My head is a mess trying to figure out who will get custody

[justwanttoffly]

I'm sorry for the post, I'm just scared and anxious.

'D'H and I are likely separating. We moved to Scotland a few years ago when his family moved there for work (I just went along with it). We're both from South Wales. Two DD's, one and nearly 3. I work full time because H refuses to work so he's their 'carer' (if you can call him that). If we split, I'm moving back home to my family but H is insistent he would win full custody. Do you think that's likely? TIA

If he opposes you moving with the children in court, it his HIGHLY likely he will win.
You will really, REALLY need to prove that the proposed move will be of huge benefit to the children, nothing about you.
How do you propose contact will work? FaceTime? You driving them up and down every fortnight? Half of the school holidays?
At their ages you need to work out what would be suitable for the girls.
South Wales is a helluva distance from Scotland.
You should get legal advice ASAP.
Dad is as entitled to be the resident parent every bit as much as you are I’m afraid.
I wish you well though.

Oh and he’s not their “cater” he’s their parent.

*Carer

Are you not causing huge problems by announcing you are going back to Wales at this stage? Clearly someone will be the responsible parent and you are giving him every opportunity to say it’s him and DC stay in Scotland. He has family help there too I assume.

I would see an experienced family solicitor but delay any move to Wales. Inevitably one of you won’t see much of the DC if you do that and are you prepared to shuttle them between you? How would you do this? It seems very unfair on them and they might struggle to do this when they have school and friends that matter to them. The courts put children first and so should you. Both of you.

@Clangus00 I said that because the form said full time carer, and it's questionable tbh.

Not responsible - I meant resident.

@BubblesBuddy I was thinking something along the lines of alternative weeks, when DD1 starts nursery then perhaps four days and then king weekend uo there? Haven't thought that much into it tbh

As he has been the parent at home with the children, it is likely that he will be granted residency. Will he be returning to work now?

I can’t see any good reasons that will hugely benefit your children moving them to South Wales away from their father that has been primary carer (crap term but the one that is used) for them.

You need legal advice ASAP.

There is no way alternative weeks would work, your kids would be knackered.

@MustardScreams but I only went back into work because he emotionally guilted me into it. He refused, who was going to feed my kids?

I was thinking something along the lines of alternative weeks

This wouldn't be in the best interests of much older children, nevermind ones as young as yours

Okay @Clangus00, three with me, one with him, school holidays split (unless it's just a week one)? It's been sudden so I'd need to think that through more.

@justwanttoffly I know you were doing the right thing by your children, but courts like to keep stability and similar surroundings, especially for young children.

Have you evidence of his emotional abuse?

@MustardScreams abuse to me, yes, he wouldn't do that to the kids.

If he won, what entitlement would I have?

Don’t think of it as winning, it’s not a competition. You both need to put your children’s needs ahead of both of you. This is about what is the best for them, and it’s not always what you want.

I can’t tell you what a judge will decide. You need to speak to a solicitor on Monday.

What if I stopped working and we 'co' parented? Financially shit but would that help me?

It feels like that though @MustardScreams. He can be very vicious/cruel when he wants to be.

No idea what you would get whilst they are so young but at that distance I'd imagine you would get school holidays only once they start school.

I wouldn't move to Wales without them.

I'm telling you, he's not what's best for them. He emotionally abuses me, DD1 is frequently in her nappy all day (even in this weather), he doesn't brush her teeth, he doesn't take them out during the day, doesn't get them (and himself) up until about 11am. I could go on.

Stay put and sort it out in Scotland. That gives you the best position. You have work, can maintain a household and will see DC. That’s best for them too.

@BubblesBuddy is that off the premise that he gets full custody?

I would take on a joint carer role as from now to establish precedence. Maybe difficult financially for a bit, but if you can manage, do it.

You'll be better off living separately in Scotland for the next couple of years. Agree shared care with him and I'm sure over time he will whittle it down so that you are main carer if he's as lazy as you say. Then when the kids are older and established with you you can think about moving.