How to get my life together

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

So far I have no hobbies, no interests, no job, no money or real responsibilities. My life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a rut, I don't feel depressed but I'm tired and just done. I'm asleep more than I'm awake, I can't seem to get my belongings in order so my room is a constant tip and I have no energy at all. My family is incredibly complicated and I'm a frequent visitor to the stately homes thread but I've no idea who I am or what I like. So far the only thing I look forward to each week is church.

Hi Confused. That sounds really hard. Do you feel able to take some small steps towards making a change? Little things building towards bigger things, e.g. start by making your bed every morning. Write your CV (no matter how little is on it - get a friend to help/template on word/online advice), pop into local charity shop/animal rescue/or even your church and enquire about volunteering opportunities.

Also highly recommend self-referring to IAPT (google it in your trust - you can just self-refer, don't even need to go to a GP). What you are describing sounds quite a bit like depression, but that can be a circular thing, i.e. feeling exhausted cause things are rubbish and being unable to make the changes needed because you are struggling. They will be able to help.

Sorry you feel like this, sounds tough. This is fairly simplistic but I find the Happier podcast (and website and books by Gretchen Rubin) have lots of ideas for small steps you can take to feel better and work out what does and doesn’t make you happy. Also the Feel Better live more podcast has some interesting episodes covering a range of subjects. Hope you can find something to focus on and that other things can then gradually improve.

It's so hard when we get stuck in a rut. I'm kind of in one now in some ways, so I understand how you feel. The good news is that we do have the power to change it!

My advise is to start with your room. Our environment affects out mental well-being massively. Except for big pieces of furniture, take every single thing out of your room and only put back the things you absolutely love and need. Make a fresh start and get rid of all the tat. You will feel so much better to be in an open, clean space.

@AverilCorin, I'm currently editing my CV as it's complete crap. I think I'd like to take some driving lessons but they're expensive and I'm not very good at budgeting so I'd need to book an appointment at the benefits office to get some advice first. I think I'd like to learn how to play the keyboard or guitar but it would be difficult to find a teacher considering I'm an adult. I'd like to get fitter but exercise is something I find incredibly intimidating and I don't want to go to the gym. Plus I often don't have the energy to do much more than I am now.

@MoveConfused, awesome thanks for the reccomendations I'll have to check them out. Thing is I'm fairly cheerful and happy otherwise so I've no idea why I can't pull myself together. I think it has a lot to do with not being able to explore my interests and do what makes me happy as a child but I've no idea why it's affecting me so much now.

@Aquamarine1029, I've attempted to do this a couple of weeks ago but a lot of my stuff is in good condition and I'll likely give it to family but it's finding the time to either take it to family or having someone with a big enough car come down to collect it.

I'm just fed up of sitting doing nothing and watching life go by without engaging with it. I'm 24 I'm supposed to be enjoying my life and moving forwards but I'm just stuck with no motivation to do better.

You sound depressed.

Join the ramblers. Exercise with company. You'll soon find the guides you like and those you don't. Being outside is very good for mental health, as is interacting gently with people of different ages. Less intimidating than a gym, too.

What did you used to enjoy? Choose one thing you liked in the past and take it up again.

Volunteer at your church.

@Dilkhush, thats a good idea. I do like walking and hiking. I used to enjoy cycling but I don't have a bike here. I'm meeting with a church worker on Sunday so will likely speak to them about volunteering then. I'm looking into trying different things and I'm trying to arrange support because I'm just not ok right now so fingers crossed I find something.

My advice would be to be kind to your self by setting achievable goals. You're only 24 so can you can start slowly. Church volunteering first, then ramblers as that appeals to you and add a third thing only when the first 2 are working out. If one of them doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up about it. God luck. X

@Dilkhush, that's good advice. I'm usually very self critical. I've booked an appointment to get help with budgeting and I think I'm going to try driving lessons. Right now I can't afford a car but it'll give me something to aim for and it's a useful skill. I think I like classes and things where I can learn something new so I'm looking on eventbright and my local unis for short courses and talks they hold. I figure that they'll be fun and give me something else to put on my CV. I think I'd like to volunteer with the church youth groups on a friday but they're something one of my friends does and I don't want to follow that. I think I'd rather find my own thing first, or at least speak to him about it because it might be his getaway. But slowly does it I think. One thing at a time is the best way.

Hi
I think you're doing really well.
I'm twice your age but I remember a lot of people being very lost in their mid 20s. At your age I was in a dead end job with a useless bf. I volunteered to help at a medieval banquet fundraiser and met a woman who needed a temp at the UN, which led to a completely different life as the temp post became a permanent one which led on to some truly weird life experiences. No one on earth would have thought that volunteering to help with a Mind fundraiser in Northamptonshire would have led to that.

