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Original poster

How to deal with trying to invite themselves to stay over at my house?

55 replies

Honeybee85 · 29/10/2019 06:54

I live with DH and DS (who is just a small baby) in a country in Asia that is as far as I know, quite high on many people’s bucketlist for visiting. We live in the most interesting part of the country which is rather expensive and attracts many tourists.

We live in a small wooden house with rather bad soundproofing and have 1 bathroom and a seperate toilet. So if we have a house guest who is staying with us, we don’t have a lot of privacy left for us. Also, we have a study room that DH regulary uses so guests have to stay in DS’s room (because he’s so young he still sleeps in our bedroom though). Since I moved here, I noticed that some people I know from back home are eager to visit us here and say things along the lines of : “Oh I would really love to visit you guys there’ (former male colleague that I never really were close with), “I can’t wait to meet my nephew” (my brother who hasn’t shown nearly any interest in my son since he was born, who couldn’t even be arsed to say congratulations on my pregnancy or send so much as a card after DS was born and hasn’t asked in months about his ‘nephew that he can’t wait to meet’). The most CF of all was a Facebook friend, the wife of my ex’s friend who approached me on FB messenger, pretending to be interested to catch up after what has been at least 4 years and who expressed wanting to come here to meet up and started to ask very expressly about hotel recommendations in our area and who was clearly fishing for an invitation to stay at our home as she never replied to me again after I gave her some and told her I would be happy to show her around.

We are not really inhospitable people, we had my best friend staying here last month and did everything we could to make her stay here as comfortable as possible and she genuinly thanked us for our hospitality and generosity towards her when she left. The thing is, I just don’t want people to stay with us that we are not that close with. I don’t want to give up my privacy or spend effort and money on utilities and food (both are really expensive here and we are on a budget) to be clearly used as some kind of free Air BNB by people that I wouldn’t spend time with if I had not immigrated to here. I don’t mind showing them around for a day or inviting them for a tea or a dinner but that’s it.

Still, I feel it would be rude to tell them straight away: I would like to meet up, but you unfortunately can’t stay at our home. Ofcourse you would be very welcome for a tea/dinner.
Instead I try to not react, give excuses along the lines of: “we will have guests at that time” or similar or in case of the CF from Facebook pretending that I don’t understand that they’re fishing for an invitation.

Or wouldn’t it be rude? What do you think?

Disclaimer: my native language isn’t English so my apologies in advance if this post isn’t grammatically correct.

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 29/10/2019 07:59

I would be very direct from the first response “ It would be lovely to see you if you are in the area. Unfortunately we can’t offer to put you up in our accommodation, but I can give you contacts for some some reliable places”

“Great, it’s always nice to see people. We have no space in our little place for guests to stay but...”

That is informative, not rude.

ThatMuppetShow · 29/10/2019 08:03

OneTerrificMouse

you sound charming Hmm

If friends ask for recommendation to stay in the area, why not give them?
I live in London, I have many people asking me for advice - and they are not trying to bag a free accommodation in my place either. It's just easier to do it once.

Berthatydfil · 29/10/2019 08:07

Just say - let me know your plans and where you are staying it would be great to catch up and I can show you round x or y for an afternoon.

Then if they don’t take the hint
We aren’t set up for guests so that really won’t work for us - rinse and repeat

If they are really think skinned
No that’s not possible you cannot stay with us.

WonderGirl11 · 29/10/2019 08:12

I live in a touristy place. I’m very happy to let friends use my house if I happen to be away when they come here. I also really like meeting up with friends and (not quite) friends who visit the area and help them get the most of their trip. I’ve also had truly great trips to other places when people I kind of know have been super kind sharing a bit of local knowledge. Sharing my house with people I hardly know is a no though!

karala · 29/10/2019 08:19

What lots of others have said: be bright and breezy and say it would be lovely to catch up and you are happy to give advice about hotels/hostels and various places to visit. And your English is great

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 08:21

Agree with CaptainMyCaptain:-
"Our house us too small to have guests but I can recommend some good/cheap hotels and would love to show you round."

ChickenyChick · 29/10/2019 08:24

You have clear boundaries, stick to them

Suggest a hotel

ControversialFerret · 29/10/2019 08:24

Don't apologise - nothing to be sorry for.

Be firm and direct - that way you don't leave any room for misunderstanding (deliberate or otherwise).

E.g. Lovely to hear from you. We don't have room for guests but there are plenty of hotels nearby - let us know if you want to meet up whilst you're in as it would be great to see you.

LittleMissEngineer · 29/10/2019 08:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Honeybee85 · 29/10/2019 08:35

Thanks everyone for your responses and the advice - it’s good to hear that it would be totally acceptable to mention clearly from the beginning that they shouldn’t expect to be invited for a stay at my home!

