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Original poster

DP very clumsy with newborn

30 replies

EmeraldIsle81 · 15/10/2019 21:34

Hey Mumsnet
Advice please, my DP is very clumsy with our newborn DS, (now7weeks).
Tonight he walked into the bedroom holding the baby in the crook of his arm and banged the baby's head off the door! He didn't even notice!!! I had to tell him what he'd done, just mumbled oh sorry and handed me the baby.
Lots of other incidents of clumsiness where baby is at risk of getting hurt. I'm finding it hard to trust him now with looking after the baby on his own.
What to do?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 15/10/2019 21:42

Babies are pretty hardy. Nature has built them with toddler siblings in mind. Sure you can’t go around shaking them (different to rocking or patting) and you can’t go dropping them out of a second story window or play dwarf throwing with them but what you have described, meh, just let him get off with fathering.

kayakingmum · 15/10/2019 21:43

My DP did that the other day too.
I don't think you can do anything about clumsiness. Just limit the time he holds him e.t.c for the next few weeks.

At least you presumably don't have to worry about a 2 year old interacting with him. My DD has dropped my DS on his head (She thought it would be a good idea to pick him up while I went upstairs to get some wipes), she's hit him with a hairbrush and bitten him on the head.

All you can do is try to avoid harm to your DS. He'll soon get bigger and past the most fragile new born phase. Try not to worry too much.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 21:44

Is the baby’s head okay?

Everyone slips up but that’s just fucking stupid and I’d be angry and upset.

I don’t think bashing a newborn’s head into a door because you’re being careless is at all alright or comes under “fathering”.

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Starryskye · 15/10/2019 21:52

My partner was like that when we had our DD but I just stopped letting him hold her without my supervision and I did everything for her until 6 months old when we nearly split up because he said I was controlling and our daughter didn't know him and I said he was useless and careless. Fast forward to our 1yo and we're together happier than ever because we were finally honest.

It's not okay or normal to bash a newborns head but it's not fair on you to limit his time. Just have an honest chat and tell him how you feel. With all the hormones after I had DD my partner didn't have a clue how I was feeling ever so might be same for you.

FridalovesDiego · 15/10/2019 22:23

How did he not notice? If the baby did not cry, I doubt the baby noticed either. So no harm done.

Horehound · 15/10/2019 22:25

I'd be concerned he didn't notice and didn't seem to care or check if the baby was ok.
I'd be tempted not to let him hold the baby or look after the baby.

Is he stupid?

EmmiJay · 15/10/2019 22:31

I want to say bang his head on the door frame and see if he likes it (maybe some sense will awaken too!) BUT teach him how to hold the babies head with his other hand covering DS's head. Like a cocoon hold, i think its called? He needs to be careful!

BrokenWing · 15/10/2019 22:34

Banging the babies head of a door is not clumsiness it is down right careless and dangerous.

I can remember telling very caring but heavy handed dh he was making me feel I had to protect my newborn baby from him and that's not right. Thankfully it struck a chord and he was gentle going forward. God knows what I would have done to him if he'd whacked the babies head off a door!!!!!

elizabethdraper · 15/10/2019 22:34

Meh, I have don e the same. Accidents happen.

Halo1234 · 15/10/2019 22:36

That would scare me tbh. If it was a one off accident I would need to get over it but if it was happening repeatedly I would need to step in. Maybe a dont walk from room to room holding the baby. Carry him in a car seat or similar or something. I couldn't ignore that if it was more than a once off at 7 week. Having said that accidents do happen but if it's a regular thing then need to try harder to avoid them imo.

SprinkleDash · 15/10/2019 23:05

No wonder men are reluctant to parent their own children these days! Hmm

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2019 23:20

Are they? My husband parents our daughter and his older children with care, kindness and thought for their safety perfectly capably.

Accidents happen to everyone, bashing the baby’s head and not even noticing is bloody stupid and dangerous. This isn’t a gendered issue. It’s a don’t hurt the baby by being stupid issue.

GloGirl · 15/10/2019 23:21

Accidents happen.

Is your partner ok? Exhausted? Unwell? Unusually clumsy, more so than before the baby? On drugs?

SarahAndQuack · 16/10/2019 00:25

I also want to know if the baby cried. If he did this hard enough to make the baby cry, and still didn't notice, then I would be very worried, yes.

If he did it and the baby didn't cry, yes, I sympathise with you and I'd also have had that horrible 'heart in mouth' moment where you can't believe someone would do that. But I would say it's partly an instinctive overreaction rather than a reasonable one, if they baby did not notice.

