I am turning 35 tomorrow and feel miserable. Please remind me of the good things.

[SarahAndQuack]

I have never been sad to get older before. I absolutely loved every milestone birthday. I positively adored getting into my 30s.

But, having spent the past ten years, on and off, trying for a baby, I can't talk myself out of feeling down about 35. I am officially too old to donate my eggs (and therefore too old to offset costs of further fertility treatment). I'm into the age bracket with the higher risks for miscarriage/not conceiving. Etc. etc.

I know they're all just numbers, and I know that plenty of people conceive after 35. I have a non-biological daughter whom I love and couldn't love more. But still, I feel miserable and can't quite stave off the panic that this may be it, and I may very well never carry a pregnancy to term. Objectively it doesn't matter, and I am very lucky already, but ... please tell me if you have wise and insightful ways I might persuade myself to stop feeling so down!

Why do we always want what we can't have? I'm not saying you can't have a baby (I'm sure you can), just that people are never satisfied. I don't mean to sound harsh, but just look on MN and see the number of women with PND, who can't cope with the sleeplessness, the crying baby, the worry. Sometimes they just want to have their old pre-baby life back. As the child gets older they worry about its health, it's MH, it's school, is it being bullied? Etc. Honestly, it's not the end of the world to be child free. Just relax, enjoy your life. If it happens, it happens. If not, then there are lots of compensations.

Apparently the stuff about fertility dropping off a cliff at 35 is nonsense, and based on 18th century French peasants.

I'm going through something similar and I know that there's really nothing to say, but I am sincerely hoping things turn a corner for you soon.

I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday after all

And singlenotsingle wins the prize for arsey comment of the month- ignore her.

I'm not child free?

I mentioned my daughter in my post.

I get what you are saying, but I am not naively sighing after the idea of a baby with no clue as to the realities.

Bloody hell, single, are you for real?

Being alive?

Cross post.

Thanks @AliciaMayEmorysOutfit. I had heard that science around 35 years as a cut off was a bit dodgy, but somehow it keeps nagging at me. Good to know it really is wrong! Hope things take an up turn for you soon.

Yeah, I felt like this at 30, by forty I had two babies, and own home. not so much of a relationship though. Things do change.. you never know what is round the corner.

Try to enjoy what you have now, it may not be what you want it to be, but by comparison to later it could be really good. Make the most of things you can do.

and I do hope you get pregnant. good luck.

Thanks @blackeyed. And you're right, I don't know what could happen and do have a lot to be glad about.

Does anyone have more advice? I could really do with a handhold TBH.

Have you already tried IVF then?

Not yet - two rounds of IUI, but I think IVF is the next sensible option. Do you have thoughts on it? Always glad to hear!

I’m a similar age to you and most of my friends and I seem to be going through a “mini-mid-life crisis”. Suddenly questioning if we’re where we should be/wanted to be and then getting really depressed about the fact that we haven’t got certain things.
Treat yourself to a massage tomorrow and have some chill time. We are we are in our lives and things could change at any time. I read somewhere that 80% of miscarriages happen to women under 35 so there’s one less thing to stress about.
Hope you enjoy your day tomorrow OP.

IVF worked for me. I found it easier than trying each month naturally and then nothing. Appreciate it isn’t that easy for everyone, and my experience of it has been influenced by the subsequent success. But I guess, want I want to say is it may not be as daunting as you may fear.

When I turned 35 I had the same feeling of panic as you. As PP said, I was told by multiple doctors that the idea of fertility suddenly dropping off a cliff at 35 just isn't true.

Don't give up hope just yet. It can still happen for you.

Also, happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope you're able to enjoy your day.

Thanks mumofboth and calmingvibrations. And thanks mango. Here's hoping!

