How to stop always comparing and wanting more?

[JMAngel1]

I just always seem to have a wish list - mainly to do with our house. We bought it 8 years ago and it was pretty much a gut it job so we have done it slowly, practically a room a year.
The wish list never seems to end - for example still need to revamp entry way and front of house and drive, back garden is a literal bomb site (pretty embarrassing as we live on a street that opens it's gardens annually for charity with RHS - hah!).
I also would like rugs for living room areas, an armchair just to make it all a bit more cosy and a coffee table - we just put mugs/plates on floor at mo.
Over the next few years, we would love a loft conversion so my DDs didn't have to share and we could have more than one toilet/bathroom.
It's all soooo much money!
Everywhere I look, friends are having double wrap around extensions, moving to houses close to half a million (and they still need gutting!!), getting new cars (mine is 8 years old and a bit temperamental). How are they doing it?? I feel guilty with my wish list sometimes and know that I should be content as I have my family, health, a good job etc but I don't like the feeling of embarrassment when people come and visit and see the state of our house at front and out back.
I also have a vague plan of going to New York for my 50th in 3 years time - I need to stop this madness.

Two easy things that can shift your mindset.

Start a practice of gratitude. Every morning and every evening think of a few things you are truly grateful for. You can write them.down, just think about them or talk about them at breakfast and dinner with your family.

Stop going on Pinterest, social media, travelling blogs, home improvement sites, etc.

If you shift your focus from all the things you don't have, to everything you've got, you will start noticing and enjoying the abundance in your life. I know this may sound bonkers, but I can get excited about my veg box for example. I'm genuinely so grateful for the variety of delicious food that I didn't have to grow that turns up on my doorstep every week. I'm obviously also very grateful for much bigger things, such as my healthy children, but the key is to learning to be thankful even for small things.

I hope you find a way to switch your thinking. X

I would keep in mind that a lot of people feel that way; we bought a new build and I still always feel that there is more to do/buy and I think that’ll always be the case as there will always be something that needs doing if I put too much focus into that. I also know that it’s the same for my close friends: at times I’ve thought it wasn’t but when I’ve asked them they’ve all talked about things like new kitchens, cars and holidays that they want.
I like the PPs advice about the practice of gratitude as I want to feel more content with what I have.

I could have written your post! Right down to the loft extension and un-affordable Birthday trip to New York in a few years.
It's a hard task to appreciate what you have and you're right... when there's so much to be done... it does seem that everybody finds these things easy to afford.

I found after turning 35, I was almost going through some kind of grieving process for the life that I thought we would have. It felt ridiculous and I was embarrassed. (And by 'life' I probably meant 'things') We were going to take our children to Florida every 3 years for petes sake and now have to scrimp for a long weekend in a caravan!

I like the pp 'gratitude' suggestion. I'm going to try this myself.

There was a list going round on Facebook the other day, and it helped me somewhat- if you could tick off the ten things on the list then you were richer than 90% of the worlds population or something. Things like that help me keep perspective.

There is a big difference between having things that make you happy and finding happiness in things xx

I don't think I've worded that last phrase right but hopefully you get the gist

I’ve looked back at how much pleasure getting xxx or having yyy done actually gave me.
The reality is that it rarely actually changed my life. I got a boost fur a very short time. A feeling that having xxx will make a huge difference/solve a problem just to realise a few days later it really doesn’t.

So each time, I’ve wanted something I’ve thought back to those times and asked myself if it would REALLY make a difference and make me happier/make my life easier/better.

The answer us that it rarely does which means that it’s much easier to let it go.

I think its ok to want to enjoy home decoration or fashion etc even on a tiny budget.
DMs HA house and garden, are beautiful. A lot of the furniture is 2nd hand and upcycled and they've done a lot of the garden themselves.
My friends are quite into fashion and make up - I join into with my ebay bargains, and using coconut oil for everything. They just think I'm being eco friendly!