My takeaway from that was to say 'yes' by default to social invitations because you never know where they'll take you (both metaphorically and geographically in my case).

Re church volunteering, if the youth group is large enough it might not matter that your friend is there. I'd keep an open mind. I'd also suggest helping with tea and coffee after Mass, if your church do that. You meet a lot of people, it's a nice community space and there's always room for helpers. Chat to everyone - you could start a conversation by asking if they can recommend a local driving instructor.

I really applaud your courage in recognising that you want to make changes. If I can be of any help just tag me in this thread and I'll encourage you and give my thoughts. Sx

Find a regular savings account and set up standing order to pay in to it every month, same as paying your bills and no matter how small an amount you think you could spare. Then focus on interests/hobbies. Volunteering is a really good way to try out different things.

@Dilkhush, thanks, it's so hard to keep going when I feel like I've no idea what I'm doing and that I'm fighting against the oncoming tide. I'm not sure how big the youth group is but my friend and I are having a bit of an issue at the moment and I don't think I want to spend much more time with him tbh. I think some separation may do us some good. It's awesome how you ended up doing something competely different by saying yes. I don't really get asked to do things. I'm a bit of a wallflower and generally have no idea how to talk to people. Church is definitely a good place to look for a driving instructor. I'll also reach out to a few people at church to do things with who are pretty helpful and fun. I think my church run a few womens events that might be fun to go to which may help me engage more as well. I know that my mother is in her 60's and has no friends or social life and I want to avoid that completely.

@Laterthanyouthink, I have a savings account, but I'm not going to put anything into until I've met with someone for budgeting advice. Once I know what I'm spending and what I'm saving it should be easier to find hobbies that I can afford.

"If you change nothing, nothing will change."

It's hard to know where to start but as you said, you don't want to end up at 60 I the same place.

*in

What kind of work are you looking for?
A lot of companies have an application form that you need to fill in rather than handing a cv in so have a look at the companies you want to apply for.
The Salvation Army sell cheap refurbished bikes in some areas so it might be worth looking to see if they do any in your area.
Your local library might have some good self help books and they often have info about things going on in the local area.

@MT2017, I've contacted a local womens group to join some of their meetups which will at least get me out of the house and talking to people. I've also made inquiries about horse riding lessons which is something I've always wanted to do but was never allowed. I'm also going to get in touch with one of the interns at church and meet up with them for coffee on Tuesday to talk about how I can engage more with church volunteering and one of my housemates has offered to help me apply to volunteer with her work which is in an area I've volunteered in before. I'm also hosting a bonfire night party which will be fun.
@Beechview, I'd work anywhere other than in the care sector. I'm really not suited to that kind of work at all. I don't drive yet though so I'm limited on where I can get the bus or walk to.

Hi OP
I just wondered how you've been getting on this week.
Is your room tidier?
How did the meeting about volunteering at church go?
I also noticed you saying that you hadn't been allowed to do some things and wondered if this because your family couldn't afford it or because you had an over controlling/protective parent.

Hi @Dilkhush, my rooms a bit tidier. I do have laundry I need to put away but thats a never ending cycle tbh. My meeting about volunteering at church was cancelled last minuet but I've a meeting on the Thursday coming so fingers crossed that goes well. If not I know I can apply to volunteer where one of my housemates works as she thinks it would suit me. It's been a good week though. It was a friends birthday in another city and he invited a few of us from here to go out with him and some of his friends there and normally I'd have said no but I said yes and traveled down with a friend and we had a good time. I don't think I'd do it again because clubbing is not my thing at all but for a one off it was nice to do something different. I think I'm going to start saying yes more to things and trying not to worry so much. I think I'm also going to try to stop stressing so much about my friendships as they're great but I often end up over thinking and becoming massively anxious and overwhelmed about it all.

Also not being allowed to do things wasn’t a money issue it was a time and effort issue. I ranked very low on my mother’s priority list. I had a lot of hobbies and interests before my dad died as he was very invested in my life and interests. He’s the one who took me places and to classes. He came to performances and clubs I was in and just generally supported me. My mother made it clear that I wasn’t the child she wanted or expected. That my sisters were easier and nicer and just better and that her grandchildren were wonderful and that I was nasty, unpleasant, spiteful, spoilt and hard work. My dad died when I was 11 and since then the only thing I was allowed to do was stay in my room, stay locked in the house if she wanted or needed to go out or take care of my nieces and nephews or help her care for my aunt and grandpa.

