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Original poster

So bloody hurt by my friend, should I say something or just let the friendship go?

35 replies

Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:17

I’ve known her for 8 years, it’s always been pretty one sided but we have great fun together and our DS’s are good friends.

I needed a favour yesterday, it’s very rare that I ask anything of her but I was stuck for childcare. I explained that I did have a back up plan if she couldn’t help but it involved DS doing a 2 hour round trip to his cousins house and a 10 hour day for 4 hours of childcare.

Anyway, she was very apologetic and said that she couldn’t have him. She had a day out planned. I said not to worry, did she have anything nice planned? Shopping in the morning and pumpkin picking in the afternoon with her and her 2 boys.

I’ve lost count of the number of times her son’s joined us on days out. Far too many to remember. I’ve picked him up from school and nursery. I’ve had him to sleep over mid week so that she could attend a funeral and I’ve booked a morning off work to get him to school. I’ve fed her cat twice a day for a week, a ten minute drive away. I’ve made cakes for her birthday.

I just texted her back ‘enjoy’ but I’m so upset thinking about it, that she couldn’t just go a little out of her way to help me out this one time. DS’s no trouble either, he’s a good lad and he gets on great with her ds. She’s also got the whole week off work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:19

I should add this is one in a long line of let downs (cancelled or forgotten plans etc) I wouldn’t let a great friendship go over something like this but it was on the slide anyway.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 29/10/2019 10:20

Some people are just like that, personally I'd have invited him along if I was her. Anyway you know the score now so stop doing the extra for her, it obviously isn't expected or required.

Isohungy · 29/10/2019 10:21

She doesn't value the friendship the way you do- you've been a true friend. To her, you are a convenience.

Sorry OP, it hurts but you need to let this selfish cow go.

tectonicplates · 29/10/2019 10:22

It's always been pretty one sided and it was on the slide anyway. I think I'd just let the friendship fade out but not say anything.

Tobebythesea · 29/10/2019 10:22

It would make me think twice about helping her again. Yes, it’s rubbish. If you feel able to chat to her about it, I would.

AnyFucker · 29/10/2019 10:22

Freeze her out now. She's no friend.

Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:24

I actually think this is it now, the end of the friendship. My problem is that I haven’t got many friends where I live. I’ve got some lovely childhood friends but we’re spread around the country. In the town I live I’ve only got 3 and I don’t want to ruin the friendship for DS but I can’t let someone treat me like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:26

Also, she doesn’t ask me for favours anymore so I haven’t got that chance to say no. She was a single mum for a long time and I was happy to help.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 29/10/2019 10:26

She has made the level of your friendship pretty clear on her side.
You can back away and be a basic friend only or dump her for good.
I am on the dump her opinion that's why I am friendless!
Can't be doing with fair weather friendships.

BlingLoving · 29/10/2019 10:28

DS can still be friendly with her, as can you. But you need to stop doing favours. Very simply, if she asks, "I'm sorry, I can't do that as I have plans." And if she asks, tell her your plans. But there's no obligation to go out of your way.

I have a friend who we OFTEn do favours for each other and the conversations usually go like this, "Oh, we have plans... hang on, if I can borrow your car seat, I can take all three kids and maybe DH can do the shopping because I'm not sure I can face three kids at Sainsburys... Okay, sure, can you drop the kids at mine by 12:00 with the carseat as we're meeting other friends at 12:45?"

Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:30

I really just want to block her, cut her out of my life. This isn’t friendship to me. DS starts secondary school next year so I’m on countdown to him not needing me to organise his social life.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 29/10/2019 10:31

I understand her not taking your ds made your day massively more difficult but maybe she just wanted to do a nice activity with her own dcs.

Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:33

But she’s got all week to do nice activities with her own kids and I’d fully understand if it was a particularly special day out-far away or something pre booked or expensive. I’m. It expecting her to drop everything for me but it was shopping and pumpkin picking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:34

*im not

OP posts:
sparkly72 · 29/10/2019 10:34

I had a similar friend... she actually couldn't cope with taking more than her own child out- it freaked her out to have the responsibility

dancingbadger · 29/10/2019 10:37

I'm sorry it's shit when this happens. I personally wouldn't say anything for the sake of your son and just chalk it up to experience, stop putting yourself out for her and treat her as an acquaintance rather than a good friend.
The 2 important factors here are your son's social life and protecting yourself against being hurt (even if it was unintentional) again. The only way you can do this is by switching off your feelings towards her, not expecting anything from her and anything she does offer is then a bonus.
She might well be totally unaware that she's hurt your feelings and think differently about friendships then you, which can be interpreted as being a 'user' or 'fair weather' friend but some people are just far less invested in having close and reciprocal friendships than others unfortunately.

Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:37

I’d like to think that was the reason but I don’t think it is in her case.

OP posts:
ButteryGarlic · 29/10/2019 10:37

I don't know what your relationship is like generally but I think you are being a tad unfair. Just because you go above and beyond to help her out doesn't mean she is required to do the same. Maybe she was taking other children along and her car was full, maybe her dc is having a hard time and really needed the 1:1 time with his mum, maybe she simply thought that you had a back up plan so it wasn't crucial if she said no.

In the ideal world then of course she'd drop everything if you needed help with childcare, but that's not the way it works unfortunately.

Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:39

dancingbadger

Thankyou, that’s good advice, I’ll take it on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halfie2794 · 29/10/2019 10:41

ButteryGarlic

Yeh I do understand what you’re saying. I don’t think there’s any malice to it but it’s very hard not to feel used when I think of all the things I’ve done for her over the years.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 29/10/2019 10:43

Personally I would distance myself. Don't be rude, still smile, wave, speak. But no more offering help or favours. She doesn't deserve it if she won't reciprocate.

timshelthechoice · 29/10/2019 10:48

I'd just stop setting up things with her and not do any favours and let her drift.

ButteryGarlic · 29/10/2019 10:50

Yeah I get that, OP. I would feel hurt as well but as someone who has been through this (with my own sister of all people), I know it doesn't always come from a lack of caring or love. Sometimes people just don't think. Reminding myself that I can only control how I behave, and always be true to myself and my own values, has helped me considerably. I want people to treat me how I treat them but if they don't then it's rarely a reflection of me or how they view me, it's down to their own personality.

wheelywheelynice · 29/10/2019 10:52

What a selfish cow. Friends help each other out. I would distance myself from her for sure.

Waterandlemonjuice · 29/10/2019 10:53

She’s not your friend.

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