Legally married before the wedding

[Focustiec]

My fiance and I are considering a few options regarding our wedding/marriage including getting married before the wedding. Our religion prevents us from living together before marriage and this is something that he and I as well as our families and church plan to follow. However, there are several out of state job opportunities for him and we would like to go together to start our lives there. Unfortunately, we both have student loans we are currently working toward paying off and we believe that having the type of wedding we want wouldn't be a wise financial decision. We want to get legally married and then a year or so later have the actual wedding with the bridal shower, bachleor/bachelorette parties and so on. I have seen online many different opinions including some calling this selfish. We are more concerned with starting our life together without having such a financial burden preventing us from doing so. Is this a good option to further reconsider? Do you have any advice?

That sounds perfectly reasonable, and not selfish at all. Do what works for you.

I think that sounds like a bonkers idea. Having a bridal shower (what even is one of those - is it the same as a hen party?) and then the stag do etc a year after getting married is silly. Have a party maybe so that everyone can celebrate your marriage but all the rest is just pointless imo.

Either get married now or wait. Nobody wants to attend a fake wedding etc.

Marriage is about the vows, not the party and gifts.

I second the 'bonkers' comment. Either get married or don't, but don't pretend to get married a year after you're actual wedding.

Surely if your religion prevents you from living together and people don't know you're married they'll judge you anyway and the legality of it is irrelevant?

Do that if you want but you don't get the pre parties before wedding thing. Nobodies going to fork out for hens and bridal showers when you're already married. That's just a bit on the cheeky side imo.

Why is the party necessary if marriage is your priority?

I've been to weddings where the legal bit has been done in private earlier the same day, but not a year before! I think having a big party is fine, just don't call it a wedding. Bridal showers etc and wedding gifts a year into marriage are always going to come across as grabby.

Noone wants to attend a party a year after the event! Get legally married , small celebration and use what you have saved to move.

Get married now and have a party later if you want, but I cant imagine going to a pretend wedding months after the couple actually married, especially if they have been vocal about how important it is to them to be married before living together. I.e. the later "wedding" doesn't mean anything to them either.

If you want to get married straight away fine, you can have a blessing later on but not a full blown wedding - it doesn't sound as if you are planning to keep the fact that you are married secret, just that you want to do it straight away but then save up for the party element for later.

I assume you are in the USA where the student loans have been going for a lot longer than over here. Good luck with your decision whatever you choose.

Im aware of people for visa and travel issues have legally married and then had a celebration party much later. That's reasonable and understandable because the party is a fun excuse to celebrate but it's not a wedding.
I've also known people who've got married overseas (both halves of the couple are from different countries) so they've got married in one country and had a celebration with friends and family from the other later.

What you're proposing is ridiculous because you're wanting to be legally married and then want showers, hen do, stag do, big party etc years later.

If it's your religion that is preventing you from living together then surely it's the religious church bit, being married before God, that is more important than the legal bit?

I have a friend who has done this, it is your life who cares what other people think. People renew their vows and have big parties years after legally marrying due to not having the money to have a big ceremony at the time. I would lose the hen/stag do though as you will already have been married.

You could throw a party on your first anniversary perhaps as a compromise.

Having a pretend wedding a year after you got married is weird.

You could have a party, celebration, blessing, gathering, soiree afterwards to share the occasion. I would just take time to consider how it is presented.

I had friends who got married before the 'wedding' but for different reasons. They had a civil ceremony a few days before their big-party-in-a-field, because the field wasn't licensed for actual weddings. However, that was only a few day's difference.

If you're getting legally married early for religious reasons, would a civil wedding even cover this? In the UK, the (Catholic, at least) church doesn't recognise a civil ceremony as a wedding.

I see your reasons, but if your reasons are religious, I'd want to talk to the priest about a low-key church wedding, maybe where you just go for a drink with your families after to celebrate?

We want to get legally married and then a year or so later have the actual wedding with the bridal shower, bachleor/bachelorette parties and so on.

You can get married cheaply now and then have a blessing and invite people to party with you; but you can't really have a bridal shower, bachelor/bachelorette party then. You'll already be married, they will no longer be relevant.

We're skipping those things anyway; they're not very us. If you want them badly, wait to get married until you can afford what you want, do it once and do it the way you want to. That way you'll be more likely to get the wedding you want, and to have the people you want there.

If you don't mind them, go ahead now with the wedding you want now, and then perhaps plan a blessing party for your five year anniversary or something. I'd not do the second wedding next year unless you won't be inviting anyone this year.

Sounds like a good idea and is very common in my community (which is not Christian). You will not have the worries about intimacy and have the chance to get to know each other. Everyone can celebrate on your 1st anniversary how lovely 😊

Even if it is selfish what is the issue with doing it? All you're doing is the legal part of the wedding.
There is no right or wrong way of getting married! Everything is tradition, not law. Do what is right for the two of you.

I know of a few couples who have had a short registry office legal wedding and then an actual wedding party a couple of weeks later. One couple did due to budget as it was a few hundred pounds cheaper to do the legal bit at the registry office than a registrar at their chosen venue. For others i think it was due to religious ceremonies not being recognised as a legal wedding. it seemed like the celebration was actually the wedding IYSWIM.(all couples wore tradional bridal outfits at the wedding "party" )
I don't think its unreasonable to want a celebration or party but not sure anout the stag/hen parties as well if its like a year after the event.

Surely Christian marriage is about making vows before god, if you dispense with this what's the point of getting married sooner. Perhaps it's because we are liberal here but none of the couples whose weddings I've arranged have been living separately, it's the 21st century

I think it's fine to have a blessing and/or celebration later, however to expect to have hen/stag parties a year later and act like its a "normal", real wedding is a bit OTT. If you decide to get married now you're pretty much choosing to have a non "normal" wedding. Especially in a culture where people will know you're married if you live together.

I did the legal bit 4 months before, with jisy a couple of close friends as witnesses. We kept is quiet then but everyone fousn out eventually. We had an overseas wedding and couldn't do it legally there without lots of hassle

Eh? The legal part is the wedding. You're suggesting people attend a fake show.

A lot of Indian people do this when they want to work overseas and there is absolutely zero point to it especially if you come from a religious background. Nobody is as excited about the wedding and you’ll find family / priests etc cutting corners to get it done and over with. You may even find that guests prioritize other weddings where the couple haven’t gotten legally married first.

In my opinion if you want to get married just have a short simple wedding now and call it a day. You will earn more respect doing it that way