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Original poster

How to deal with trying to invite themselves to stay over at my house?

55 replies

Honeybee85 · 29/10/2019 06:54

I live with DH and DS (who is just a small baby) in a country in Asia that is as far as I know, quite high on many people’s bucketlist for visiting. We live in the most interesting part of the country which is rather expensive and attracts many tourists.

We live in a small wooden house with rather bad soundproofing and have 1 bathroom and a seperate toilet. So if we have a house guest who is staying with us, we don’t have a lot of privacy left for us. Also, we have a study room that DH regulary uses so guests have to stay in DS’s room (because he’s so young he still sleeps in our bedroom though). Since I moved here, I noticed that some people I know from back home are eager to visit us here and say things along the lines of : “Oh I would really love to visit you guys there’ (former male colleague that I never really were close with), “I can’t wait to meet my nephew” (my brother who hasn’t shown nearly any interest in my son since he was born, who couldn’t even be arsed to say congratulations on my pregnancy or send so much as a card after DS was born and hasn’t asked in months about his ‘nephew that he can’t wait to meet’). The most CF of all was a Facebook friend, the wife of my ex’s friend who approached me on FB messenger, pretending to be interested to catch up after what has been at least 4 years and who expressed wanting to come here to meet up and started to ask very expressly about hotel recommendations in our area and who was clearly fishing for an invitation to stay at our home as she never replied to me again after I gave her some and told her I would be happy to show her around.

We are not really inhospitable people, we had my best friend staying here last month and did everything we could to make her stay here as comfortable as possible and she genuinly thanked us for our hospitality and generosity towards her when she left. The thing is, I just don’t want people to stay with us that we are not that close with. I don’t want to give up my privacy or spend effort and money on utilities and food (both are really expensive here and we are on a budget) to be clearly used as some kind of free Air BNB by people that I wouldn’t spend time with if I had not immigrated to here. I don’t mind showing them around for a day or inviting them for a tea or a dinner but that’s it.

Still, I feel it would be rude to tell them straight away: I would like to meet up, but you unfortunately can’t stay at our home. Ofcourse you would be very welcome for a tea/dinner.
Instead I try to not react, give excuses along the lines of: “we will have guests at that time” or similar or in case of the CF from Facebook pretending that I don’t understand that they’re fishing for an invitation.

Or wouldn’t it be rude? What do you think?

Disclaimer: my native language isn’t English so my apologies in advance if this post isn’t grammatically correct.

OP posts:
BezalHell · 29/10/2019 06:58

It's not rude to tell them they can't stay in your home. It's perfectly reasonable!

escape · 29/10/2019 06:58

Honestly, you are over thinking this!
You know exactly why they are fishing.
Having lived in 3 x touristy places before, I share your pain.
I think the 'feign innocence' option is a good one!

Whynotnowbaby · 29/10/2019 07:01

We have similar as we also live in a touristy place. I think you have to be relatively blunt (after all these people are not actually your friends!) “Yes DB it would be great if you wanted to meet ds, I will be in England over Christmas or maybe you could holiday around here and see him at the same time, there are some lovely hotels near us”, “I’m sorry, we don’t have the space to accommodate you but we can recommend some great hotels and would love to catch up if you do come over”. It’s not unfriendly or untrue but makes it clear you’re not going to be providing free accommodation.

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2019 07:02

Just tell them there's no space in your home, but x hotel is great etc.

TanteRose · 29/10/2019 07:04

just say no, its not possible to stay with you - keep saying it!
and keep sending lists of hotels and BnBs.

They will get the message Smile

and don't feel bad about it! its your home - you can say who can stay and who can't.

Squigean · 29/10/2019 07:06

'Oh, it's a shame we don't have the room to put you up. We just don't have the space. I'd love to meet up with you though'

Not rude. Not a lie (well except the shame bit)

CaptainMyCaptain · 29/10/2019 07:07

'Our house us too small to have guests but I can recommend some good/cheap hotels and would love to show you round.' That's not rude.

Orchardgreen · 29/10/2019 07:07

I live near London. Friends of mine came to stay, then mentioned they had tickets for a show. “Lovely” said I. “Oh we didn’t get one for you” they said.

Reallybadidea · 29/10/2019 07:11

"I'm sorry, we don't have the space for house guests". It's not rude at all - if anything, they're the rude ones for inviting themselves!

Your grammar is great BTW.

Ginfordinner · 29/10/2019 07:14

Honestly, it isn't rude at all to tell potential visitors that you don't have room to put them up, and that you can recommend hotels for them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/10/2019 07:15

Either ignorance or say something like 'that sounds lovely, when you're in the area it would be nice to meet somewhere for lunch. I can also recommend some reasonably priced hotels'.

