My head is a mess trying to figure out who will get custody

[justwanttoffly]

I'm sorry for the post, I'm just scared and anxious.

'D'H and I are likely separating. We moved to Scotland a few years ago when his family moved there for work (I just went along with it). We're both from South Wales. Two DD's, one and nearly 3. I work full time because H refuses to work so he's their 'carer' (if you can call him that). If we split, I'm moving back home to my family but H is insistent he would win full custody. Do you think that's likely? TIA

Is there any room for movement with your work days or hours so you can push 50/50 as the norm? I don't know how it works with need for consistency and DC rights to spend time with both parents, but I see many threads on here where Mothers are told to suck it up when their ex partners want 50/50, these guys can't all be unemployed or part time workers. How sympathetic would your employer be? This does seem unfair as like you say you go to work out of necessity because he refuses to step up.

How would he pay for court and is he likely to do it?

Unfortunately because he's been the "primary carer" it's unlikely a judge would allow you to move away with the children.

I think your best plan of action would be to keep on working in Scotland, get a house big enough for you and the kids, sort child care out for whilst you are at work and you have main residency with the children. Sort out a feasible contact arrangement with your ex that would be good for the children. Eg you pay for mornings at a nursery and he collects them. This would eliminate the not getting up til 11am and staying in dirty nappies.

If he's not caring for them properly you need to deal with that now while you are still together. You can't argue that he is a bad parent and shouldn't have custody if you are leaving them in his care while you work. Is there any chance you could put the children in nursery or a child minder? Do you have evidence of poor care e.g. persistent nappy rash etc

I think you need proper legal advice. I would be very careful talking to him about any plans you have.

I was thinking something along the lines of alternative weeks, when DD1 starts nursery then perhaps four days and then king weekend uo there? Haven't thought that much into it tbh

Between Scotland and South Wales? Surely not?

If he’s providing inadequate care the courts are going to ask you what steps you have taken to resolve this? And obviously come down hard on him. But you need to be able to prove it, they don’t just take anecdotes as you could say anything.

Can you start organising childcare?

Quick name change as I couldn't read and run.

I've been in the same boat, and the ex was convinced he would get the house and the kids - he only wanted them so he could claim child support and basically sit on his backside all day!

He didn't, I did and he then refused to see them for 2 years.

1. you need to get legal advice ASAP, most family solicitors will give you a free session to begin with.
2. pay to get that advice in writing
3. keep it in a safe place away from prying eyes
4. do not leave the family home
5. hire a nanny or get some form of childcare arranged
6. once all this is done kick him out.
7. he will attempt to gaslight, he will be spreading shit trying to damage your reputation - do not engage, do not let this distract you.
8. change locks, file for custody.
9. only move once you have anything else sorted. Do not move now.

The courts won't take your word for it that he isn't caring for the children properly. They (ime) will ask why you allowed this to continue while you were together, if it's the case, so it may well backfire on you.

He can, and probably will, prevent you from moving with the children. He will likely be entitled to legal aid up in Scotland as well.

Your best bet, from what you have said here will be to go for 50/50 and remain in Scotland.

I've had a friend recently go through something similar and it was a pretty shitty time, but she has the kids 50/50 now (and they both claim benefits for a child each as neither now work).

Ps

Tell him you've changed your mind about moving to Wales. And tell everyone else that as well. It doesn't matter if it is isn't true.

So you move away with the children

• who will look after them and how will you find your life?

Single mums do work you know! They don’t all stay at home on benefits.

We live with his dad- can't kick him out.

That's a whole other story though.

Woah @BubblesBuddy I didn't see where I said that??

Your position is very weak tbh. The children are used to living with dad and grandad, plus dad is at home to take care of them. The judge will want stability for the children and on paper dad can give that, whereas you are not home, don't have a home and want to move far away. Where is the stability in that? And your plans on sharing tge children are very short term as well, how do you plan to do that once they start school? As the parent moving away they could make you do all the travelling so the children see their dad, how do you propose to do that?

You need to take step 1 first and get some legal advice urgently, please. Then make a proper plan, based on that advice.