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Original poster

If your wedding was arranged knowing many guests would incurr great expense?

31 replies

LoyaltyBonus · 30/10/2019 13:46

Did you consider this in the plans and accept/know that some would not be able to or would choose not to attend?

Obviously at most weddings some invited guests will have to travel simply by virtue of the fact that friends and family can be far flung. However, I'm invited to one where (almost?) everyone will have to travel c. 5 hours. The B&G and most of their friends and families are SE based, the wedding is in Cornwall. So we have travel costs and accommodation on top of all the usual cost of attending, plus at least one day off work, and a really long journey, the kind you'd usually only make for a week or more.

There's no particular link that makes Cornwall important to the couple but it is a stunning location for a wedding, which is the reason for the choice.

I know attending isn't compulsory, but IME people do take offence if you decline!

OP posts:

Alicia9999 · 30/10/2019 13:51

You're asking the wrong crowd here - MN only thinks weddings are good if it costs a 50p bus ticket to attend and takes place in a shed in your garden.

I however had a wedding that was abroad for most of my guests (in the country where I lived). I knew my nearest and dearest were 100% on board and excited about it, but invited lots more on the understanding of, I'd love you to be there, but totally get if you can't make it. I wouldn't have been offended if people couldn't make it at all.

You know the B&G best, just explain the circumstance (or tell a while lie if it'll go down better) and send them a lovely card and small gift if you can.

Foslady · 30/10/2019 13:53

I think that it’s their look out if people decline, they should be aware that not everyone can do everything and travelling to Cornwall for a wedding is one of those things.
If you decline I’m sure you won’t be the first or last

Eventrider1 · 30/10/2019 14:16

I had my wedding on Sunday 17th December a few years ago. I knew that it was close to Christmas but early enough that most people would still be working on the Monday and therefore have to take a days holiday. I made sure that everyone was aware that whilst I would love them to be there, I wouldn't take it personally if they decided not to come due to this. Also a lot of mine and my DH family live in London which is a 3 hour drive (on a good day) to where our wedding was being held (where we now live) so would be required to stay the night before and the night after the wedding. I let everyone know that they didn't have to book at the hotel where the wedding was where even the most basic room was £120 per night, and that there was a premier inn 2 miles away and I would be arranging for mini busses to shuttle people to and from the venue from there so they didn't have to worry about driving and keep costs as low as possible for them.
I think pretty much everyone made the effort to come down but they all took up the premier inn offer rather than the posh hotel.
On the other hand, my brother recently got married, 5 hours away from where we live and we were expected to pay £300 for a room in the hotel as we 'had' to stay there and take a day off work. There was no flexibility from them (brides mother) which annoyed me a bit but that is weddings for you!

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Weddings

MaybeDoctor · 30/10/2019 14:18

We did have a wedding that was far away from where most of the guests live, but figured that once people got there and saw my disabled and terminally ill parent that they would understand...

Cornwall is lovely and there are flights from LHR and quite a few other places too if that helps?

Original poster

LoyaltyBonus · 30/10/2019 14:21

Ordinarily, I'd be excited to attend this couple's wedding and wish them well but this all feels more of a chore that it should, such a long journey for one afternoon and evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoyaltyBonus · 30/10/2019 14:23

They know we could afford it and that we'd be choosing not to go.

OP posts:

SallyLovesCheese · 30/10/2019 14:24

Our wedding was 2-3 hours drive for most people attending, it was a weekday so time off work for some, accommodation costs for a lot. I did worry about expense but thought about the costs and decided I would spend that amount to attend any of their weddings (small guest list so nearest and dearest) so hoped they would do the same for us. We were lucky and very grateful everyone came, although I'd have completely understood if some didn't want to because it was too expensive.

I think if you understand and expect the expense may put some people off, then you're fine. It's couples who get annoyed that people don't attend even though it's expensive to do so who should rethink their plans.

HairyToity · 30/10/2019 14:26

I have travelled to the Highlands of Scotland for a wedding and didn't mind. It was pre kids and we took the Friday and Monday off work. It was about 4.5 hour drive. The venue was beautiful, and we were so well looked after. Had a blast. There were about 50 guests.

I did resent the wedding in Tuscany that was nowhere near public transport. It was either hire a car or have expensive taxi, plus flights etc. The Italian wedding cost significantly more than the Scottish one.

To me, UK fine. Abroad unless you are close family or best friend then I will not entertain.

Bellringer · 30/10/2019 14:32

Take a few days and make it your holiday

TheFlis12345 · 30/10/2019 14:34

I went to a wedding a few years back where every single guest lived in the same area of the South East, but the bride and groom found a fancy venue 4 hours away and booked that. It apparently saved them thousands as it was much cheaper than similar places in our area but it cost every guest at least a couple of hundred pounds to attend with the long journey and timings meaning 2 nights accommodation were needed. Nobody was best pleased, a scaled down wedding closer to home would gave been great but they chose the selfish option.

dreichsky · 30/10/2019 14:37

Our wedding was where we lived.
None of our families were close and many friends lived far away. There was a lot of travel involved.
But we also traveled for everyone else's wedding.
Traveling within the UK without small dc seems okay to me.
But turning down the invitation is also okay.