FWIW I'm the non-birth mother and when my DD was very tiny, my DP was very concerned about how I was around her. I remember DP being horrified that I carried DD in my arms to the corner shop, rather than in her pram, and also when I made up bottles while holding her. I figured that I needed to change my behaviour as much as possible so DP wouldn't worry, and I did, but we still had issues where I realised DP was concerned about something I had not seen as potentially dangerous or worrying.

I still have no idea who's right and who's wrong. DP and I have discussed it and, now we're out of the early babyhood stage, neither of us is very sure what was going on! DP had PND and was really anxious; it's perfectly possible I was too blase.

The crucial thing is to talk about it.

raspberryk · 16/10/2019 00:36

Just wait til you accidentally bang the baby's head putting them in the car seat, or trap their fingers in something.
Stuff happens and you sound like you need to chill a little.

Ozgirl75 · 16/10/2019 02:34

I consider myself a very careful parent but I have also bumped my child on the door frame, he rolled off the change table (luckily into an open drawer), crawled for the very first time off a bed, my other child slipped out of my hands in the bath.

Christ! Writing it all down I sound terrible but it’s a lot to get used to when you’ve never looked after a baby before.

I did always care though and wouldn’t have just shrugged it off I suppose.

1forAll74 · 16/10/2019 03:25

Just a few little instructions about baby care are what is needed here, no need to get uptight about things..Babies are tough little souls.

I had a friend years ago,she had a baby girl one week before I had my son, and she would never let anyone pick up,or hold her baby,not even her husband. She said that nobody knew how to hold her baby, and that people would drop her child on the floor.

Aunaturalmama · 16/10/2019 04:46

If baby didn’t cry no worries they didn’t notice either. I was totally an over cautious ftm as well though! I regretfully didn’t let him hold baby with our first and boy did that bite my butt. Totally mamas boy. My second I let dad do his thing and oh man daddy’s boy all the way which is amaaaaazimg for me. I got no breaks with my first since he was use to me only. My hubby was able to put our second to sleep no worries and they are the best of buds!

HoppingPavlova · 16/10/2019 06:30

I don’t think bashing a newborn’s head into a door because you’re being careless is at all alright or comes under “fathering”.

Nobody bashed the baby’s head into a door. As per OP he banged the head into a door. What does that mean? I have treated people who have parts of them bashed into things and just bashed in general and you can tell the difference between that and a bit of a bang and a bump that humans are pretty much built to withstand. Yeah, there may be a bit of an ouch factor but that’s where it generally ends, no need to run screaming to an MRI machine.

I’ve also seen lots of perfectly healthy child with no injury happily racing around the place while their parents play the yelling blame game about who was at fault with the (non-existent) injury. In regards to harm this is worse for the child than the lack of injury or bit of a startle and 5 minute cry from an unexpected occurrence with or without an ouch factor.

Unfortunately lots of babies and kids are intentionally injured and injured in serious incidents, but a bump into a door, meh.

Original poster
EmeraldIsle81 · 16/10/2019 16:54

Thanks very much for all responses.
No the baby is not hurt, he did not cry.
I will take ur advice and just have a gentle conversation about looking after our growing baby.
Xx

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 16/10/2019 17:04

I'm glad your going to talk to him. I think this is very concerning behaviour.

My husband also parents our DC with care, kindness and thought for their safety perfectly capably.

Accidents happen to everyone, but knocking the baby’s head and not even noticing is bloody stupid and dangerous. This isn’t a gender issue & men are not stupid.

It’s a man who isn't bonded and engaged with his baby issue.

DonPablo · 16/10/2019 17:11

As a one off, meh. If its repeated and sustained, he needs to realise and take more care. Are you sure its not a ploy to get him out of fathering? So many men on here seem so inept at parenting. Is he turning out to be one of them?

Crinkle77 · 16/10/2019 17:21

Just limit the time he holds him e.t.c for the next few weeks.

Limit him to holding his own child? Really??? He needs to learn to be a bit more careful yes but limiting him will only serve dent his confidence then you'll be in the position of him not wanting to touch his own baby and you'll end up doing everything.

Frlrlrubert · 16/10/2019 17:23

I bumped DD's head on the banister when she was a baby, my peripheral vision is terrible in my glasses.

As a one off I wouldn't worry too much, these things happen.

DD also crawled off the bed as soon as she could, but nothing compares to the time she fell down a full flight of stairs at 18 months (she was fine, I nearly had a heart attack) end over end.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2019 18:17

So if she didnt cry it wasnt that hard

Everybody does it at some point, has that horrible parenting moment

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