Can violent autistic children grow into non violent adults?

[teatimedreamer]

Ds is 9. He's autistic; highly verbal; highly social; extremely high IQ and no learning needs. His social and emotional development is poor. He's highly anxious too but it manifests as violence,aggression and defiance.

He was excluded from mainstream school and now goes to an autism specialist school which is a wonderful place and they really understand him. But he punched 5 people today, one was straight in the face. All around being unable to cooperate, communicate and understand social issues. He feels shame and embarrassment acutely and violence is often a cover for that too. He's started school refusing as he's hating his own reactions to the other children.

I just watched a crime and punishment documentary and saw some adults who are a danger to society who are kept on open ended sentences and suddenly had a flash into the future that that could be ds. He can present very neurotypically (until he doesn't) and I can see him doing something, being arrested and never seeing him again. It breaks my heart

What does happen to these children when they become adults?

Just to add - not posted in SN boards as you never get any responses!

My child has 'violent and challenging behaviour' due to autism. The future is a very scary prospect. All we can do is hope that things like OTs, SaLTs and so on start to work over time. Puberty may be hard but the parent course i did kept talking about our children being developmentally delayed but they will still develop. They kept saying the brain develops until 25. So i suppose we have a lot of years to help our children with communication issues and get there coping strategies in place.

My DN with PDA, was violent as a child at school but has grown out of it.

@Grasspigeons yes, it is very scary. I'm really hoping that this is lagging development rather than the norm. He has SO much potential but he can't really access any of it. He's desperate for friends but understandably, he doesn't have any.

@Teacakeandalatte thank you, that is really hopeful.

Mine did. He learnt to recognise his triggers before the situation hit critical, he has strategies that work for him that he implements independently. Sometimes that means walking out.
His veneer of normality and social skills is thick, but illness or additional stress can cause cracks.
It took endless patience, direct teaching and lots of breaks and analysis of situations and outcomes. But I thought his future was bleak at 10, and now he has friends and a degree. Don’t despair.

@GrimalkinsCrone thank you. I'm so pleased for such a great outcome for your son. It gives me hope.

Me too

I have two with ASD. One similar to your son (the other wouldn't hurt a fly and just in his own world).

I have had similar fears with eldest. We have made massive progress though, but it's still there, I'm just hoping he counties to make progress. He has ADHD too and having mediation for those symptoms has massively helped him and helped him learn to control his emotions better when not mediated. But it's a slow road. He's not an awesome mainstream school which helps though.

Yes, ds was diagnosed with autism and extreme challenging behaviour. As a family we all have scars, some had chipped bones and others needed stitches. At seven I feared for our future and worried he might kill me one day. Ds is mid twenties now and the calmest, kindest most gentle young man you could ever wish to meet and has no challenging behaviours and hasn't hiurt anyone in many years.

Have you come across the theory that children with HFA function at 2/3 of their chronological age emotionally? Which puts your boy at around 6 and mine around 18/19. It fits mine.

best way to think is that dc with asd (ie teen) are about 5 to 10 years emotionally younger than their age (not all & I am talking those without learning disability & who can communicate) hence teenagers are 10 or less & our dc enter adolescence in their 20's BUT I think - would like to suggest you get him assessed for PDA & mental health issues if you can (& yep I know you shudder at more pushing for further help)

Hired, how did yours handle puberty? Did nothing but good for mine,
it seemed to remove a significant amount of anxiety and the extra height made him feel less trapped apparently!

@GrimalkinsCrone snap! I also heard this from social group dd use to attend in her twenties (teens)

Haven't heard 2/3 thing but it fits DS like a glove (DP too..) is there any more jnfirmation on this?

Thank you too Hiredandsqueak very encouraging to hear about your adult DS.

Don't lose hope OP, people have incredible potential to change, even when they have a lifelong condition like autism.

Every year of his life in school he is meeting new people, they are having to get used to him, and him to them: to understand his communication (not just verbal) the things he likes and dislikes and how to let him be the best he can be.
The violent outbursts are a firm of communication too, something has led to to them.

It might take longer than you expect but he will get there in his own way. Having his condition understood and recognised at a young age will help him as an adult.

You might find that there are some local parents groups (NAS usually have local groups) where you might find face to face support helpful, though there have already been posts here from people who have gone through situations with their children.
Take care x

Yes puberty helped a great deal, he was the perfect teenager tbh certainly easier than my NT son had been. Ds didn't really have useful speech until he was seven so much of the violence and challenging behaviour was as a result of frustration at being unable to communicate. He has "normal" speech now but in reality in formal testing his abilities range from 0.01 centile to average but he has enough to communicate effectively.

I work in a specialist school for children with autism. We tend to get the young people who have struggled at other schools (both mainstream and SEN). Some of our students do grow out of their challenging behaviour or strategies are successful. It all depends on the root of the behaviour and what strategies are used. The fact that you say the school understand your son is really promising!

@Hiredandsqueak thank you for your positive story. I really needed to hear some of these this evening! Was there anything in particular that helped or was it just maturation?

@GrimalkinsCrone I don't have any other children so I've no idea what's normal for a 6yo but I'd definitely say there is some truth in that. He's delayed a lot in this area of development.

Being able to communicate was the key and giving him alternatives to hurting us when he was angry and rewarding him for a positive choice and ignoring the bad seemed to work for us.

@mumwon yes, he's under CAMHS and sees a psychiatrist for medication and input. He diagnosed him with severe anxiety which manifests in challenging behaviour. Meds help a little but doesn't stop the aggression. They don't think he has PDA (I'd agree). He's not demand avoidant as such, if anything he is very compliant. It's mostly interaction with peers that triggers these reactions.

I have seen Positive Behaviour Support help people who have been violent in the past not to be violent in the future. I doubt your ds is choosing to be violent, helping him may involve understanding the function of the the behaviour.

This thread also gives me hope. My son is 7 and has a PDA diagnosis. I definitely find his emotional and resilience skills are functioning around the 3-4 year old range, which is interesting as he was a dream toddler! We've had some success in getting him to write down his frustrations or thoughts, eg today he wrote me a note that said "you are a very stupid horrible idiot". This is an improvement on him screaming it at me as he throws something or kicks me.

My younger sister has ASD and was awful to me as a kid, but she's now the loveliest calmest adult most of the time (although still socially anxious)

@coastergirl yes, the school are great. I think the interactions with peers is worse there because they all have their difficulties and are all equally rigid with one another. But the environment and the autism support is phenomenal. I'm constantly worried that they will say he's too violent (although plenty of other children are too so I think this is irrational) and it's not the right placement for him.