that she is probably always going to be this way.

Try to enjoy your evening. If there's something you'd like to do on your own, do it. Not in a 'stuff her' sort of way, but just because you're a person too and don't have to be permanently trying to please or appease her.

What Wonkybanana wrote. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Are you still trying to get her approval?

You may actually want to read the Well we took you to stately homes thread on these Relationships pages.

sounds like you are both just exhausted..from Paris, from each other. I always feel like that after a city break.over stimulated. Why not just find a cinema with an English film and kick back tonight instead of a big meal?

..with your mum I meant. Not on your own. No need to escalate the drama. Sweep it iunder the carpet

Maybe everyone felt too much pressure that the trip had to be wonderful and that’s spilled over. At least she’s said sorry and should not have taken it out on you. Maybe try smaller less ambitious things for spending time together for a bit.

I wouldn’t even take this under my notice. 3 days abroad with someone you don’t normally live with tests everyone’s patience. She’s tired and snapped. See it for what it is and nothing more. Let it roll over you. A bit of a breather from each other is exactly what’s needed. Don’t hold any grudges. Make the most of the rest of your stay.

I might be reading this wrong but it sounds like you're stepping on eggshells all the time, no matter what you do you don't get it right. I love my Mum, and in some ways she means well, but it's a constant battle. If I've got this wrong and it's a one off, then maybe suck it up and go with the flow. If not, I'd be tempted to say you're not feeling great (true) and as DM has company suggest she go out with the company she has and you'll do your own thing when you're feeling better - and then go off and do your own thing and enjoy it.

She sounds like a cow, but I'm probably projecting as this is the kind of behaviour my mother would indulge in, and she's a cow. At least you got an apology, which seems like a result. If your history with her is fractious enough that it's left you with self-esteem issues I would think about putting a bit of space between you tbh, though perhaps not tonight, which would be needlessly inflammatory. And I would go back to Paris before long on my own or with someone far less demanding and have a blast.

Are you on holiday with my mum? I’d just suck it up for the last night but wouldn’t go away with her again
A long lunch is enough for me

It's not at all unusual to row with parents on holiday and for things from the past to be dragged up. Tell me about it!!! It will blow over, she won't admit she was wrong, waytheleaveswork .

Just don't book to go away with her again.

I agree with what WonkyBanana said a while back. Very wise.

Oh, so glad she apologised. Makes all the difference to everything. Hope you can have a nice evening.