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Original poster

Can someone help.non violent abuse

36 replies

Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 12:24

My husband and I were arguing over something and he went off the rails swearing and shouting and then upstairs hes trashing the place, I've got scared and grabbed my car keys and driven myself away.
How can I report what hes done without having him arrested?
This isn't the first time, he hasn't hit me but he has grabbed my jaw, and grabbed my arm in from of our DC and driven erratically during disagreements.
I need it to stop before it escalates
Please someone help me

OP posts:
looondonn · 09/10/2019 12:25

No he needs to be arressested
This is out of order and he is an abuser

How dare he

Can you leave ASAP?

Ring Womans aid they helped me so much

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 12:43

I have left I'm sat in my car on a side street

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 12:44

Are your children in the house with him?

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 12:45

I dont want him arrested, he will be going to work very soon.
I rang him and he says to come home stop being silly and that he walked past the wardrobe and the suitcase fell off it that's what the noise was. Hes lying, I know he was throwing things around in anger.
He says hes clearing it up and he will go to work and for me to go home

OP posts:
beckieperk · 09/10/2019 12:47

Where are the kids?

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 12:47

Children are at school.
One is in counselling already due to sleep problems, if his dad left or was arrested then it would set him back hes very sensitive. This is why I want to report it without him being taken away

OP posts:
Rosielily · 09/10/2019 12:52

This isn't the first time, he hasn't hit me but he has grabbed my jaw, and grabbed my arm in from of our DC and driven erratically

This is physical abuse and illegal. If this is happening in front of your children it could explain their sensitivity as other issues.

BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 12:52

Do you think your son's sleep problems or sensitivity could be due to his dad abusing his mum? I think you need to get away from him or have him arrested- it's an easy step from grabbing your jaw to hitting you.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/10/2019 12:54

He needs to be arrested. That's the only thing that can happen to stop this.

blackcat86 · 09/10/2019 12:54

It's great that you want to report it but ultimately if he's committed a crime he should be arrested. Perhaps called 101 for advise. However, you need to put the safety or yourself and your children first rather than your partners feelings.

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 13:02

I am putting my children first, they dont need this to happen.
The times hes done this are few and far between so its not like its every week.
We dont get along but he wont divorce me or leave and the 1dc love him so much that it would devastate them if I kicked him out, it has to be done by himself. He cant afford his own place right now anyway and neither can I.
Theres no love between us anymore but he wont give up , he keeps trying and buying me things all the time and I tell him not to and dont accept things or he will make a nvie dinner etc..but I dont love him anymore due to the things hes done to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 13:03

Is there no way to report then without arrest? Hes not home now anyway and I will be away from home after 3 until tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 13:03

I sound like such a weak woman but I swear I'm not, I'm trying to do this without it affecting my children

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 09/10/2019 13:07

If you report him to the police they have to act. What do you want them to do if not arrest him?

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 13:13

Just log it. In case it happens again

OP posts:
runoutofnamechanges · 09/10/2019 13:19

OP I hear you that you want to do the best thing for your children but I agree with others that the best thing for them probably would be for him to be arrested. That is not an easy decision to make though. Why don't you ask for this to be moved to relationships where there a plenty of people who have been in a similar position who can help support you?

Here's a link to Women's Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/

They have a 24 hour DV phoneline and it is confidential. They can help you decide what to do next and find local support/advice.

BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 13:26

Just log it. In case it happens again

There is no point in logging it with no consequence. If it happens again what will you do, get them to log it again? How many logs would you need before you decide you want them to take action?

BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 13:27

It already is affecting your children.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2019 13:30

Your children are already effected Im afraid. You are making them live with this and believe their are no consequences

You need to - its escalating and will only get worse

AudacityOfHope · 09/10/2019 13:33

I'm sorry but you're obviously scared and can't make the decisions you need too.

Your children may love him. They're probably also scared of him. They'll know when you're older that you did the right thing to protect them and yourself. It doesn't have to come from him, that's your rationale for not doing anything.

Chin up, and look toward getting him out of your life.

Damntheman · 09/10/2019 13:33

OP I understand where your thoughts are coming from, but the best thing for your children is not growing up thinking this kind of behaviour in a relationship is normal.

If he isn't a danger to them then they can still have a loving relationship with them for as long as they like, but what's best for them is watching their mother model what a good relationship actually is.

You're in danger if he's violent like this. And throwing things around IS violent abuse even if he hasn't directly HIT you yet. What happens when he actually does start hitting you? He's grabbed your face, it's not that big of a step to actually break a rib or give you a shiner. What then? You need to make sure you're somewhere safe, for yourself and for your kids.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds horrendous. Call women's aid and get some educated help.

timeforachange123 · 09/10/2019 13:42

Throwing things around and grabbing your jaw and arm are not 'non violent'. What would you do if a work colleague did exactly the same thing?
When someone smashes something in the home they are showing you it could be you next. It is considered domestic abuse. As for the grabbing, it's only a step away from breaking your jaw or arm and is also domestic abuse.
Despite so much more education and support around I think many people are still very unclear what abuse is. He doesn't need to actually punch you for it to be a crime, despite how he minimises what he's done.
It's not very likely that he'll stop unless you make him stop. If you don't have the confidence to phone the police could you try to contact Womens Aid?

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 13:45

Why report it if you don't want him arrested? What do you want to happen?

Original poster
Purplegorilla · 09/10/2019 13:47

My children are not afraid of him hes never said no to them about anything, they have him wrapped around their finger.
Hed a completely different person to everybody else. No one who knows him would believe that he could do this. I'm the loud one, hes sweet and shy.
I even told my mum once that he flew off the handle and started throwing things around she said I must be exaggerating

OP posts:
Damntheman · 09/10/2019 13:55

You say that OP, but kids pick up on EVERYTHING and if they're young enough to think it's normal that's even more worrying.

I'm really upset for you that your own mother responded that way!