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Original poster

MIL Christmas saga

63 replies

Judemahmoodid · 15/10/2019 23:37

Can anyone give me some advice. I’ve name changed for this in case SIL uses mumsnet.

My SIL and I are married to two brothers. Our MIL is on her own and is a bit difficult. I have a better relationship with her than my SIL has with her but I don’t adore her at the best of times either. We don’t see much of my BIL or SIL either, we are all busy with our own lives and don’t have a huge amount in common.

For the past few years it’s been an unspoken rule that we have spend every alternate year with the MIL. So for example last year we spent Xmas with my MIL which BIL\SIL went abroad. This year DH and I are spending Xmas with my family who live in a different country; theoretically they should be spending Christmas with her.

My husband spoke to my MIL earlier today who told him that the BIL/SIL plan on visiting her on Boxing Day. So she will be alone on Christmas Day. I’m a bit shocked at this. I think my husband should have a word with his brother but he said he won’t as “he knows what his brother is like”. I’m tempted to speak to my SIL (we have a cordial/civil relationship) but DH told me to stay out of it and I do get where he is coming from.
I feel shocked that they would be happy to leave my MIL alone at Christmas. But equally I don’t see my family often, we have booked our flights back to my home country so I’m not going to give that up.

So as not to drip feed, my DH and his brother also have a cordial, slightly formal relationship. There isn’t any great warmth between them and it’s always slightly awkward when we see them but no bad blood either. They have 3 teenage kids, we have two primary aged DC.
MIL has one sister but their relationship isn’t great either. No other family alive.

Should I just stay out of it because it really isn’t my problem? I do feel bad for my MIL though.

OP posts:
Damntheman · 16/10/2019 09:59

Grief stay out of it, not your year not your decision. If your MIL doesn't want to be alone then she needs to talk to her son about it (and perhaps make more of an effort to get along with her DIL). I wouldn't be that psyched about spending xmas day with someone I don't get along with either. You're being very judgemental.

Original poster
Judemahmoodid · 16/10/2019 10:16

Yes, maybe I am being judgemental. I hadn’t thought of it like that really. The truth is, my mother in law can be quite passive aggressive with my SIL. I don’t blame SIL not wanting to spend Christmas with her. If truth be known, I don’t really like spending it with her either but I see it as being “the right thing to do”.
However she’s also nicer to me than she is to my SiL albeit she doesn’t adore either of us. She’s never made a secret of the fact that she’s disappointed we are not from the Home Counties, which is what she wanted for her sons.

To answer someone above, we will definitely have a Christmas dinner with her either directly before or after Christmas, complete with turkey and presents.

I think the bottom line here is that I’m getting emotionally invested in something that has nothing to do with me so I’m going to stay out of it.

OP posts:
Pandaintheporridge · 16/10/2019 10:24

Why should her son and dil spend this special day with her if she is unpleasant and judgemental to them? Why reward this behaviour? I'm surprised you think "less of them" for that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families
Patienceisvirtuous · 16/10/2019 10:26

Well mil reaps what she’s sown I guess. This year though, not your circus, not your monkeys. Relax and enjoy your year off.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/10/2019 10:39

Stay out of it.

Your MIL sounds like an unpleasant person who is just now seeing the pay off from alienating everyone. And unless she is extremely elderly, confined to her home by disability, has no phone and dementia, she could find herself somewhere to to on Christmas day, even if it's just lunch at the local Working Men's Club!

Does she sit there waiting for everyone to dance attendance upon her? Maybe she needs this year as a wake up call.

BlueLadybird · 16/10/2019 10:43

Does your MIL have any friends who are also likely to be alone? Could you pay for a lunch out as her Christmas present?

I think your BIL&SIL are being mean, but perhaps if she isn’t very nice the rest of the year they don’t feel inclined to be kind at Christmas.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2019 10:56

Are you genuinely worried about MIL spending Christmas day alone? Or are you miffed that they're getting out of their turn, and having the balls to end a routine that they no longer want to be in?

Bouffalant · 16/10/2019 11:23

Stay out of it.

Tbh I hate all of the guilt tripping posts, likely from people who have good relationships with family members.

Someone isn't very nice to people and therefore people don't want to spend time with them. Simple really.

Original poster
Judemahmoodid · 16/10/2019 11:29

@Justmuddlingalong.

I think there is an element of that. I don’t like spending Christmas with her at all. But I suppose it’s also because I absolutely love Christmas with my family, visiting relatives and catching up with friends whereas Christmas with her is just myself, DH and the DC so very low key. And also, I would hate the idea of being on my own on Christmas day and I know she won’t be happy either so I do feel a bit bad for her.

I’ve probably made her out to be nastier than she is. She isn’t horrible per se but she is generally bitter about her life (her husband left her many years ago with two very young children having had affairs throughout their relationship). She is obsessed with others’ opinion of her, in terms of social status. My SIL is a SAHM (BIL very high earner) and my MIL moans that all the financial pressure is on her son and isn’t her DIL lucky to have a great life (one that she herself didn’t have as she had to support her family). Yet I work full time and she tells my husband that our DC must be “missing their mummy” as she’s always at work. You can’t win with her. But I think she generally means well (ish), she is always happy to help out with my DC and adores them which endears her to me. I know my SIL tolerance threshold is lower.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 16/10/2019 11:34

"She’s never made a secret of the fact that she’s disappointed we are not from the Home Counties"

Every so often you get an OP from a mother of sons, worried that all the MIL threads on here mean she'll have a bad relationship with her own DIL. I think next time one pops up I will quote this sentence.

