Tips for extroverts raising introverts

[Mallowmarshmallow]

Whilst I wouldn't say I'm an outright extrovert, I definitely like being around people and gain energy from socialising with people.

My DS(5) is an introvert and I find myself spending a lot of time worrying about him. In social situations he often spends time on the outside thoughtfully looking in, observing but often choosing not to join in.

He's got a small, firm group of friends at school (who seem to be the more gentle boys, like him) and I think he socialises confidently among them.

I spend a lot of my time watching him, wondering what he's thinking, if he's happy or at least content, checking in on him rather than enjoying him and the moment. This is probably exacerbated by his younger sibling who is very different to him in character and I feel intrinsically less worried about....

Has anyone been through the same (from either side I guess, as the child or parent....) and got any tips on how to be the best parent I can be for him?

I think just accepting your child for who they are and not what you hoped they would be helps. I am an introvert (older sister extrovert) and my eldest son, now 16 is an introvert, whereas Ds2, 13, is an extrovert.

I have fended off judgemental parents who ask, "Why doesn't your child join in the party" with "Why does it bother you what my child does?" I know my son is having a good time, just his idea of a good time is standing on the sidelines watching everyone until he decides to join in.

He likes quiet time, time to be in his own head space. Ds2 would walk across restaurants at 3 or 4 years old to retrieve something, Ds1 wouldn't do it until he was 10.

I actually bought a book The Highly Sensitive Child because my parents always tried to push me to do things which just made me feel like a failure all the time, a disappointment that I wasn't as brave as my sister. So I needed help navigating how to raise my son to feel loved and accepted.

There is a great TED talk on YouTube on introverts too. Introvert doesn't mean shy, just good in small groups of friends. You sound lovely though, and you know your son, so if he seems to be having a good time standing apart don't worry so much. He had clearly found like minded children to be friends with.

Give him plenty of space and downtime. It’s ok for you to check if he is enjoying himself. I am an introvert raised by and extrovert and my mum would get most exasperated with me when I didn’t look like I was enjoying myself- I was, but it didn’t necessarily show on my face! Also, they can surprise you - I was very good at performing and acting as a child, although I mostly loved reading. He sounds as though he is doing fine and lucky him for having a thoughtful mother.

My DD is an introvert. Happily so.
I think the best thing you can do is accept them as they are - they aren't missing out on the things that extroverts like. They're motivated and rewarded differently.
I'm actually really enjoying DD being like this. She's very content at home and is great company but has her own things and friends going on too.

As a child yes, I’d advise lots of opportunities for quiet reflection so no constant gaming/TV/radio/music/instrument playing at home, have some quiet time built in.

Does he have hus own room that’s quiet? If not, build a summerhouse/tree house or similar so he has an escape from the chatter and noise.

Try to discourage ‘poppers-in’ if at all possible. He’ll find it draining.

Lastly, never let him know you’re worried about him or think that he’s in anyway not normal.

Party of One is a good introvert book.

Ah yes. Poppers in! DD hates being called for or plans changing at the last minute, if she had down time scheduled and then was asked to do something else it was/is a real conflict for her.

After a big event, plan in some downtime (could just be a silent car journey). Don’t pack in too many social things, especially at Christmas or other holidays. Clock his overwhelmed signs and help him leave gracefully (or find a quiet retreat for a little to regroup).

I have one extrovert and one introvert dd - balancing their needs can be tricky!

Introvert here with one introverted DS in the middle of two extroverted siblings.

When he takes himself off for quiet time, allow him to do so. We are incredibly good at entertaining ourselves and need that time. And don't make him do a team sport (obviously if he expresses an interest that's a different matter!)

I think the key is not giving the impression you think there’s anything wrong with him, or that he should behave differently. I was raised by a friendless, socially-insecure mother (not suggesting this is in any way equivalent to an introvert, incidentally) who would have loved me to be the life and soul of the party and kept panickingly trying to push me into unwanted social situations because she thought she knew best, despite not having a clue about friendships.

Oh this is me and dd(9). I find her fascinating because she’s so different from me. I’ve learnt (often the hard way) that the best way I can have her back is to protect her safe spaces. When we visit her cousins it is absolute chaos - all noise and craziness, and dd can only cope with a certain amount of that - unlike her brother who thrives in the mayhem.

So I always make sure dd has somewhere she can retreat to, to be on her own to recharge. I have to police the cousins to ensure they understand and respect this, and defend her against various in-laws who think she’s being antisocial. Now that I know to do this, we have a deeper level of trust and closeness.

The hardest part is getting her to talk to me. She won’t tell me anything. This is only going to get worse as she hits puberty so I hope others on here can advise!

A practical tip would be to consider after school activities and clubs carefully. DD was never very keen so I didn't push her. She's now found a few things she really enjoys but at Primary age it was pretty much swimming (as a skill for survival rather than because she loved it) gave it up by year 5 I think and Brownies from age 7. Nothing else. Tried a few but nothing stuck.

