How to get my life together

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

So far I have no hobbies, no interests, no job, no money or real responsibilities. My life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a rut, I don't feel depressed but I'm tired and just done. I'm asleep more than I'm awake, I can't seem to get my belongings in order so my room is a constant tip and I have no energy at all. My family is incredibly complicated and I'm a frequent visitor to the stately homes thread but I've no idea who I am or what I like. So far the only thing I look forward to each week is church.

@Beechview, I facetime my mother almost everynight. She can't settle if she can't see that I'm safe. We've had our issues but a lot of it comes from her own mental health issues and fear/guilt over my health. Every year I've lived drs have said would be my last and it was always my mother who dealt with that. My dad rarely came to hospital appointments her, my sisters would rotate who came to support her instead. She was very much the parent who wanted to wrap me up in cotton wool and lock me in an ivory tower. She'd buy me anything but I doubt we've spent any time together since I was a toddler. I won't stop paying for my nephews education. I saw the path he was going down and now he has a future I won't take that from him.

@CanISpeakToYourManager, I have ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome. I'm unmediated for a number of reasons, but I'm not currently registered in this city as my specialists advised me not to change GP's as I'd have to change specialists. I love kids, they're my favorite type of people. I can get prayer ministry at church, my friends and some of my housemates are christian and we regularly pray for each other and together.

@CanISpeakToYourManager, some of the stuff I need them to take has sentimental value so I wont donate them. I've some things I'll likely be taking to a charity shop sometime this week though.

@Rainbowqueeen, thanks , my friends are great if draining at times. I've just signed up to go on a Christian Union weekend away in a couple of weeks which will be fun but stressful because I'll be sharing a room with two people I don't know and my sleeping habits are atrocious and I struggle to relax with others in the room BUT I will get more out of it than I will spend stressed. I'm also looking into music lessons, horse riding and driving lessons. I'm also looking into community group activities that I could join.

@Dilkhush, thank you it means a lot to hear that. My sisters love me but I'm very much the other one and not part of the family 90% of the time but they only know what my mother has told them as I was growing up. They also just don't know how to interact with me at all and I try to meet them halfway but we just can't communicate effectively. NC is something I don't think I'd ever be able to do. I couldn't cut contact with my nieces and nephews. Especially not the ones I've basically raised. I'm also far closer to my adult nieces and nephews than I am my siblings so I often meet with them and their kids. I try to visit home at least once every three months for a long weekend and catch up with everyone and visit my Grandpa one of the nicest and coolest guys I have ever met. Thankfully my siblings rarely call me, if they do I answer because it's so rare it generally means they NEED to speak with me. I'm thankful for my upbringing in lots of ways, I'm very self sufficient, I can cook, clean, keep a home and look after kids. I'm also very certain of my own mind and not letting people walk over me. But I'm also often very closed off, anxious, unable to relax at all and I have no real idea about what I actually want or enjoy most of the time with a crippling fear of failure because if I fail, they're right about me, but I'm getting better. I just need to keep pushing when things are difficult.

For me knowing God loves me helps. Also knowing that he always forgives me. My life improved once I got a job. Having money and routine made everything better. Good luck.

You're doing so well in difficult circumstances.

Since you get on well with the younger generation in your family and don't have much contact with your sisters it's the FaceTiming your mother almost every night that you need to reduce. You're an adult now and however much your mother has worried about you in the past a daily FaceTime with her is not going to help you at the moment. You could start gently by telling her you won't FaceTime tomorrow because you're busy so you'll send a text instead. Gradually do that more frequently and texting will become the norm after a while. Ideally you would only FaceTime her once a week on a specific day and send her a daily text update instead. Texting is much less emotionally intrusive than FaceTiming.

All that stuff about failure is bollocks, by the way. The first Harry Potter book was rejected by 12 publishers as not commercially viable but no one would call JK Rowling a failure. The internet is awash with quotes about rejection and failure because it's an experience that is both painful and extremely common. Failing at something does not make you, or anyone else, "A failure". Everybody fails at things and everybody succeeds at things.

That's great that you're going on a CU weekend. It sounds fun.
I wondered about your sleeping habits because I saw you had posted very late at night. All the advice about getting babies and toddlers to sleep applies equally well to adults. If you can't get to sleep at night give yourself a calming bedtime routine, then start getting up at the same time every morning, say 7.30am. It's tough for a few days but really does work if you persevere. Everyone has dark thoughts at 4am so it's good to be asleep then.

