Not very tolerant, to the point I can feel it building up anger inside of me

[granadagirl]

I’ve not just started being like this😒 I’ve had it many many years.
I can I suppose be more tolerant to some people more than others.

Yesterday it really hit home,
We were at mil’s who’s now 86 although seems really happy, she as memory problems. She can remember lots of things from the past, but say nothing you’ve told her a few minutes ago. She will constantly ask the same questions and repeat the same stories over and over.
Dp can go with the flow and even encourage her with the same memories, so we get the repeated story over and over . It’s the same old shit every time, I know I should be more tolerate and I do start off like that, but after 10 times it grates on me.
You can have everyday chat, because she can’t remember what she’s done, seen or eaten so it’s hard what to chat about.
I end up giving daggers to dp to stop/ shut up. I just don’t find the things they laugh about as funny as them.
Me having anxiety doesn’t help either.

I came home yesterday feeling really bad about myself, to the point I even googled “ How To Be More Tolerant” I ended up feeling anxious and bad about myself.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can handle this?
Are you similar? How do you cope ?

I just feel I get angry, jealous or wound up with people, I do think a lot has to do with my anxiety feeling down some days and the things I’m unable to do, or feel comfortable/ relaxed doing and enjoying.
I feel anxiety/depression over the years(35+) as sucked the enjoyment of life out of me, and I’m left being serious person, who as a laugh not often.

Are you quite a judgemental person? Can you think about where this attitude may come from? Both me and DB have had issues with this from our upbringing and it has helped to identify that this isnt normal or socially acceptable even if that was what we were raised to believe. Also a symptom of anxiety is being more irritable. Trying being kinder to yourself and practicing good self care. If you're kind to yourself, you might be kinder to others.

Anxiety can make things a lot worse, and lessen our tolerance. I don't feel you were being mean or blaming your MIL. It simply made you aware of something about yourself you weren't happy with. We all have things we don't like about ourselves.

Op just a suggestion. Lack of patience, tolerance ect is something I've always struggled withalong with a myriad of other issues...at 30 I've now got an autism diagnosis. Autism looks really different on women and individuals. I could be waay off the mark here. But the anxiety thing and struggling with others just really resonated with me

OP I get you, Im often described as someone who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I’m like this quite a lot of the time, it’s much worse if I’m hungry, tired, angry about something else, stressed, have a headache or generally unhappy and it’s much worse when I have my period.

I’ve noticed it get better when I stopped taking hormonal contraception but that could just be a coincidence.

I find if I’m relaxed I’m a lot more tolerant of other people so perhaps try doing regular exercise and if you feel yourself getting frustrated excuse yourself to another room and take some deep breaths until you feel calmer. If you’re going to see someone who makes you feel this way prepare yourself and just mentally check out of the conversation.

I think once you’re aware of it then it’s much easier to control.

OP I get like this when I'm depressed. I hate it and wish I could just be happy instead of a miserable cow who is snappy and sucks the life out of everyone. I've had loads of counselling but when I become overwhelmed in life and have lots of stress I become depressed (enough for anti-depressants) and I realise my depression has come back because of my irritability.

I have anxiety problems and have previously suffered with depression on and off. I know when I wasn't feeling good. Ie meds not working or reoccurrence of depression I felt really annoyed with the world. So perhaps it's a sign your not doing well?

Your response sort of proves my point

It’s good you want to do something about this so try CBT or speak to another professional.

I do agree with other PP though that you probably shouldn’t visit your MIL if you are wanting to influence how your DH spends what little time he may have with his dear mother. I’m shocked you are making that about you.

Op please ignore the not so nice comments. People are very ignorant towards mental health. People can cope with sad anything outside that scope sadly....

your not unpleasant x

OP I get you, Im often described as someone who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I’m like this quite a lot of the time, it’s much worse if I’m hungry, tired, angry about something else, stressed, have a headache or generally unhappy and it’s much worse when I have my period.

I agree with this. I find I'm less patient when something else is bugging me. On a small scale if I need a pee, have something on the hob have a headache and dh asks me something totally irrelevant.

Take stock of your life OP. Get help for your anxiety or depression. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat properly, exercise. Is something bugging you that takes up all your spare resilience so you get snappy?

Lovemenorca so what do your posts on here say about you, do you think? At least the OP has a degree of insight and self awareness.

@Lovemenorca your posts aren’t helpful or insightful- what would you expect the OP to say to you?

I know how irritating it can be. My mother is 81, and yes, increasingly repetitive, and every time I call I get chapter and verse about who she's talked to (you remember so and so, she held you on her lap when you were six months old), and everything she's eaten and done, sometimes two or three times in one call, and then again in the next!

Remember, they're not doing it to piss you off. Their world is getting progressively smaller, their hold on 'now time', as opposed to 'then time' increasingly less secure. Your DP has more patience with it, because of the bonds of love and history he shares with his mother, and because he can draw on reserves of patience and compassion that you don't share as a result, he just wants to make her happy.

There's a book called 'Doing the Rounds with Oscar', that gives a really good insight into dementia, maybe that could help? It certainly helped me be more patient. One day, this is very likely to be us. How would we like to be treated by our loved ones as we go gently into the good night with a condition that robs us of our present, and often ultimately our past as well?

Is it just with your mil and her stories? Is your DP doing it to wind you up or to help his mum? My mil was the same, 20 minutes at breakfast and we’d heard the same story about 5 times. You just grin and bear it, dementia is a horrible disease.

If it’s other areas of your life, please seek help.

Where's the violins ?

I have found that I keep going for the negative comments and thoughts and I hate it.

I now consciously choose to find and say the positive when I was going to say something negative.

I feel much better for it.

It does take some training but I am a happier person now.

At least look on the bright side op, you could be a lovely understanding, tolerant person like menorca Full of articulate, helpful and supportive advice

Thank you for those who have been supportive and understanding 😀
I have taken on board quite a few things that’s been suggested
I think quite a few people if truth me known, would wish for a change of lifestyle
So I’ve taken a mental note, to try and think before I speak.

We actually went through dementia with fil also, visiting the home where he eventually went into and died.
It was me that suggested visiting half the time near the end as dp found it too upsetting. So I know I’m not a nasty person, I’m too soft if anything

Fwiw
I’ve had mh problems over 35yrs
On antidepressants and diazepam everyday. Over many years I’ve had lots of therapy of different types
Nothing as helped or made a difference. I’ve just come out of CAT therapy

Anyway enough said, I’ve taken awareness from my visit and recognised my issues and will try and put them into practice

I just wanted suggestion on how to change myself to be more tolerant
That’s all

Dealing with someone with dementia - or having a chat with them - can be really frustrating. Dh and I would argue when we visited fil because I'd go along with what he said, talking about the past as if it were now, whereas dh would get upset and keep telling fil that it wasn't 1946 or whenever and that he wasn't going fishing this afternoon.

Advice to OP is a) not go. Be honest with your dh and say that the visits make you behave badly and you're sorry but it's best if you stay behind. Or b) go and grit your teeth, be as kind and tolerant as you can manage (Oscar-winning performance) but have something nice planned for afterwards, even if it's only fish and chips in the car.

i'm too soft if anything umm yes because it's 'soft' to visit your dying Fil in his care home..

I'm sorry but a nice person wouldn't try to shut down a conversation between a man and his mentally ill mother that is giving her some light in what is a really dark existence because it was 'irritating'. Just leave the bloody room.