She made it abundantly clear that her priorities were/are:
1 Grandpa
2 Great Aunt
3 DSis 2 kids
4 DSis 3, 4 and 1 kids
5 DSis 1, 2, 3 and 4
6 BIL 1, 2, 3 and 4
7 Aunts and Uncles
8 Dogs
9 Me

Her favourite phrase as I was growing up was ‘If I’d had you first I would never have had anymore’. I don’t know why because I’m the only one to ever actually do well in anything. I had scholarship offers every year for different private and boarding schools that she’d never let me accept, I’m the only one to finish school and the only one to get to university. I was never allowed to talk about my interests or hobbies or things I know. She kept me almost completely separate from everyone else. If they were doing anything I wasn’t allowed to join. I spent 90% of my time reading and out of everyone’s way because of it. When I’m home I’m criticised because I’m clever and I make them feel stupid and badly about themselves and yet I do nothing but support them. I took four years out to take care of one of my nephews and two of my nieces so my sisters could work. I did the school runs, after school clubs, dinner, homework and bath and bedtime most days. II’m currently financially supporting one of my older nephews because he got a partial scholarship to a boarding school but my sister can’t afford to cover the rest of the fees. I don’t know how to put myself first and I physically and mentally cannot relax. I’m constantly tense I’ve never been able to relax and let go at all and I don’t know how to fix that.

Op this all sounds horrendous. Your mother is awful and has treated you badly. I can’t believe you have to pay for your nephews education. That needs to stop.
How much contact do you have with your family?
The less you see them, the more relaxed you’ll be.

Hi OP, I think you are getting great ideas on here. And hopefully your church will be a source of support. I'm a Christian too and churches can be amazing amazing places. One thing I'd suggest is asking someone in your church to pray with you regularly. Some churches have a payer ministry or pastoral visiting ministry. If they knew how much you were struggling they would want to help. I'd also suggest posting on the Christian prayer thread over in Religion/Spirituality. I'll pray for you.

I think you don't have a job so you probably have some time in the day? Many churches run toddler groups and even if you don't particularly like large groups of little children (understandable!) you could make tea for the mums.

Also, I think maybe see your gp. It could be that you are depressed, or have attention deficit disorder, or have some other condition that could be helped with medication. When my relative was diagnosed with adult adhd a lot of things fell into place (including 'not being able to get her act together') and the meds have helped enormously. Just a thought but worth a chat with a doctor.

Oh, also, the advi E on the decluttering threads is very very useful and usually unanimous - do not wait for things to go to specific home if you are really struggling. Call a charity that will come and collect next week instead of waiting for your (unhelpful) family to come one day. This is your life, not theirs.

Hi OP.

It was lovely to see your update and that things are going well

You sound like a really capable talented individual with so much going for you. And it’s also sounds like you have some lovely friends and acquaintances that want to help you. Focus on those relationships.

Keep saying yes to things definitely.

I’d also start looking at things you enjoy and can do on your own. Eg reading, craft, cooking yoga or exercise classes on utube (fitness blender is good) You could also try a gratitude journal - 3 things a day that you are grateful for.
Hope the coffee catch up and budgeting advice point you in the right direction.

FWIW I think that, with your background, you are doing really well.

It's incredibly difficult growing up without parental approval because it's natural for children to seek that and every rebuff and knock back is a serious blow. It's very painful but as you'll know from Stately Homes a lot of people who have had a childhood like this stop having contact with their parents as they get older, the hurt becomes too much to take.

It doesn't sound as though you're able to go NC with your family at the moment, but it's important that you recognise the damage to you self esteem that you suffer when you're with them. I would urge you to limit your time with them and, when you do have to be with them, try to spend that time with the children rather than the adults. Don't answer the phone to them - let them leave a message so you can listen when you choose and compose your thoughts before responding. (A downside of mobile phones is the way that people can intrude unexpectedly on your day). The adults in your family have followed your mothers lead and taken advantage of your good nature : time with any of them is probably not good for you at the moment.

I'm so sorry about your father. There's no good age to lose a parent but at the start of secondary is particularly bad. You have done amazingly well to go on and go to University in these circumstances. Congratulations - it sounds as though he would have been proud of you.

Well done for keeping your room tidier, keep it up and keep tackling the laundry pile. It's a never ending task but you will get 'flow' from it.

That's brilliant that you said 'yes' and went clubbing. Even if clubbing isn't for you there's the whole journey there and back and the getting ready before and talking about it afterwards. Keep saying 'yes' to clubbing and other non family things - it'll engage you with life and cement your friendships. Stick with it and other things will replace clubbing in time.

It takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself that you're unhappy with your life and want to make changes. I am so impressed with the efforts you are making and the way you are engaging with the suggestions on this board. Keep taking the small steps and it will slowly come together. If you were my daughter (and you're young enough to be!) I would be so proud of you. x

Wholeheartedly agree with pp.

Also, clubbing is usually really good exercise!