Mainly I just remember how lucky I am, my friends have more money than us but they have their own problems with relationships or health etc. Everyone has something in their lives they'd like to change.

The gratitude journal looks like a great idea - just started writing a list this morning. Rain against window whilst drinking coffee, DDs happily carving pumpkins, DH kissing me this morning, fruit bowl full, gingerbread cookie candle lit and smelling delicious.
I think all this stems from never feeling "enough" - not smart/pretty/wealthy enough. I need to maybe research this a little and find some strategies to help.

Read the book status anxiety by Alain de botton. It’s an easy read but very very accurate.

Ha ha. Also could have written your post. My reality however is that I'm the type of person who wouldnt be able to change my mindset sufficiently to avoid the comparison (much as I'd love to).

I've managed to find lots of furniture / decorative pieces on local FB selling sites (helps that we live in naice area where people seem to change decor regularly), Ebay, cheaper / outlet type stores.

As for 50th trip - me too in 3 yrs. Friends and I have started putting £20 a month in a group savings account - we'll have £1k each by the time we plan to go. Would that work - small manageable payments?

Not sure what to suggest about the garden though...

DC & I know a range of people, including families where only one adult works (nr min. wage) who have 4 kids in a 3 bedr council house, or where the family of 4 lived in a 2 bed flat for 10 yrs above the family business (working all hours of the week). Holidays might = 1 week in a borrowed caravan at mate's rates. Someone who stole fruit to feed self due to no food in the house, or who have been on benefits for 30 yrs due to chronic mental illness.

How do you not know people who would see you as being very put together, lucky & well off?

I used to live in a lovely Victorian house in a naice area until I separated from ex, we sold house and I ended up in a small modern flat with my dc that I would never have imagined living in. But I was so happy to be shot of ex and starting afresh, I was thrilled to find it and still love it. Of course i could use more space and as a pp said I do work on improvements and making it look nice, which I enjoy. but the experience has taught me that the whole comparing and envy that goes on between the people in the nice houses means nothing and doesn’t make anyone happy. I’m happier now living in a place that the old me would never have considered in a million years.

I know it’s easy to get caught up in, I used to do it too - but you can see the bigger picture. When it rains, you’re cosy in your own home. You can buy whatever food you like and snuggle in a soft bed or have a bath. You have a car - you can jump in it and zoom off somewhere. It sounds daft but I’m not being flippant - I genuinely appreciate these things now! Also have an old car and I adore it. Because I didn’t know if all this would be possible when I was considering leaving ex and our middle-class life.

It's fine to want to improve your home or whatever as long as you keep things in proportion and recognise you are actually very lucky and in a privileged position compared to a huge number of people in the world. When you start getting sucked into comparing yourself to the Joneses and feeling a bit 'poor me' just think of some of these people and maybe make a small contribution to charity.

It’s not unusual to compare what you have with what others have and hope for more. But then there are others, lots of others who have less, far less sometimes.

People are often scathing about things like mindfulness, but the gratitude list, appreciating the small things and being grateful for things you do have helps I think.

You can have the money to go on trips, extend the house, buy whatever you want, but family, friends, health can’t be bought. Peace of mind is a great gift.

I empathise OP. We bought a wreck of a house then a few years later DP lost his job and was out of work for a year . He now earns half his previous wages. No spare cash for home improvements and to be honest he does not see how bad it is. I do the best I can but I lose heart when I get no support.
I had to cancel a dream holiday for a significant birthday as DP suffers with depression and was quite bad at the time.
My friends have been able to take early retirement and have new cars ( I drive a 15 year old banger), kitchens and holidays though a couple do have health problems.
It's hard not to be envious but I do have lovely children and grandchildren and some great friends for which I am grateful. I would just like to be able to have friends round without feeling ashamed.

