To want DH to come home

[HermioneSnape42]

DH working away for the very first time in 27 years of us being together. I was totally against it from the start but as he’s self employed he basically said I need to go where the work is. He hasn’t had to up to now but I admit things are slow at the moment.
But typically after taking on this job he was inundated again. The usual thing with being self employed.

I have got progressively more annoyed as the date became closer. And he left Sunday night.

I want him to come home. I have anxiety and I’m Not coping tbh.

I’m up at 5am and not going to bed until after 11pm. I have insomnia so don’t sleep well generally but obviously it’s worse now I got 2 hours last night of broken sleep.

We have 4DC. 2 puppies. I’m at college and I have school runs, house work, dinners homework for the children and myself. It’s just too much. I can’t do it.

I’ve texted DH numerous times but he’s refusing and saying he’s committed and can’t come home.

I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering keeping the kids off school and college. Between them I’m travelling 3 hours a day to take and collect them.

Making it worse is DH is working in a pub in a secondary role. So is getting 3 meals a day cooked for him and is sitting having a drink with the other work men after 6pm when he’s finished for the day. Whilst I’m still doing housework or dinner or washing up or ironing uniforms. I feel he’s taking the piss tbh.

[maddiemookins16mum]

When do the kids go on half term Op? That may help with the running around.

[Mydogmylife]

YABU-Its 2 weeks, he's working not on a jolly. One of your DC IS 17, surely he can pretty much sort himself out, and help you.

Sorry, I'm I'm the suck it up buttercup camp

[Chloemol]

I appreciate this is the first time he has been away in 27 years but you need to get done perspective. He committed to do this and as he is self employed he must have needed to do this, if he had backed out because you say he’s getting more work again, then his reputation maybe damaged and that would impact on the future.

It’s for two weeks, not months. How old are your children, cant they do the washing up, if they are teens they can iron.

You need to get a grip and get on with it

[Kaykay06]

You need to breathe, stop thinking of it as 2 weeks. Break it down, get through getting them to school. Then take each hour at a time be organised and take time for yourself even if that’s ten mins in the loo reading or having a bath after the kids are in bed. Delegate and ask 17 year old to step up.

I get that it’s hard and daunting and if you suffer with anxiety you’ll have worked yourself up into a tizzy you need to unwind. Go to the gp. meantime try relaxation and meditation or anything that helps you unwind.
Also a mum of 4 eldest is 18 he does a lot for me, he’s great with his brothers and works all day. I work as a nurse and we have a dog - also suffer with anxiety but kids go to school (can be a struggle some days) I have no husband to text for support or to come home in 2 weeks. If I can do it so can you, it’s not fair to make your husband feel shit about working.

You need to step up, be that via your gp for support with your anxiety or just managing your family and taking time to cope and deal with your load ( which sounds huge) but I’m sure you’re a wonderful mum you just need to remember that and realise you’re not alone. for you and i hope things improve for you.

[impossible]

He is self employed and has taken on a job he's now committed to so putting pressure on him will just stress him out. As he hasn't done it before I imagine it's stressful for you but you can get through two weeks. And hopefully he will manage on local work in future.

It sounds as though you have a full house so needn't worry about being alone. Perhaps its even an opportunity to do things differently with your dcs (have a film night/baking night perhaps..).

Don't begrudge him eating well. Working away from home is seldom fun so if he is enjoying anything of it be glad for him.

[Abracad]

2 weeks? Woman up.

[MrsJBaptiste]

Please stop texting him asking him to come home, that really is ridiculous and makes you sound quite pathetic.

[RubbingHimSourly]

You've listed all the things you do but not one of them included making money to run a house and pay for the four DC....... unfortunately this takes priority. You also sound a bit jealous and maybe feel like he's on some jolly having two weeks away ??

In all honesty you need to woman up, ask him.for.advice on how to cut back on travel and work with your DC to make it happen but FFS, don't nag him to come home when he's probably already stressed with making enough money to keep your house ticking over.

[897654321abcvrufhfgg]

Sounds like my life every week plus hubbie goes away to USA, Japan , India etc so away with work and far away. Seriously it’s not abig deal, he is working, you are getting on with the jobs that I assume always need doing anyway. Am honestly confused about where the great stress and anxiety comes from unless there is something g you are not mentioning

[TatianaLarina]

You must stop hassling him to come home OP. You can do it.

Does it matter if you’re off college for a bit?

Just tell the kids it’s get your own suppers of beans/scrambled egg on toast for the next couple of weeks.

[TatianaLarina]

I have anxiety and this would be too much for me. I don't like being away from him. It's nothing to do with not coping or being in the house alone.

It’s everything to do with not coping in your case - you can’t cope with being away from your DH.

You’re using him to control your anxiety rather than dealing with it yourself.

[Pinkyyy]

What's making you so anxious? And surely he can get the 3 busses home from college, even if you drop him off in the morning. It's only for a couple of weeks.

[justasking111]

Imagine he was hospitalised for two weeks you would have to manage then as well as visiting him. You could get something to help you sleep. Night nurse is good I am told.

