Worrying behaviour and comment by dd's school friend. Reported, but now worrying I've done the wrong thing

[conernedbutcautious]

Hi,

Name changed for this, as it could be very outing. I've already tried to get some rl advice.

Dd comes home from school yesterday and seems very on edge and upset. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she said she couldn't say. I backed off for a while, hoping she'd tell me in her own time and then an hour or so later she came up to me and said that she needed to talk to me and that it was about her friend.

Apparently she's been playing episodes of Naked Attraction during break times, for her and her friends to view. This is obviously incredibly inappropriate and not so much the nakedness, but the dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I've watched and giggled at few episodes myself, but do I want my or any other 12 year old watching it? Not so much! As I said, it's the conversation that's the worst bit. Comments such as "do you reckon you could fit that penis in your mouth" or the latest one I saw "I'd like that foot in my vagina" are obviously 100% not appropriate for school kids!

However, on a more worrying note, the girl in question, said that she watches the show with her dad every week and he said she should go on it. This is creepy as hell, right? So I called the school anonymously and reported it to the safeguarding team. I reported it as a general concern, due to the fact any dc could be accessing this stuff at school, which I know is actually incredibly difficult to police, due to 4G, but mainly as a student safety concern with the girl. I explained what had happened and she did seem to take it seriously and said she'd chat to the girl, but would also need to contact the dad.

Of course, best case scenario this girl has made it all up and just needs a sharp shock to understand that if you spread these lies, innocent people can get into a lot of trouble. But then, what if it's true? What if her dad really is a horrible person? He's not going to admit it, is he? What if he then takes his anger out in this girl? I can't bear the thought.

Please, tell me I've done the right thing.

Im 47 and I would feel very uncomfortable watching that with my dad.
You have done the right thing.

And to add to the concern, apparently this girl is given alcohol and drinks with her parents.

This family sounds highly dysfunctional and inappropriate, or your DDs pal is a liar, which is very possible. Either way then it sounds like intervention from a place of safeguarding is needed.

@Inapropriatefemale, here's desperately hoping it's the latter.

I remember having those friends at school that made things up reguarly for attention, but they'd be less subtle and much more obviously shocking iyswim. I just don't think you'd say you watched naked attraction with your dad to gain cool points or to get attention.

I suppose my biggest fear is that I've potentially made it worse. If something is happening, but he denies and believe him and decide not to take it any further, what if he punishes her for letting it slip?

How is that worse than nobody bothering to speak up or even attempting to protect her? Which is what you seem to be suggesting as the alternative.

Trust me, if something is happening, it would be even more destructive in the long run for her to realise other adults had concerns and did nothing to even try to protect her. Which at some point she will realise and be unable to comprehend.

Your report could be the final jigsaw piece for the school regarding this child and means that she gets the help and support she needs. As a teacher we are always told that any thing that concerns us is best to report as we don't know what other info the safe guarding team have so what to us may just be a small thing but concerning might be the final thing in a long line of concerning behaviour which now means they can act. ( not that I think your info is a small thing)

Honestly, don't worry about it you have done the right thing.

I was once friends with a woman who was friends with a woman who can only be described as off her heid, my friend had been through sexual abuse at the hands of her Dad and she told this woman, anyway over time this woman told my friend that her brother sexually abused her but they had made up now (she was always with him) and he babysat her 8 year old DD, when my pal told me this I was fuming and said to her ‘surely your going to call social services’ and my friend said that if she did then the woman would know that it was her and that ‘it’s too late for the wee girl anyway if she is going through it’ and I was really mad at my friend and I contacted SS myself, it turns out that said woman had made it all up to get attention from my friend! I stopped being friends with my friend after she did absolutely nothing (even though it was nothing but she wasn’t to know this) about it and had such a strange outlook on it considering she had been through it herself, well so she says, it’s just that she’d tell me certain things that her father had done to her and I used to think ‘I swear I’ve read that in a book’ and my friend was very well read so it made me wonder.

