Not very tolerant, to the point I can feel it building up anger inside of me

[granadagirl]

I’ve not just started being like this😒 I’ve had it many many years.
I can I suppose be more tolerant to some people more than others.

Yesterday it really hit home,
We were at mil’s who’s now 86 although seems really happy, she as memory problems. She can remember lots of things from the past, but say nothing you’ve told her a few minutes ago. She will constantly ask the same questions and repeat the same stories over and over.
Dp can go with the flow and even encourage her with the same memories, so we get the repeated story over and over . It’s the same old shit every time, I know I should be more tolerate and I do start off like that, but after 10 times it grates on me.
You can have everyday chat, because she can’t remember what she’s done, seen or eaten so it’s hard what to chat about.
I end up giving daggers to dp to stop/ shut up. I just don’t find the things they laugh about as funny as them.
Me having anxiety doesn’t help either.

I came home yesterday feeling really bad about myself, to the point I even googled “ How To Be More Tolerant” I ended up feeling anxious and bad about myself.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can handle this?
Are you similar? How do you cope ?

I just feel I get angry, jealous or wound up with people, I do think a lot has to do with my anxiety feeling down some days and the things I’m unable to do, or feel comfortable/ relaxed doing and enjoying.
I feel anxiety/depression over the years(35+) as sucked the enjoyment of life out of me, and I’m left being serious person, who as a laugh not often.

Your poor dh. I think you’d benefit from psychotherapy. I’d also try my hardest to reign it in if I was you. No one wants to be around someone that’s always miserable. At least you recognise you have a problem. Ask your go to refer you for CBT

Your GP*

The older I get, the less inclined I am to tolerate pretty much anything that irritates me. There’s no prize at the end for living a life of silent boredom and frustration - so just avoid the situations that cause them as much as possible!

I’m with you @granadagirl. Can you withdraw a little so you don’t have to get involved in these situations as much. Maybe visit MIL every 5 times for example.

Can't dp go and visit mil on his own?
Otherwise, you need to lighten up. Just remember, this'll be you one day. (That's if you last that long). We never think it'll happen to us, but it does.

OP
You sound unpleasant

If it’s anxiety - then pursue some professional help.

Either way - it’s unpleasant

Angry
Jealous
Wound up
Giving daggers
Same old shit

I hope you never end up that way and needing people to be patient and understanding

I’m afraid I’m exactly the same OP. It gets worse when I’m unhappy- are you the same?

Try pretending you're a mature, wise, compassionate person. The type of person who you expect to make allowances for you, and your anxiety.

Fake it till you make it.

OP, lots of things in life are boring and repetitive. How did you cope when your toddler wanted you to sing the same nursery rhyme seventeen times running? Or sit through the same crap Disney film multiple times?
Patience is a virtue. It doesn’t come naturally or easily, but it’s worth cultivating. I hope you learn to find some serenity, for your own sake as well as your MIL’s - your approach to life sounds rushed, stressed and anxious. Perhaps meditation would help?

I sort of knew I’d get slated for being truthful!!!
So all of you who have smattered me
You never get fed up, irritable, wound up etc , wether it be dp, dh, kids work colleagues, queuing up, traffic
God you must be perfect and always happy then

Yes of course I know this may be me
One day
This was just a situation where I felt like this, so gave it as an example as how I was thinking
So I need psychotherapy, cbt I’m miserable and unpleasant
You certainly know how to kick someone when there down
FWIW
I’ve suffered anxiety/depression on/off since being 25 so for 37yrs, and it’s bloody hard
Maybe should of posted on mh

Lovemenorca I think nitpicking bits of a post in order to insult someone who is already vulnerable and feeling bad about herself is pretty unpleasant, too.

Shall I balance it out for you? Here you go:

OP
You're unhappy and it's affecting how you relate to others. It doesn't mean you're fundamentally unpleasant - it's hard to be the person you want to be when you're not in a good place mentally.