My top tip for limiting jealousy is not to compare parts of your life to parts of theirs - remind yourself that if you had their extension you'd have to have their job/husband/family whatever. Otherwise you end up comparing your life to cherry picked bits of other people's - 'I want Sarah's house, Emily's job, David's kids, John's parents, Louise's holidays' and of course your life doesn't measure up compared to the best bit of everyone else's.

OP, I think you are right that this is often linked to not 'being enough'. It's still not the common mindset to radically accept yourself as you are right now. You are good enough, smart enough, pretty enough and you have enough. You can truly believe this and at the same time still study, learn, exercise, take parenting classes, improve your home, etc. But you won't think that those things will fix you, because you don't need fixing. The focus shifts and life becomes quite wonderful.
Glad you could so quickly think of a bunch of stuff that you can be grateful for. It's a much nicer way to live.

A lot of it is also based on pleasing others and fitting in rather than what you yourself want. For example you say want a nice garden to avoid embarrassment and fit in with the neighbours more than for its own sake. I'm not saying you wouldn't like a nice garden but that is the biggest reason you mentioned. If you can work on letting other people's judgement affect you less that will help. It's not about not caring at all about what others think but changing your belief on the importance of their feelings about you.

I think doing something to your front garden/drive would make you feel better?

Can you...
Weed and clear back as much as you can
Power wash any stone
Couple over very large potted bay or ow love tress by front door
Box/lavender look great lining a drive
You could gravel or wood chop other areas whilst waiting for some cash to properly landscape

I think if you can see a physical change in the front of your house it will make you feel good!

Agree with all of the above. I also heard somewhere (might have been in the Alain de Boton book actually) about a really interesting thought experiment. Think about all the things you want (not need); now imagine that all the humans in the world other than you disappeared tomorrow. Everything else remains exactly as it was. Now that no one else will come into your front room, do you really care about having a coffee table? You could take any fancy car you want- but there's no one to see you drive it. Does it still seem as desirable? I find this really helpful in terms of realising how many of my 'wants' are actually about how I present myself to other people; if other people were no longer something to consider, I would be 99% less bothered about all the stuff. I take this to mean that these desires aren't somehow innate and therefore are not something I have to worry about - I can choose not to be bothered. Do I really care so much about what other people think that it's worth making myself unhappy over? Not sure I've explained very well but thought I'd share as I find it useful!

I am so glad I have found this post today because I have been feeling the sane recently. We moved into an amazing house which is basically my dream home but needs SO much doing. And I follow all of the usual amazing homes on Instagram and stuff, I know I shouldn’t be comparing but I still do it... I am also going to try the gratitude journal thing, such a lovely idea. Also I love stationary so I will treat myself to a nice notebook to write in

I constantly struggle with not being enough and I think that’s reflected in my out of control spending on DD. I’m constantly envious of whatever people can give their children and then try to replicate it. I have a good like but social media makes me feel like it’s not enough. Though I don’t know why I feel bad I can’t afford designer stuff when realistically I will never ever be able to afford it.

What I don’t like is people saying because you have it better than other people you should be happy. I find that very patronising to people deemed to not have enough and insulting that we use them to make ourselves feel better.

I know the feeling (we bought a wreck which still needs much work 10 years on), and every time I meet my wealthy SIL or certain old school friends, I'm left feeling discontent with it.

However our house is in an area where most people are less well off than us, so as soon as I come home, I feel pretty happy again, and certainly compared to a few years ago, we have a large, warm, solid house with no draughts that's cheap to heat, and half of it looks lovely. Most people round the world would love it.

Especially in winter, I try to count my blessings every day, but also think about what improvements would make me feel better quickly even if they aren't as 'important'. A birdhouse and hanging basket out the window probably made me as happy as the whole extension!

@museumum
Now I have clever status anxiety as I just read an extract from that book and there is no way I would describe it as an "easy read"!

Argh sorry.
But honestly if you read the book he walks you through it. I think an excerpt might be a lot harder than the whole thing where he goes through step by step from our daily experiences to the bigger picture.