SnowsInWater · 29/10/2019 07:21

If they are people you are not close to I wouldn't be bothered making any kind of an excuse. If they show interest in visiting "do you need any recommendations for hotels/places to stay?" makes it clear there is no bed being offered. For people you want to be a bit more gentle with as others have said "sorry, we don't have the space to put you up, do you need....." is fine.

cherryblossomgin · 29/10/2019 07:25

Send them hotel recommendations and don't offer your home. Say that it would be lovely to meet up on their holiday. If they ask say no sorry, I don't have space for visitors. I am surprised that people just assume that they can stay with you.

cherryblossomgin · 29/10/2019 07:28

Want to add that it's not rude to say no. My grandparents now say no, they live abroad but its alot to have us their for a fortnight.

nannybeach · 29/10/2019 07:33

Your English was brillianet and your post very well written, you HAVE to be firm NOW. We didnt live in a fancy touristy place, but very near a big airport, (well about 15 miles away) Before I met my 2nd DH he had a 3 bedroom house, alone after 1st wife left. We had 3 beds, but 3 kids still living at home, I used to try and get them to friends for sleepovers, so we had spare beds. Gave up OUR bed for people flying away on holiday, (ened up squashed on a 2 seater sofa) collecting and delivering them to the airport, sometimes in the middle of the night, paying for parking. In the end, we were messed about, 2 of DH relatives expected me to be able to walk out of a hospital shift, (nursing busy acute ward) to collect them and run them to mine, because by now, my DH used to become ill getting up in the night, he had work the next day, I was trying to sleep with up to 5 people yacking away downstairs with no thought for me. It was difficult to stop, because he had done it for years. the ones you want to stay, give them a sofa!

chatwoo · 29/10/2019 07:43

Just tell people politely but firmly that you live in a small house with just one bedroom, so it's not possible to host guests. But would love to see you, happy to recommend hotel, things to do and so on...

Your English is excellent by the way - don't apologies for it!

user1493413286 · 29/10/2019 07:46

I would give hotel recommendations and say you’d be happy to show them around; if pushed say it’s not convenient to stay at yours at the moment and save hosting for people you want to see.

ThatMuppetShow · 29/10/2019 07:49

Of course it's not rude.

First don't offer, prepare a list of hotels and accommodation you can suggest.

If they directly ask, just decline. You don't need to give too much details.
Sorry you don't have the space if they insist.

I have a pretty much open house policy here, but even so there are many occasions when I refused to have visitors: house was already full, we had some work done and it was a mess, I had plans...

It's not rude. Unless you have stayed in somebody's house for a lengthy stay in the past, and you really should reciprocate one way or another, just decline and don't worry about it.

Your reply to that woman on FB was spot on!

NonUrinatInVentum · 29/10/2019 07:50

I'm the same. I live near Geneva so in the summer we have people fishing for an invite to have a nice lakeside holiday.

As we're really close to some of the biggest ski resorts in France, Italy and Switzerland (Chamonix, Les Gets, Morzine, Courmayeur, Mont Blanc, Zermatt etc) we get CFs fishing for winter invites.

We just say that we'd love to see them and here are the hotels we recommend near the lake or near the ski resorts. It's hard OP, you feel so used.

category12 · 29/10/2019 07:51

When they're fishing, just say "oh it'd be lovely to see you if you come over - there are some great little hotels nearby" and that makes it clear without being rude in the least that you've no intention of inviting them to stay.

fedup21 · 29/10/2019 07:52

who expressed wanting to come here to meet up and started to ask very expressly about hotel recommendations in our area and who was clearly fishing for an invitation to stay at our home as she never replied to me again after I gave her some and told her I would be happy to show her around.

Just continue with replies like this. Say you haven’t got a spare room so can’t have house guests.

Dollymixture22 · 29/10/2019 07:54

We’re not really set up for house guests but would love to see you and can recommend some reasonably priced hotels close by.

OneTerrificMouse · 29/10/2019 07:55

First don't offer, prepare a list of hotels and accommodation you can suggest.

What is the OP some sort of admin assistant?

I'd probably say 'I haven't stayed at any hotels round here so can't recommend any, but do let us know what dates you are over and we'll see when we can meet up for lunch'.

category12 · 29/10/2019 07:58

Say you haven’t got a spare room so can’t have house guests.

No, don't give practical reasons why they can't stay - some people will use that as an opening to find loopholes - "we don't mind the sofa!" etc etc. No no no. Don't give an opening, just straight to hotel accommodation suggestions.

Bellringer · 29/10/2019 07:59

Brought up by the sea. Always had more friends and relations in the summer.

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