If you get to sleep OK but wake up at 3am every night and can't get back to sleep: set an alarm for 2.30am, get up and move around for 5 minutes and then go back to bed. Do this for 4 nights and then stop setting the alarm. This advice is from What to Expect the Toddler Years but my friend aged 35 used it to cure her night waking, so it's worth a try.

It's more noticeable in toddlers and teenagers but all humans get a bit unhinged without enough food, sleep and human interaction. Look after yourself this week. x

@HairyToity, that helps me a lot as well. I'm getting confirmed soon so I'm looking forward to that.

@Dilkhush, I have reduced the contact somewhat but my aunt died recently and my mother isn't coping. I worry about her, especially since my sisters are useless and usually make her feel worse. I don't typically wake in the night but I often take hours to get to sleep but regardless of how long it takes me to sleep I cannot wake up the next day at all. The earliest I manage to wake up is 12 on a good day, on a bad one 3. I know it isn't healthy but no matter how many alarms I set I either sleep through them or I get up turn them off and instantly go back to sleep.

Hi OP

From your original post: My life is a mess and I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a rut, I don't feel depressed but I'm tired and just done.

In order to fix your life to the way you want it you are going to need to put your needs first. Even though your mum is struggling at the moment, so are you. If your mother is a source of difficult feelings then you will need to reduce contact (while still keeping her reassured that you're OK). You can still text daily but there are other members of the family who can look after her. You need to look after yourself.

Re sleep. Unless your friends work in night clubs you are going to have to fix your sleep patterns to make the life changes you want. I know it's not easy but since you attended both school and University you know that you are able to get up at normal times. If you don't go to bed until 3am then obviously you are tired in the morning. It's counterintuitive, but this is solve-able by getting up at the same time every morning. The first morning will be shattering. Leave the alarm clock on the other side of the room and when you go to turn it off open the curtains and immediately strip the bed clothes off. A cold bed with no sheet is much less appealing. Then go out for a walk so your eyes see the sunlight properly. Day 1 will be awful, but possibly slightly less awful if you organise a nice treat for yourself to look forward to. That night you will fall asleep earlier than usual (through exhaustion!) and day 2 will be slightly less bad. It takes real determination to do this but it's undoubtedly part of the route to make the changes you want.

If you don't already know about them I recommend you read up on Circadian rhythms and the impact of light on sleep. It's really interesting and might help you create a more sleep friendly evening environment. Going outside in the morning, even for a few minutes, is very helpful to establish better night sleep.

If you are a really heavy sleeper I recommend the Geemarc Sonic Bomb extra loud alarm clock with bed shaker. I bought one for my daughter on Amazon. You can set the sound level and bed shaking option as high as you want. I think it would be impossible for anyone to sleep through, even if they were deaf. You probably wouldn't need this after day 1 though.

It's your life. You only have this one shot. You've decided to make changes and you can do it, but some parts will be difficult. You'll get there.

@Dilkhush, I struggle with that, it's not something I've ever really been allowed to do but tonight for the first time since I was 11 I sang in church. Which made me feel ill at first but it got easier.

I also got a phone call from my best friend at home saying that she'd seen her boyfriend drop dead in front of her today so I'll be heading home tomorrow morning. I can't not go and see her and had I have had my way I'd have been on the train tonight but my friend had no intention of letting me. He literally pinned me against him until I calmed down and told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way at all that he was going to allow me to travel for hours on a train in the dark with a phone on 12% and a debit card. I think that if I'd not been able to calm down and pushed the issue he'd of came with me to my hometown or carried me to the bus and pinned me to the bus seat and marched me home.

I'm glad he was at church as none of my other friends would have noticed how upset I was or if they had they'd have been incapable of preventing me from doing exactly what I wanted. Plus he was right in preventing me from going off alone, even if I'd have gone then and there by the time I got home I'd not be able to see her and I'd not have been able to help at all because it's so late and chances are I'd panic on the journey or my phone would run out of battery or I'd get lost as there is limited public transport from the train station to the town I live in. But I know if I'd not have been able to calm down and was insistent that I go he'd have gone with me, which is nice.

@Dilkhush, regarding the sleep advice I'll look into it over this week but I'm unlikely to buy a new alarm clock because once I'm in a routine I'll likely not need it. I'm hoping to schedual classes I pay for earlier in the morning once I'm in a routine so I'm not actively doing new things that I want to try until I can maintain it. I don't want to add things only to have to drop them because I lack structure.

I plan to create a weekly timetable accounting for basically every waking moment until it becomes habit. That way it'll be harder for me to fall back into my own ways. I'm also aiming to add or do at least one new or scary thing a week. I'm also going to actively make time to seek opportunities and say yes to things that I'm not sure about.