I am turning 35 tomorrow and feel miserable. Please remind me of the good things.

[SarahAndQuack]

I have never been sad to get older before. I absolutely loved every milestone birthday. I positively adored getting into my 30s.

But, having spent the past ten years, on and off, trying for a baby, I can't talk myself out of feeling down about 35. I am officially too old to donate my eggs (and therefore too old to offset costs of further fertility treatment). I'm into the age bracket with the higher risks for miscarriage/not conceiving. Etc. etc.

I know they're all just numbers, and I know that plenty of people conceive after 35. I have a non-biological daughter whom I love and couldn't love more. But still, I feel miserable and can't quite stave off the panic that this may be it, and I may very well never carry a pregnancy to term. Objectively it doesn't matter, and I am very lucky already, but ... please tell me if you have wise and insightful ways I might persuade myself to stop feeling so down!

I was just about to start IVF at 37 then got pregnant and had second child at 38. It was an easier pregnancy than the one I had at 33. Book a weekend away just the two of you.

I really don't think a weekend away is going to do it!

But interesting to know you had an easier pregnancy later on.

I’m so glad and relieved that I helped!

Again — it’s so understandable that this particular birthday would have triggered these particular fears and worries. Even though the 35 number is bullshit it has been inextricably linked with fertility all the time we’ve been alive. Didn’t Charlotte have a stress about this in Sex and the City?

I think I’d have some fizzy wine and throw my arms up in the air with a loud “Fuck it!”

And then tonight, drunk, I’d do random shite like ask all my dead relatives to help me get pregnant, and pray to my angels, and ask the Universe for a baby. 😆

Then tomorrow I’d wake up with a hangover and book my next fertility session at the clinic. Something practical. Practical steps soothe the nerves. Xxx

That sounds like an excellent plan!

And yes, it really did help - just having someone say they get it and it's not ridiculous to worry makes me feel much better and more focussed on doing something about it.

Oh I’m so glad! High-five! When you get pregnant I’m soooooo taking on the position of Honorary Godmother.

Duh. I didn't read the full thread. I understand wanting tobe pregnant but having your own biological child is also a massive draw in motherhood. If you truly don;t seem able to carry a child, I would consider your egg carried by your partner. A relative of mine has a son by that method and he really is both their child. It's lovely.

You're fine! It's a complicated story to take in anyway.

DP wouldn't do another pregnancy, I don't think, and I wouldn't want her to really. It's not at all that I don't feel DD is my child; I do. I just would like to manage a pregnancy.

I’ve just turned 60. 35 is much better 😀
Happy Birthday

Every day you wake up is a good day.

and to you, @treesurgery. And I hope 60 has its perks too!

@roly - is that meant to be as passive aggressive as it feels? What a weird thing to say.

Big hug x there's still time! I tried for 7 years and conceived at 39. Everyone is different of course but hopefully will happen. Wish you lots of luck.

Enjoy your birthday! I'm ten years older. Wish I was 35 again! 😫😁😁😁

I don't think Roly's comment was PA? They're right, every day you wake up IS a good day!

is that meant to be as passive aggressive as it feels? What a weird thing to say

Nope, it's based on a quote and a song lyric from Pitbull, actually. They both read slightly differently. Pitbull's was 'Every day above ground is a great day, remember that'.

The other is credited to Eve Ensler and reads, 'I wake up every day and think, "I'm breathing! It's a good day."'

In an IUI procedure, do they just (essentially) squirt sperm right up against your cervix? I know it's not as invasive as IVF. In IVF they mix the egg and spermicide together first, don't they? Then implant the embryos..? What do they do in iui? I used to know as my friend had it (successfully) but I've forgotten.

Could you have a bash with a turkey baster as well? Or are you scared of more miscarriages?

Not spermicide, obviously! That wouldn't be successful. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Was that song from Pitbull taken from the album "Cheer Up, It Might Never Happen"?

It’s a bit off the topic of fertility issues... but..

Yesterday I read PC Harper’s wife’s eulogy to him at his funeral... she said somethings About people not reaching certain milestones, life is to celebrate , every birthday as there’s so many that don’t.
Look up the eulogy and hopefully there’s some thoughts on there will help that low feeling [flowers

Was that song from Pitbull taken from the album "Cheer Up, It Might Never Happen"?

No idea, I don't follow his music. Just heard it on the radio and it stuck with me so I refer to it if I'm ever feeling a bit bleak.

I'm 38 and one of the youngest mums out of all my 6 year old's classmates, so if I'm at the young end of the spectrum then fertility rates after 35 can't be that bad. Don't lose hope, but have a plan, and a plan B, and then you'll feel more in control. Hugs to you.

You can totally still have a kid ❤️❤️ My sister gave birth at 37 to a beautiful healthy boy who is such an angelic nephew

Ah, ok, sorry @RolytheRhino - if you genuinely find it cheering I appreciate the spirit you meant it in! I took it literally and was a bit taken aback.

@thecrown - thanks, yes, I will. Good message.

@hasthis - I think the turkey baster option is probably just too faffy. Plus, it has implications for the legal side. If you DIY, the other partner doesn't automatically have parental rights, whereas if you get treated at a clinic you're both legal parents from the start. The IUI varies - you can do it just mix 'n' squirt, but ours they medicate you to help stimulate your ovaries too, so a bit like a halfway house to IVF. They get good success, something like a 10-20% chance per go.

Thanks everyone for cheering me up. I feel so much better today and it's reminded me how caring MN can be.