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Original poster

Child not being invited to parties?

28 replies

Year1mumma · 19/10/2019 22:23

Just wondered if anyone could give any advice as I feel a bit down.

My DD is in year 1 at school and has always been a happy playful child, always seems to have friends and the teacher says she’s never alone and always playing with friends, no issues at all with friendships and DD is apparently popular amongst her peers.

Yet so far this year there have been 4 parties that I know of (2 whole class church hall types and 2 with a dozen or so kids from her friendship group) and she’s not been invited to any of them. She’s starting to notice and my heart is breaking for her.

I don’t really speak to any parents, I work full time so don’t do the school run usually but the odd time when I’ve made it, nobody’s even so much as said hi, I think the mums are quite ‘clicky’ so I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing? Or why?

Is it likely that there is something going on? I know I probably just need to get a thick skin and butt out but she’s really upset and saying about all of her friends going to parties that she’s not invited too. Has anyone experienced this?

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 20/10/2019 04:00

It seems odd that she was not invited to the whole class parties. Are you certain that you didn't miss an online invitation? Is there a class group on Facebook or similar?

Has she had a party yet? You may find that if you have a party, then people will be able to put a face to your name and hers...and then invitations will come. Is it a small community where they've all known one another for years?

Go up to people and just say hi...a good "in" is to ask a question related to the class or children Something about collection times or the teacher...something basic.

SnowsInWater · 20/10/2019 05:30

The school party thing is a nightmare at that age and even though you know you shouldn't stress about it it can be hard not to. I would wonder about the whole class thing though, if you are not usually around the school gates do you know how invites are usually distributed? Could there be a whole class FB page or App that you are not part of? Our school did not allow invites to be distributed at school so not only would teachers not put them in book bags, party invites could not be handed out on school premises and this was policed (much to the embarrassment of the alpha mum who assumed the rule didn't apply to her). There was a class list with contact details so you posted or e-mailed invites and if you had ticked the "no" box when asked for permission to share your details your child could well miss out. Not saying that is what is happening but if you know any of the other parents you could ask in a general way you might get your answer?

Witchend · 20/10/2019 08:35

Has she got the same or similar name as another child?
One of mine was best friends with a girl of very similar name (think Ellie/Ella) and several invitations went to the wrong one, including sometimes one getting 2 invites and the other none.

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Original poster
Year1mumma · 20/10/2019 08:52

Thanks for the replies!
It’s a fairly small place yes, we moved here from the other side of the country just before reception started and I assume a lot of them have been friends a long time.
She has an fairly unusual name so I don’t think it could be the name thing. Invites are given out by the child in the classroom.
I will find a parent next time I do the school run and ask if there is a FB group or anything, there hasn’t been any correspondence about it.

Can you tell she’s my first? Blush I know I shouldn’t stress but surely something is going on? If the teacher and her think she has lots of friends but she isn’t being invited anywhere Confused

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/10/2019 09:14

It's like this in my dds class. The mums only invite the children of the mums who they're friends with. I'm not in the clique, so my dd doesn't get invited, despite the fact my dd is a popular girl. It's shitty op

IggyAce · 20/10/2019 09:21

The school may have their own FB page, our school also has a parents group set up by parents that the school wouldn’t advertise. Our head knows about it and wasn’t happy at first, but it is great for keeping up with events and locating missing items.
Try searching fb for parents of then school name

GreenTulips · 20/10/2019 09:28

I think the mums are quite ‘clicky’

You work, they collect their children. They use each other as a support network to take each other’s kids to parties and clubs and fill in a few hours after school. SAHP need adults around and friendships.

I doubt they do it on purpose but if you don’t make the effort to get to know them, then you can’t expect them too. It’s more that because you aren’t there, you don’t get thought about.

Have you checked her tray at school?

purplepalace · 20/10/2019 09:42

I agree that somehow your missed the invitations.

When is her birthday? If you throw a 'whole class' party it may get you and her on their radar and you could meet a few of the mums, that may help?

Original poster
Year1mumma · 20/10/2019 09:52

DD has said when she’s not given one, I think that’s when she gets upset - when she sees them getting handed out and none for her.

I get that they can all be friends and it’s great they have a support network, I don’t! But surely it should be about the friendships of the child not the adults?

Her birthday is end July so I didn’t throw one last school year as didn’t think anyone would turn up with it being summer hols. I might try this year if I can find some money, do you think kids will still turn up? Even though the parents don’t really know me?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 20/10/2019 10:11

But surely it should be about the friendships of the child not the adults?

It really isn’t

SushiGo · 20/10/2019 10:14

I agree, it's incredibly unlikely that two parents would have deliberately not invited your child to a whole class party.

I would check with the school that the class list of names (that parents can ask for when they are doing invites) has your child's name on, or if there is some other mistake that means she is inadvertently being left out.

formerbabe · 20/10/2019 10:18

But surely it should be about the friendships of the child not the adults

It should be

FindaPenny · 20/10/2019 10:21

Has your daughter had any playdates either at your house or at others? At my daughters school if you aren't doing 50 playdates a week or letting your children do sleepovers at 5 years old, you start to get left out of the loop a bit.... Luckily my daughter found a couple of friends whose parents weren't into that.

Surferdude · 20/10/2019 10:25

That’s a shame for her
Check if the teacher hands out a name list for parties as she might have missed off it
Or some of the parents might use an old version if she was registered a bit late to the school
My daughter was registered right at the end of the summer before starting reception and she wasn’t on the class list

BillHadersNewWife · 20/10/2019 11:22

My DD's birthday is end of July. I've always had her party early. I have it in the last two weeks of term. I know it's not quite the same but it's the only way.

ShippingNews · 20/10/2019 11:34

Change her birthday , so that she can have a party in the school term. I always did this with Ds's birthday, so all the kids could be invited. Nobody knows or cares when the actual date is.

Pilot12 · 20/10/2019 11:41

At my son's nursery each teacher has a drawer in reception. Party invites etc go in the drawer and it's the parents responsibility to check the drawer regularly to see if there's anything in it for their child. I check it once a week. Maybe the school has something similar?

Nubbin · 20/10/2019 11:56

I imagine you are missing off the WhatsApp group or similar. It is rare anyone sends invites in dds class - it is all done in the parents WhatsApp channels for full class ones.

mankyfourthtoe · 20/10/2019 12:56

So you didn't throw a party last year? It might have been noted by other parents and they're invited those who invited them last year.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/10/2019 13:29

Manky OP says there were 2 whole class parties...are you saying all 29 kids or however many there are, ALL had parties?

No way.

It's more than likely some whatsapp group OP's not part of.

mankyfourthtoe · 20/10/2019 15:38

Tbh in reception that's all anyone had here until year one onwards and then they started to filter friends down.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/10/2019 22:24

Manky well yes but not the entire class! Many kids don't get a party.

mankyfourthtoe · 20/10/2019 22:37

I can only go on our experience but yes I can't remember my kids not going to a party in reception. Some buddied up thankfully so we didn't suffer 29 parties

BillHadersNewWife · 20/10/2019 22:57

manky did all the class have a party? Every child?

DelurkingAJ · 20/10/2019 22:59

I feel your pain. I’ve become paranoid about this as DS1 is clearly excluded because I’m not on the school gate. I have a good friend who is who was stunned he wasn’t invited when her son was and did some polite digging and found it was ‘well, we don’t see DelurkingAJ so we didn’t invite DS1.’ This particular mother had happily brought her DD to DS1’s parties in Reception and Y1! Luckily DS1 seems not to have noticed but I find it a bit difficult to be as polite as I once was...

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