A lot of women nowadays tend to have children when they are in their 30's (myself included). You are still young and as long as you look after your health there is hope for you to have a biological child. I wish you all the very best and hope you get what you want in life. Happy birthday for tomorrow. Enjoy. You are very lucky in the grand scheme of things

@singlenotsingle I hope you're a troll because it's hard to imagine someone being genuinely that unempathic. Your post is like a 101 of things not to say to someone struggling with infertility.

Have you had much testing done around your fertility to find out if you can what the issues are/why the IUI hasn't worked? Can you afford ivf? You still have a lot of options to try so don't give up hope yet. Personally I wouldn't either about with another IUI or trying to conceive naturally. If you can afford it I'd start researching ivf clinics etc. The fertility boards here will prob be a lot more informative with heaps of people who have been through it.
I don't know if this helps or not but We went through lots of years trying, unexplained fertility from all the tests and then a couple of rounds of ivf with a full in drug protocol. our baby is currently sound asleep in the cot next to me. Good luck with it!

Thanks autumn.

@AllGoneABitPeteTong - that's lovely about your baby! Yes, we had some tests and we know I've got a clotting disorder, PCOS and a bit of a dodgy ovary (I had a cyst removed and they weren't sure for ages if it was actually still functional or not). But we're also both women so it'd be the clinic anyway - it's just that we know there are some extra hurdles. I've been on the fertility boards here, on and off, for a while. It's just somehow hitting me that '35' feels like a cut off. I know it isn't, but it feels like it.

I don’t know how to say this politely do excuse my just blurting it out! So have you been using a turkey baster up till now? Or just the two rounds of IUI?

Does “two rounds” of IUI mean you’ve only had it done twice?

I think what I was trying to say was, you could easily be FINE if you keep trying. The 35 y/o thing is a smokescreen. I can see why this birthday would trigger your deepest fears and I’m giving you the BIGGEST hug for that. But if you’ve only had 2 goes, it sounds early to give up hope.

Could you do IVF where it’s your egg but implanted into your partner? Or does that carry all kinds of risk? Only it can be easier for a woman who’s already had kids to get pregnant a second time, than for a newbie to have their first. I think. That’s what I read when I wanted a baby after 35 anyway.

I feel I’m saying everything wrong. Have a huge hug and good luck!

And happy birthday 🎂 🎁 🥂

Hi
If it helps at all, I had zero success with IVF in my early thirties and got pregnant with twins at 39. You still have plenty of time. Take a look at the rates of success at the clinic where you get treatment for your particular fertility issue. Are the success rates for that specific issue better elsewhere? If they are, transfer.

Meanwhile, sit down wiht laptop or notebook and make a list of everything else you;d also love to do, see, experience or ahcive in your life and get active about some of these. Do some of the easy ones today and this week. (Trying new recipes, exploring a place in your neighbourhood you;ve always been curious about etc) and start planning this month for some of your more ambitious dreams. (Travel, training etc.) Allow yourself to have a full life, regardless of the outcome of IVF (and I say this fully appreciating that it is central to your happiness if you long to be a mother. It was central to mine too. All I'm saying is, don't neglect and reject the other pleasurable aspects of life while this one is being tricky. Give them lots of focus.)

Ok, that made me laugh and cheered me up (because there's no polite way to ask that and it's fine!). No, we've just done two rounds of IUI as the advice, basically, was that given my history there's not much point doing non-medicated cycles of anything, and because I've had miscarriages in the past (with a male partner), I really wanted to get all the scans and screening you get with that, rather than flying blind.

DP wouldn't do another pregnancy (she's DD's bio mum), and TBH I don't think what I'm yearning after is a biological child, so much as carrying the pregnancy (if that makes sense?). I know that is bonkers in that pregnancy is not that delightful, but I feel that way.

Thanks so much for your lovely posts. It's really helped.

@milliefiori, thanks, that's a really good point about looking at successes for the specific issues. I know the clinic has really good overall rates, but I suppose the breakdown might tell me something.

I like your advice about the notebook, too, thank you. I'm so glad you had your twins in the end.