[separatebeds]

You need to man up and get a grip of yourself. He is thinking of the family. You are thinking of yourself.

What on earth are you doing with 2 puppies as well??!!

[WhiskeyLullaby]

You need to accept that he can't just say fuck it and come home. The job needs finishing.

You say you work, would you leave at the end of the day and simply say sorry I'm not coming back? No,because that's not how it works.


Who is the main earner? What exactly is a comfortable lifestyle and do you have a decent buffer if he's fully out of work?

You dismiss him as a "money worrier" but it's unclear if he actually has something to worry about,especially if he's the main earner.


In the meantime fuck the housework, tell the 17 yo to pull his weight and do easy/quick meals for the next two weeks. Do on line foodshopping and only do tasks that are necessary.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Rubbing OP did say she works too

[Pharlapwasthebest]

People need to remember that everyone is different, and deal with things in different ways. Making nasty remarks like woman up will not help the op in any way, it’s totally not constructive.
Op. Have you considered counselling or something like cbt?
Sounds like your anxiety is out of control. Other posters have had some good suggestions I.e. easy meals, can you get someone to walk the puppies.
Fuck the ironing, life is too short, and get the kids to wash up, help around the house, they are plenty old enough.
Be kind to yourself though, don’t beat yourself up for struggling.

[Pharlapwasthebest]

And have you tried magnesium to help you sleep, and listening to meditations when you go to sleep?

[TheFairyCaravan]

Some replies on here are really harsh.

So what that it's only 2 weeks and forces wives, of which I'm one, and single parents have it worse? It's not bloody top trumps, you know. People who don't have to do everything on their own, and are used to the help of someone else, do find it difficult when they are left on their own. I hated it at first, now I couldn't give a shit but that doesn't make the OP's anxiety and difficulties any less.

OP you will get through this. Reduce your standards for the next two weeks. The kids can help cook and clean, they can have pizza in front of the tele and stay in their pyjamas all weekend if it helps you.

I always find that it's difficult to sleep the first couple of nights so I listen to a meditation app. Could you do that? Maybe have a bath, a warm drink and some lavender might help too.

You're doing well. Keep telling yourself that. 💐

[MrsAmaretto]

Have you contacted your mental health professional if your anxiety is getting worse?

It’s really a short period to be apart from your partner and he is doing it for work. You will need to come up with coping strategies for the next few days and your 17year old should be part of the solution.

[Bluerussian]

I do feel sorry for you Hermione and I know you cannot help how you feel but, honestly, if it is only for two weeks you can bear it. Your husband is right in saying he needs to go where the work is. The two weeks will fly past, trust me, it will. Try to do something different with your children, like camping downstairs rather than going up to bed; they might find that fun and it would take your mind off your husband.

Lots of people have a spouse who works away, mine did; it didn't bother me at all but we are all different. You are fretting which I know you can't help but it does put more pressure on your husband. I don't see how he is taking the piss, he's working!

If you think it would help you to keep the children at home rather than going to school, you can do that even though it would be frowned on by the school if they knew the reason - but your children may not want to stay at home.

Please stop texting your husband, he's committed to a job and the last thing he needs is you bleating to him. I expect he would rather be at home but that isn't possible right now.

Why do you not work?

If you have friends nearby you could invite them round or meet up with them for coffee or a meal.

Chin up, it will soon be over.

[TatianaLarina]

I don’t think it’s acceptable to make her kids miss school to control her anxiety. She can miss her college that’s fine, but she shouldn’t let her children get behind with their work, it’s not fair.

[Butterfly84]

OP, I get that it's very difficult being on your own with the children, dogs etc. But your DH is working. If he just comes home, surely he's lost that contract and money? 2 weeks isn't such a massive amount of time. I would personally just concentrate on what you've got to do and get your head down and do it.

At the weekends, is there someone you could see, like family or a friend? Just so you're not on your own with the children all the time.

[LocalHobo]

I get that you are anxious and I disagree with the statement
FGS 17yo doesn't even need parenting. but you do need to cope with the next few days.
Use the time to work on your resilience and help the DC to see this in action. Take medication/seek support if necessary.
I sort of resented some of my DH’s more cushy business trips.I have a close friend who struggled with her DH having to occasionally take a night away for work. My friend suffered with anxiety and had been with her DH since she was 18. Her DH was diagnosed with MND, my friend nurtured him for almost 4 years. She is now alone every night. My friend is one of the strongest people I know and she raises an eyebrow at how she used to be. Her experience has made me re-assess my priorities.

[Notonthestairs]

My tips are:-
Lower your standards everywhere - honestly nobody cares (apart from school attendance- that's a must); Easy food - chips and fishfingers etc easier the better, raid your freezer; get the kids to help; nice little treat per day - a film you fancy, chocolate bar.
Plans for the weekend are very important - bowling/cinema/walk/pizza out. Invite friends over. Get a babysitter or pay your 17 year old to look after their siblings and have a night out with a friend.
Break it all down in to manageable chunks and just focus on getting it done.
And then plan something really fun for when he gets back.

DH has worked away for a long time (he's just phoned from his swanky hotel). It doesn't mean I miss him any less. But I just keep peddling.