People are all sorts of crazy and if this child has made it up then there is obviously a reason for this which needs to be addressed by SS anyway, she may have an extreme need for attention which would point to a MH issue, or an issue at home.

There are all kinds of reasons why people make strange things up and we’ll never know why.

I suppose my biggest fear is that I've potentially made it worse. If something is happening, but he denies and believe him and decide not to take it any further, what if he punishes her for letting it slip? Honestly, it makes me feel sick.

I hear you, OP. We get told that little things add up and that disclosures are taken seriously etc etc, but in my experience safeguarding procedures are generally not fit for purpose. The things I've seen social services basically ignore would make your hair curl. The burden of proof is impossibly high and I have seen children make serious disclosures about parents and then be sent home with said parents that evening by social workers.

That said, you've done what you had to do and failings in the system are not your fault. Some areas are much hotter on safeguarding than others (mainly to do with how much pressure the services are under locally as far as I can see). Whatever does or doesn't happen now is not up to you and you have categorically done the right thing. Try not to think about it if you can.

You did the right thing. School may already have concerns, and this will be more evidence that something is wrong. The family sound very dysfunctional.

When I was at school (2007 onwards) there were a few girls in my year that were just written off as “slags” as they were sexually active in year 7/8 and one had an abortion.

They were very confident, would alter their school uniform to look more “fit” (eg shirt buttons undone), & always spoke about sex acts/dating etc. So it never hit me at the time that this was abuse as they seemed okay/happy/confident- I mean I was 12 myself.

It’s only now that I look back and can plainly see that they were being abused. They were children, and the people they were dating were probably 16-18 year olds rather than other 12 year olds. It’s crazy how teachers etc knew but never stepped in.

You done the right thing. My friends dad use to have her dance with actions to Patricia the stripper for him and his pals.
My DM reported it.

You did the right thing. Thank you OP

Social Services knew what was happening in Rotherham and did absolutely naff all and called 13 year olds prostitutes rather than the abused kids that they were, I don’t always have faith in them, they can be too hard on the wrong parents and too soft on the wrong parents.

Some of these stories are so disturbing and of course, the Rotherham case is beyond harrowing and the way those children were treated, not just by the vile "men" who abused them, but by social services, who let those poor girls down, beyond belief. It makes me so angry and incredibly sad, every time I'm reminded. Sadder still, this will have been happening elsewhere and will happen again.

Let's hope lessons really were learnt. I'm very sceptical.

Y’all are cotton wool parents about GOT.
First, I’m in US and we see gun violence every day. So that’s our reality.

Second, GOT is not “reality TV” like naked attraction, it’s a fantasy set in a world similar to our dark ages but with dragons and zombies. Yes, it has violence, slavery, rape in it...but that’s what medieval worlds were like. They weren’t nice times with Cinderella and chivalrous knights singing poetry outside a Rose bower. Being descended from slaves who were raped, why would I shield a 12yr old from gritty portrayals of these things? We have younger kids raped or shot in real life here so if they’ve seen it in real life, there is no harm watching a fantasy where characters experience violence/rape too and how they overcome it.

But anyway, the point is that GOT is a parenting difference, it’s not “very worrying” like a red flag for sex abuse like the OPs situation where a father is using a dating show with nudity and sex talk to justify him essentially making sexual passes towards his own daughter/ grooming her.

Y’all are cotton wool parents about GOT.
First, I’m in US and we see gun violence every day. So that’s our reality.

A large part of what is wrong with the US summed up in one sentence.

You've totally done the right thing.Had a friend at school who was always referring to her dad bought her this,that&the other (undies&satiny negliges)to wear&how he liked her to sleep in with him when it was cold..she only realised it was unusual when we all recoiled&took the piss.I wish id been a more mature12year old as10years later when i was just out of uni she was in&out of our local psychiatric ward&he was in prison.I still regret what i didnt say.