Happyspud · 30/10/2019 14:37

We had a wedding far away for most. You know not everyone marries someone from their village and lives there making friends with locals their whole lives. It cost an utter fortune for our friends to fly from Tokyo, Singapore, New York, Australia, Denmark etc. But they did it. Nobody was obliged to. DH and I are also from different countries so one whole set would have to travel assuming the other whole set of family lived in the same location....which they don’t.

Not everyone could come, it was totally fine with us. I was overwhelmed with the effort and expense other people did go to. They are great friends!

MsTSwift · 30/10/2019 14:40

Yanbu. Totally get some guests will need to travel as lots of family and friends far flung now but seems gratuitous if the majority in place a and they randomly choose place b a long trip away for everyone. We choose my home village my family and some friends still there or at least their parents were so easy for accommodation and 2 hours from London where we and many of the guests were. All our far away weddings were because one of the couple was from the far away country so fair enough.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/10/2019 14:51

The length of journey isn't really a reason not to go. I've driven 5 hours in each direction for a work meeting of a couple of hours on many occasion.

Unless the bride and groom know the detailed ins and outs of your finances they don't know if you can afford it, which isn't really relevant. It's more about whether the outlay in terms of time and money are worth it to you for the enjoyment you'll get in going to the wedding, and if not, don't go.

itsabongthing · 30/10/2019 14:54

They’re probably hoping some people won’t make it. Will helps it with the numbers and cost!

Comefromaway · 30/10/2019 14:58

The furthest I have travelled for a wedding was to Devon for dh's best friend. However both bride and groom live in Devon although all the grooms family had to travel. As they are both teachers (and my dh is also a teacher) it was held in school holidays so we were able to turn it into our family holiday that year (children were invited).

But as a general rule I think that people who arrange weddings where the majority of guests will have to travel to should expect many will not attend.

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 30/10/2019 15:06

My dsis chose a venue 300 miles from her and grooms family. I know the village was special to them but for the 100plus attendees it was just a barn in the countryside. It cost me 3 days off work, 500 in costs for travel and air bnb, and another 500 for the hen do. Bloody ludicrous. If it was a friend I would have sent my apologies but saying no to my dsis would have caused too much hassle.

KnittingSister · 30/10/2019 15:10

It's possible for us to attend but I do begrudge spending the kind of money that would buy us a family holiday. We can afford to attend but there a lot of other things I'd rather spend the money (and annual leave) on.
I disagree that you can afford it, because it will take away your choice of how you spend your time and money. That is, you won't be able to have a holiday of your choosing.

CakeNinja · 30/10/2019 15:21

My relative recently got married. We lived the closest to the venue and it was still 3 hours away.
You can choose to spend your money how you wish. You’re not obliged to go.

BusterTheBulldog · 30/10/2019 15:26

We live and got married in a location not where either of us are from, majority of guests had to travel 90mins-hours and realistically stay over. Everyone we invited came. We did wonder if we would get declines due to travel / hotel but we didn’t.

7salmonswimming · 30/10/2019 15:27

If it feels like “more of a chore than it should”, don’t go. Nobody wants guests at their wedding who are finding it a chore being there.

If you really wanted to go, the distance and expense wouldn’t matter. In my whole life, there have been only 2 weddings that I was prepared to spend lots of money and time on (my own wasn’t one of them!). I’ve flown half way round the world because I didn’t want to miss the occasions.

I’ve turned down a wedding a 40 minute drive away because I just didn’t care for the couple enough to make even that little effort. It would be rude to have other incur expenses and make an effort for me in those circumstance.

Just don’t go.

MangoSalsa · 30/10/2019 15:33

Hmm. It depends if they do other things that reduce costs for people I.e. free bar, “no gifts, your presence is enough” policy, discount at accommodation.

When I got married we had people at one end of the country and people at the other. So we picked somewhere in between so everyone had to travel, rather than only make one side travel. We kept it small though, chose somewhere with a long ago connection for both sides and picked up room tab for most people (everyone who definitely had no option but to stay for two nights due to distance). We arranged a reasonable cost option for others and had a free bar. We also provided food for other meals (dinner day before, lunch on the day, breakfast the day after).

MangoSalsa · 30/10/2019 15:34

Gift list was also all low price items.

ThighThighOfthigh · 30/10/2019 15:39

If it feels like “more of a chore than it should”, don’t go. Nobody wants guests at their wedding who are finding it a chore being there

I think this just sums it up, if my heart sinks at an invitation I don't go.
However, if I had to travel half way across the world for a loved one I would, happily.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/10/2019 15:43

I’d not travel that far unless for close family who actually lived there. Not sure why there appears to be so much guilt in declining an invite, it’s not a summons.

We ensured ours was local to guests and that all were invited to every part so no second tier. For me, it feels very unfair to put costs onto guests for your own wants.

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