MIL Christmas saga

[Judemahmoodid]

Can anyone give me some advice. I’ve name changed for this in case SIL uses mumsnet.

My SIL and I are married to two brothers. Our MIL is on her own and is a bit difficult. I have a better relationship with her than my SIL has with her but I don’t adore her at the best of times either. We don’t see much of my BIL or SIL either, we are all busy with our own lives and don’t have a huge amount in common.

For the past few years it’s been an unspoken rule that we have spend every alternate year with the MIL. So for example last year we spent Xmas with my MIL which BIL\SIL went abroad. This year DH and I are spending Xmas with my family who live in a different country; theoretically they should be spending Christmas with her.

My husband spoke to my MIL earlier today who told him that the BIL/SIL plan on visiting her on Boxing Day. So she will be alone on Christmas Day. I’m a bit shocked at this. I think my husband should have a word with his brother but he said he won’t as “he knows what his brother is like”. I’m tempted to speak to my SIL (we have a cordial/civil relationship) but DH told me to stay out of it and I do get where he is coming from.
I feel shocked that they would be happy to leave my MIL alone at Christmas. But equally I don’t see my family often, we have booked our flights back to my home country so I’m not going to give that up.

So as not to drip feed, my DH and his brother also have a cordial, slightly formal relationship. There isn’t any great warmth between them and it’s always slightly awkward when we see them but no bad blood either. They have 3 teenage kids, we have two primary aged DC.
MIL has one sister but their relationship isn’t great either. No other family alive.

Should I just stay out of it because it really isn’t my problem? I do feel bad for my MIL though.

I don't think I've drip fed at least it certainly wasn't my intention. If I were to have put every bit of anecdotal evidence about why she has every right to be upset, or indeed why BIL/SIL have every right not to invite her, I'd still be writing the initial post.

My BIL hasn't spoken to her yesterday since so I don't know anything else.
Both my SIL and I are fairly strong, independent women so we don't worry too much about the fact that we are both "forriners" rather than being from the Home Counties. In fact if anything we roll our eyes with some amusement because I don't think she means it to be personal, it's far more about keeping up appearances (think Hyacinth Bucket). I genuinely don't think she means to be spiteful, she just doesn't think much before she speaks and if my DH picks her up on something, she will always say she doesn't mean it the way it sounds. He is quite soft with her so he lets her get away with a lot, mainly because he feels sorry for the way her life turned out. She never got over the fact that my FIL left and although I think we must all take responsibility for our own lives/happiness to a large extent, he did behave like a shit and I do feel sorry for her.

Anyway now I am starting to go off in a tangent. I'm going to try and stay out of it but I have no doubt that there will be some tearful phone calls from her to my DH over the coming weeks.

They don’t have an obligation to have a relationship with her, if you feel an obligation it is very much your problem.

My siblings in law have been voicing similar grievances as yours but they have no idea how horrible MIL is to us. Her behaviour towards me ranges from defamatory to deeply deeply offensive (I do not offend easily). Her behaviour towards DH is emotionally abusive. We have two young children and we have concerns about how this will effect them, not least of all because she occasionally chooses to drag them into it. We also have more stressful lives than DH’s siblings (again we haven’t told them b the full extent because we do not want to burden them). DH has put his foot down and won’t have her anymore because he just can’t take it anymore. While I am willing to take one for the team I am quite glad and feel much better (emotionally) since he decided that she was no longer his problem. I would imagine your BIL has similar feelings.

Stay out of it

I have had alternate Christmases alone for the last 30 years (give or take a few exceptions). I used to find it pretty shitty but - at the end of the day it is still just a day, it lasts 24 hours the same as any other. In fact in many ways it is better than others as there is plenty to watch on the TV.

Even at it's worst, when my kids were young, it still lasted 24 hours the same as any other day.

Honestly, keep your beak out. If your MIL is an old cow, it's at least partly her own fault that your SIL doesn't want to see her on Christmas day, and it is no one's job, least of all yours, to try and guilt-trip BIL and SIL into changing their plans.

This might not help, but when my dss got too big to stay in my parents tiny house, we booked in for Christmas Eve in a Youth Hostel not too far away as a budget stay nearby. The Hostel was an old manor house, and when we arrived was decorated inside beautifully with foliage and fairy lights. We left the next morning for my parents having cooked scrambled eggs and smoked salmon in a kitchen with 10 single older people, who were all booked in individually for country walks and Christmas lunch together. I felt really sad to be missing out on their celebrations. Can't recommend it enough as a very cheap way to find a group of people to celebrate with.

It may well not be your MILs cup of tea, but if there is any chance that she can cope with a bunk bed and walks in the country then single rooms start at around £40 for the night. She doesn't have to be in a dormitory, and she doesn't have to be alone.

Don't put any pressure on your Dh. This is not his issue. If your BIL and SIL have made plans that don't include MIL then that's up to them. It's not up to you or Dh to get involved. You have your own plans and you stick to them. Maybe being alone will give MIL time to think about the relationships she has with people - you, SIL, her own sister. She might make more of an effort to engage with you all in a more positive manner from now on.

I'm sure your MIL posted about this the other day. Stories sound too similar. Off to look for thread, back soon

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3717596-Christmas-quandary-no-invite-this-year-for-grandparents

But will she hate being alone at Xmas?

We had the same issue with my dm, who could be very difficult. One Xmas she told us all to go away & leave her alone because she wanted to watch tv in peace, without a load of noisy messy children spoiling her day.
Have you asked your MIL what she would like?

Doubt it's the same story usethegood. This post doesn't seem to have a FIL.

Unless really you think you can help the situation I'd stay out of it. Don't do the wifework thing of liaising with SIL, this is for the brothers to figure out. It sounds like they've had enough of the negative effect she has on their Christmas

Yes, I’ve decided thanks to you all to stay out of it. Nothing to do with me. Feel like a weight has been lifted off although I’m bracing myself for her next visit when the MIL will no doubt tell me all about how upset she is. Still, that’s another post for another day.
Thank you all.