How to stop always comparing and wanting more?

[JMAngel1]

I just always seem to have a wish list - mainly to do with our house. We bought it 8 years ago and it was pretty much a gut it job so we have done it slowly, practically a room a year.
The wish list never seems to end - for example still need to revamp entry way and front of house and drive, back garden is a literal bomb site (pretty embarrassing as we live on a street that opens it's gardens annually for charity with RHS - hah!).
I also would like rugs for living room areas, an armchair just to make it all a bit more cosy and a coffee table - we just put mugs/plates on floor at mo.
Over the next few years, we would love a loft conversion so my DDs didn't have to share and we could have more than one toilet/bathroom.
It's all soooo much money!
Everywhere I look, friends are having double wrap around extensions, moving to houses close to half a million (and they still need gutting!!), getting new cars (mine is 8 years old and a bit temperamental). How are they doing it?? I feel guilty with my wish list sometimes and know that I should be content as I have my family, health, a good job etc but I don't like the feeling of embarrassment when people come and visit and see the state of our house at front and out back.
I also have a vague plan of going to New York for my 50th in 3 years time - I need to stop this madness.

@forkfun
Yes this is what I need - to feel enough.
How did you get to this mindset?
I am far too critical of myself and my surroundings. I do appreciate all of the lovely changes we have made to our house so far but in a way they just highlight the contrast between areas that have and haven't been revamped.

Status anxiety Ted Talk

Honestly, I think the way to do this is to just turn off the tv, stop buying magazines which are entirely designed to create dissatisfaction for which they can then sell you resolution, redirect your websites from things like Pinterest and Houzz to something more nourishing, whatever is nourishing to you. Maybe you'd like Duolingo, or Yoga, or something else. Think seriously about what really creates contentment and satisfaction, get off the hedonic treadmill, and make more time for simple pleasures: clean sheets, a cup of coffee with a friend, walking in the park on a nice day.

It honestly works.

Thanks koloh.

I do yoga (but not with Adrienne, she's a bit too gentle for me) and I've just signed up to Duolingo and I've taken the basic assessment in Italian - good fun.
I'm going to listen to that TED talk whilst folding laundry now.

Hi OP, your follow up posts have really made my day. You asked an honest question and are so keen to listen. That's wonderful - we should all strive to keep our mind open.
When I settled down in a very middle class area and had kids, I was younger than most mums here and we had a lot less than everyone else I knew at the time. I could have got stressed about it, and probably was on the cusp a few times, but honestly, I just always felt so happy about my husband and baby son, and our little family. Our financial situation has now changed, and we have a lot more, but I genuinely feel if it was all gone tomorrow, we would be fine.
We do talk about what we are thankful for most dinners. Gratitude is a practice, meaning you have to practise it. I've always done it, my mum does too, so it's second nature. As I got older I realise that many people don't feel that way, which is a shame. It's Def something I want to pass down to my kids.

I'm similar. I also try to practise gratitude and meditation. There are plenty of things i want for the house but i make myself stick to what we actually need first and foremost.

I think lots of people feel like this.

No point breaking the bank to keep up. Who wants to be all the same anyway and a humble home can still look nice. What really matters is health, a peaceful life, relationships.

I read onn a thread on Mumsnet that Comparison is the thief of joy.
It's sooo true.
Forkfun's advice - the first poster to reply to your initial post is spot on.

Do you find you compare yourself with everyone else? I mean there's you - one person in one family with one house and then there's everyone else with loads of houses and families - some of which have loft extensions and some have new kitchens and some have new cars. So set against the lot of them, of course they have more than you - there's more of them!

If you compare your life with just one single other family does it seem more balanced? Do they work all hours and never see their DC? Or are they in massive debt on credit vcards to afford their life style? Or have they come into loads of money because their parents died whereas you have the benefit of family still living? Or have you hand picked the one family that happens to have more money than you? How about comparing yourself with ten local families who have less than you in terms of health, wealth, stability, happiness, family around, free time etc. Do you feel more balanced if you do that?

Ironically I think a garden is just what you need. Mine has taught me patience, deferred gratification, daily discipline, and acceptance. It’s a discipline not unlike yoga or meditation.

Start by sweeping, weeding, and seeding. Costs pennies, but the rewards are immense.

As mentioned by a pp, comparison truly is the thief of joy.

We own a very nice house, and will probably never move. However, it does have some limitations and sometimes these annoy me. I used to read a lot of house n garden magazines (readly subscription). These at the mo just seem to be chock full of really large kitchen / diner extensions. Ive stopped reading them as I think they foster dissatisfaction. I’m also glad I’ve never done Instagram.

As you say though, for a lot of people, things won’t be what they seem. Bil and sil live in a large house in the se which they have just added a large extension. It’s absolutely lovely and Theyve worked hard on it (doing a lot of the work themselves). But here’s the thing, they owe the bank about £500k. And I wouldn’t want that for myself, not ever.

I think you just focus on yourself op and ignore everyone else. Carry on doing what your doing, Maybe try to find ways of doing things cheaper, getting things off eBay / gumtree etc. A female friend of mine for eg took a plastering course recently so they could do up their house more cheaply.

Lonely post and I've ordered that book @museumum recommended.

Good advice re gratitude from @forkfun too - I'm going to start that and will try to get my DC to do it too.

I read once that everyone compares themselves to their friends' situations so if you only have very well off friends or friends who are richer than you, you are going to be sad even if you're much richer etc than most people.

When we see our super rich friends we come home and feel a bit sad that we don't have a massive house or children at boarding school. But then we see other friends who have much less and realise how lucky we are.

I read a blog post once that really stayed with me...

momastery.com/blog/2014/08/11/give-liberty-give-debt/

Hope you enjoy!

@OhMyGiddyAunty
Oh my goodness thank you for that link to Glennon Doyle Melton. I am sat here in tears having gone down a google rabbit hole from the post you linked to about her kitchen all the way to her Super Soul Sunday lectures on Youtube - she is a revelation. Thank you.

As I mentioned in my post I am envious of some of my friends but cars are the thing I am not bothered about. I have had lots of old cars. My friend's grandad once said to me " third class riding is better than first class walking " . It has been my mantra for many years . Great links from PPs . Thank you .

Op I can't claim to be a fan, I think someone shared the kitchen post on FB and I just remembered it, glad you liked it! I loved the perspective, and it's really stuck with me.

As I've got older, the not-caring has become easier, and it's quite liberating, actually.

I like the garden idea about having a tidy and sweep, by the way. It's the little things that make the difference I reckon.

And the poster who said the bird table brought as much joy as the big extension.

I've really enjoyed reading this thread!