I know I should be more tolerant
I came home yesterday feeling really bad about myself
Does anyone have any ideas how I can handle this?

The fact that you recognise it's a problem and are trying to change suggests to me that you are a good person, and you can change. As others have suggested, CBT might help, along with a bit of self care. For example, instead of forcing yourself to sit through these circular conversations with your MIL, could you find other ways of supporting her that are less stressful for you? Like taking her out somewhere she likes, or offering to do some odd jobs for her while your DH handles the conversations?

Getting fed up etc is totally understandable but this

I end up giving daggers to dp to stop/ shut up. I just don’t find the things they laugh about as funny as them.

Is absolutely not understandable. That's really fucking horrible. Don't go and see the poor woman seeing as you want to take away the last of her happiness with her son.

You can’t pretend to be a “mature wise compassionate person”. Don’t you think the OP could think up a simple solution like that herself if it were that simple?

The frustration is overwhelming and I don’t know about Op but I do personally spend a lot of time trying not to say anything and swallowing my words. But it certainly doesn’t work all the time and it’s those times that you feel disappointed in yourself

And yes, posting on Chat wasn't ideal OP, but at least it's not Aibu

BTW completely out of left field here, but are you on the contraceptive pill? I only ask because you mentioned it started when you were 25. I took Microgynon between 20 and 30 and feel like I basically lost 10 years of my life to anxiety and depression. No bloody idea the pill was such a significant contributory factor.

I feel for you & an elderly person with memory loss is frustrating at the best of times. I'm sorry you are suffering.. could be for lots of reasons and I hope it gets better one day. X

I think you are ready to do something about it, and you should because it's clearly making you unhappy. Life is too short. How you do it is up to you, but start by trying to do some things you can and want to do.

My friends mum was like this except she was deaf into the bargain but you know what, everyone was lovely to her. We didn’t mind that everything was repeated again and again. I feel sorry for your MIL. What is it they say “ fake it till you make it”. Why don’t you go off and do some cleaning or tidying up so that you can have a break from chatting. I’m sure she would appreciate that, then you won’t feel so bad.

The thing is OP, being nasty to a woman with dementia because they can’t keep up with a conversation is about as nasty as shoving a disabled person out of the way because they’re walking too fucking slowly. That’s why you are getting slated.

It’s not like you’re getting pissy with your nosy neighbour or self-absorbed work colleague. Your MIL can’t help having dementia, and I’m sure it is extremely distressing for her.

So I agree with other posters, let your DH enjoy his last few years with his mother while she is still able to recognise him, and stay home if you can’t be kind to her.

And yes I have been similar (apart from the difference in that I have had alot of patience with people), in as much it has sucked all the enjoyment out of life, so I know what you mean on that score. Being roughly the same age I am still coming to terms with the fact I have wasted most of my adult life, and am trying to change before it's too late.

Talk about hypocrisy. If op had posted about how she'd just ranted at her dh for visiting his elderly mother, called him every type of cunt and admitted to having rang him every 5 minutes, there'd be hordes of posters shouting ltb because depression excuses it. But asking for advice on changing behaviour she is already trying to control, and she gets jumped on.

That scenario wouldn't bother me at all, but as a result of my childhood I have very little, if any tolerance for certain scenarios. Sometimes it's justifiable for anyone, even though my bar is lower. Occasionally I am aware that it wouldn't bother anyone else. My method of dealing with it is just to switch off. I might hear the words or see the behaviour, but I just let it wash over me.

It sounds like this poor woman has dementia and her family are doing their best to relate to her in the way that provides the most comfort and least distress for everyone. I’m not sure how you’ve managed to make it all about you and your anxiety.

At least you're aware of how you are, and if you want to change, there are ways. I'm a bit like you, though I mask it where necessary. I can't be arsed with people, and I'd also get a tad frustrated with the same story over and over. Though at the same time, I'd also feel the need to encourage the person if if made them happy! Plus, at least you don't have to make much of an effort, conversation wise, if you always know what's coming!