OP - you do what you do. Every other year, as normal. Or you're just taking the pressure off BIL and SIL and before you know it you'll be picking up other stuff too. If your DH was able to he might point out that MIL's attitude to SIL probably hasn't helped...

Sparklfairy · 16/10/2019 11:37

This is quite sad and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I've spent Christmas alone before after a big family fallout, and having been brought up that families come together at Christmas no matter what their differences it was a shock to say the least. I made the best of it, but it made me really think about all the people, particularly elderly, who do this year in year out. If there is ever a time to put your differences aside and get along, it's Christmas. Goodwill to all men and all that.

I don't have any advice but I empathise with both you and your mil Flowers

Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2019 11:44

In that case, I think you have to respect SIL and BIL's decision. If they're unhappy with MIL's behaviour and have had enough, then they have every right to change how they spend Christmas. You are spending every second year with her out of guilt and obligation, regardless of the fact you don't enjoy it. That's your issue. I agree though, that if BIL and SIL are pulling back, you will be expected to pick up the slack. You need to decide if you'll be happy to do that, while not trying to make BIL and SIL feel guilty.

DreamingofSunshine · 16/10/2019 11:46

Does she help with BIL and SILs children?

It does sound unkind, I've got relatives I'm not keen on but I wouldn't want them to be alone at Christmas. I really don't think you can speak to them about it though, it's for your DH to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2019 11:49

I agree it sounds like you’re envious of their decision to duck out of their turn and if that’s true you don’t get to judge them or feel less respect for them Hmm

It’s sad when people spend Christmas alone. It’s sad when people have relatives who make unkind rude comments about how they live their lives the rest of the year!

MIL isn’t entitled to be hosted by people she feels fine criticising the other 364 days. Maybe she’ll get in a huff and refuse to go to BIL and SIL’s in future, win win for them.

Chunkers · 16/10/2019 12:09

Has MIL said what she thinks should happen now?

I agree with Anne above. If people aren’t nice to you, you can’t expect to spend a special day with them.

Christmas alone is a tad weird, but it’s just another day, she’ll live.

escapade1234 · 16/10/2019 12:14

I'm shocked at the amount of you saying to stay out of it. This is everything that's wrong in modern society. Do we not care about anyone other than ourselves and our nuclear family?!

Hear, hear.

escapade1234 · 16/10/2019 12:15

Bit of a drip feed going on here 🙄

escapade1234 · 16/10/2019 12:16

I’m trying to work out what crime this MIL has committed. A few indelicate comments and you’re condemned it seems.

Pandaintheporridge · 16/10/2019 12:25
Hmm
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2019 12:27

A few indelicate comments and you’re condemned it seems.

Condemned? Hardly. Just not invited to spend Christmas Day with people you happily and persistently criticise for their lifestyle and parenting year round. No one has a right to be hosted for any event. No one has a right to slag people off then act shocked when they’re not welcomed with open arms.

She’s an adult who manages to live alone, she has a sister, she may have friends if she has people in her life she manages not to criticise, she can hit them up for an invite or, ask them to go to hers for the day.

dreichsky · 16/10/2019 12:36

There are quite often community events for older people who might be alone at Christmas, she could consider those.
Longer term she could consider being a positive and pleasant person to her DIL so that she is genuinely welcomed into her house.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/10/2019 12:41

Or the two sons could arrange a hotel holiday for their mum over Christmas. Or she could arrange the same for herself. As I said above, if she's not disabled, she can always book herself a holiday - no need to spend Christmas alone. She doesn't have to be completely passive about the whole thing!

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 16/10/2019 12:50

There's a world of difference between 'indelicate comments' and making it clear that your DILs aren't good enough for your sons.

blablablabla123 · 16/10/2019 12:56

Last christmas I had just split with my boyfriend, due to differnet expectations of christmas day , (he likes turkey brandy butter etc at 12.30) along with his negativity and dependency I refused to host him. He is an only child and parents died years ago.

I wrapped up lots of little presents for him many of which were retro, so things he may have received when younger, including dvds of old movies, chocolates etc and provided a hamper of christmas food in small portions. He tells me that the pillowcase for the end of his bed was wonderful to dig into with plenty to unwrap and keep him busy for the day, the food was very welcome. Would something like this help for mil? I spent about £75 bargin hunting and felt it money well spent to give me the christmas i want.

Mintlegs · 16/10/2019 12:58

I must be the sister in law you are talking about! Seriously, I have had years of unpleasantness and truly awful behaviour and situations which have impacted also on my children. If the other sister in law knew what my mother in law says about her behind her back (racist, nasty comments, unjustified comments about her as a mother) however, she would never speak to her again! I simply ignore and stay out of it!