I am a bit of a pleaser by nature plus I was brought up to always be welcoming to visitors at home. My mother even allowed her sort of SIL (who also lived abroad but never bothered to visit us when she was in the country, only her own immediate family) to stay with her for a month when she couldn’t pay for a hotel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeybee85 · 29/10/2019 08:36

Sorry SIL - not sort of SIL Blush

OP posts:
LipSyncForYourLife · 29/10/2019 08:37

I find “Oh No. I’m too old for all that nonsense!” Followed up with a hearty laugh, tends to let people know where I stand. 😂

LazyLizzy · 29/10/2019 08:43

let me know your plans and where you are staying it would be great to catch up and I can show you round x or y for an afternoon

I'd go with this. No point making excuses about your house being small, even if you had the space you wouldn't host a CF from fbook.

Most of their trips won't come off once you set them straight from the beginning. Don't be wishy washy or vague.

OneTerrificMouse · 29/10/2019 08:45

you sound charming Hmm I have boundaries, what of it?

If friends ask for recommendation to stay in the area, why not give them?

Because as the OP knows, they aren't after hotels or accommodation and it is not her job to produce lists of hotels in the area. How would she know if they were good or not, she doesn't stay in them as she lives there.

regmover · 29/10/2019 08:55

Some of these replies aren't great really. You don't need to refer to anyone staying with you or not, or the size of your house. Nor do you need to prepare lists of places to stay. These days it's very easy to look on-line and make decisions about booking hotels etc.
All you need to say is "Great, it will be lovely to see you while you're over. There are a lot of places to stay in this area. Let me know when you've booked and we can arrange to meet up a few times when you're here and we can show you around".

bobstersmum · 29/10/2019 08:59

To be honest they won't save much by staying with you will they? It's the flights that will cost the most the accommodation is usually negligible or am I wrong? Just ignore them.

Thegoodandbadlife · 29/10/2019 08:59

I’d simply reply. It would be lovely to see you after so long. Let me know if you need any hotel reconditions nearby and the dates when you’re here. I’ll be happy to meet up and show you around!

Thegoodandbadlife · 29/10/2019 09:00
  • recommendations
Xiaoxiong · 29/10/2019 09:05

We have similar, I now say "it would be so lovely to see you while you're here, let me know your schedule, we'd love to have you over for dinner and I'll take an afternoon off and show you round, let me know which day works for you". This really flushes out who wants to see us, and who the CFs are who just want free room & board and don't really want to see us.

museumum · 29/10/2019 09:10

Ive a few friends on the other side of the world I might mention “visiting”. It doesn’t mean I want to stay in their house for a week - that’s not a holiday for anyone.
I’d hope that if we did go ahead the friends would recommend somewhere to stay near them and things to do and that we’d spend at least a daytrip out with them (the kind of place they go not the big sites) and they’d maybe take us to a “locals” bar or restaurant so we got a real flavour for the place rather than just touristy stuff.

GlitteredAcorns · 29/10/2019 09:21

I lived in London for many years and fell for this so many bloody times, welcoming people who wanted to 'see me'. I must be thick because it took me many years to realise that they just wanted to see London, not me, but I also come from a culture where staying in people's houses is the done thing.

Except I never once got an invite back from anybody, ever.

The way I would think about this is, would this person ever do the exact same thing for me? If you know the answer is no, then absolutely do not put yourself out for them.

People who you barely know contacting you out of the blue and fishing for an invite are rude, so I wouldn't be too worried about being rude back. Not that saying you cannot accept visitors is rude at all.

doginthemanger · 29/10/2019 09:21

museumum, If you talk about visiting your friends and don't say at once that you would of course be staying in a hotel, you would risk sounding as if you are hoping to be invited to stay at their house.

GlitteredAcorns · 29/10/2019 09:22

Oh and I forgot to say, I left London 4 years ago and no one wants to 'see me' now...

TreePeepingWatcher · 29/10/2019 09:23

I wouldn't mention your house at all. Just a well of course it is a beautiful place, I can recommend some lovely hotels/airbnbs and we can meet up for lunch/dinner.

If you say you can't have people in your house they will just end up saying oh we can just sleep on the floor/sofa etc. Your first response should not make any apologies, why on earth does someone visiting your area mean you have to put them up?

Skittlesandbeer · 29/10/2019 09:25

You have two bedrooms, and three people living there already? That should surely be enough to say?! No one needs to know your little one sleeps in with you, none of their business. Soon enough it’ll be true he’s using his room full time.

I’m dealing with a similar lot of ‘fishing for invites’ aquaintances at the moment. I can almost hear the flight deals dropping in the northern hemisphere inboxes of everyone we know, tempting them to go south for the winter. In August some distant French cousins of DH announced they were coming to see us at Christmas. Gave us arrival & departure dates (a month apart). That’s all. No plans, bookings or requests, apparently just an assumption I’d play travel agent? I’d never even met one of them. I made several attempts to ask their plans, then just said ‘Oh well, let us know where you’re staying and if we’re not away it’d be great to have lunch and see your travel pics!’. No doubt I’m the family ogre now, but I don’t care to play chicken with invitations that interrupt my hard-earned family holiday time. Trust me, it gets easier as you get older (and grumpier!). My advice is play up the ‘my baby cries incessantly’ until they all lose interest.

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