I am an introvert and very clearly remember getting in the car after school and my mum asking about my day. Opening my mouth to answer felt like the most exhausting thing in the world. All I wanted to do was stare out of the window in silence. If I didn't give an answer or just mumbled something she immediately thought something was wrong and then wanted to talk about it which just exasperated the situation. After a couple of hours of quiet time (doing homework was useful for this) I was happy to tell her all about my day.

I think you just need to remember that spending time surrounded by other people is exhausting so quiet time/space is essential.

I think it's great you're asking this question. You sound like a fab parent.

Let them have their space and downtime.

DS1 has dyspraxia and is very sensory. I'm not sure if there is more underlying. His threshold is that he finds clubs attached to school too tiring. He needs a buffer before doing anything extra. He's always offered the choice of activities on offer, even if I could accurately predict his response. On holiday, things work best if we alternate activity days/ rest days.

He's got a lovely little core of friends and is well liked by all. He's quirky and distinctive, but not the life and soul of the party. It's quite a good position to be in even if it's not what society expects for their age group. He doesn't seem to get embroiled in the politics of friendships.

Sometimes you do have to fight their corner if they're not giving the social response expected of a child, usually to other adults!

It gets easier as they get older and more able to be independent. At 8 (nearly 9) he's so much happier that I'll leave him for 10-15 mins to pop out locally rather than being lugged out frequently. This week at swimming, I was able to leave him quietly spectating and entertaining himself while I played in the pool and did toilets/ changing with his sibling. He was much happier and refreshed for that time than if I'd had to keep him close like a year ago.

At the end of school, he's often directed straight to his room to chill out as he's often burned out by people/ senses/ keeping up with dyslexia & dyspraxia. I can usually tell by the look on his face and the way he approaches me about how burned out he is.

@VenusClapTrap start to do an activity with her - just the two of you preferably. That way, you’ll be together but the focus wont be on talking. She’ll then have the space and opportunity to discuss things with you if she wants to, without it being all about the chat. This could be gardening, baking, sewing, art, shopping etc..

Introverts are just as happy as extroverts. He won't be happy if you try and turn him into something he's not.

Thanks, @NightsOfCabiria, that’s a good idea.

Following!!!

They can be very independent. My young teen went to the cinema by herself - she didn’t want any friend to spoil the experience for her.

Don't make him feel bad or weird for not wanting lots of social time. This goes fpr when he's an adult too - my dad STILL tells me to join groups etc related to my hobbies & can't understand/doesn't listen to me saying that I am happy doing them alone. It makes me feel a bit "wrong", tbh.

I valued one on one time with my parents. Also its important to take extra care to notice an introverted child's achievements and praise the way they do things. They won't be as loud about them.

Having something to do. For example on my first day at school I was given the animals to clean out and happily skipped off with my new friend. I also found having things explained in advance so I knew what to expect helped and what to do. Be mindful of their sensitivity to stress-introverts absorb a lot.

Be available whenever they want to talk. Don't let them give up easily on goals - if one after school activity doesn't work try and find another. I found I had more in depth conversations in the car - side by side is less intimidating.

At 5 I believe he’s too young to be labelled. Give him opportunities for quiet time and social time with varied groups of people / personalities equally and see how that goes from there. A lot of extroverted kids can become introverted around specific kids (and vice versa) but you won’t know what their true personalities are like until 9-11.

How might an extroverted 5 year old manage his introverted 37 year old mother?!

@SubmersibleSandwich

Such a wise post, I will try to remember this.

DS2 age 9 is quite introverted. Small, loyal group of friends at school. Actively dislikes clubs and activity groups - he does one thing (swimming) compared to his big brother who has about five sports activities, and who loves the socialising aspect of them. DS2 has never made a friend at any of the activities he has done.

I’m an extrovert too, and I confess I worry about DS2 specifically because when he goes up to secondary school in 1.5 years, he is likely to be split from his two best friends as they are in a different school catchment. For DS1 this was a breeze, he made friends with his whole new class. DS2, he’s going to find it harder and I don’t know how to help him. Any tips? We can ask the primary to put him in a class with some other kids who will be going to his secondary, next year - but he will be gutted to be separated from his current best friends.

I'm an introvert from a family of extroverts (now have an extroverted toddler so any tips welcome!!). It's ok if he wants down time, don't force him to go out with friends if he doesn't want to, it doesn't mean they have fallen out or that he is moping, he just probably needs some down time. As others have said, pick extracurriculars carefully, gently encourage but don't make him persevere with something that is a poor fit.

Another extrovert parenting an informer here. I found Susan Cain’s YouTube and book Quiet very interesting, and she has followed up with a book specifically for/about children:

www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/314363/quiet-power-by-susan-cain-with-gregory-mone-and-erica-moroz-illustrated-by-grant-snider/

I’d second the stuff about time and space, ask what they want, properly listen and act on it. Time with you is very important too. It’s a huge lesson in STFU, basically @